I just watched episode 1 of Axe Men & I feel sick to my stomach right now....I don't want to watch the second episode yet....one is enough. It's about logging & of course, since it's TV they have to glorify the dangers of the job and tell of its dangers & how sometimes you don't always come home. And I look at those guys and why do they get to live and you die. One guy was driving to work bright and early in the dark and he was talking about how you could die on the way to work, at work or on the way home. When he came home at night he commented on making it through the day & home, sweet, home. That should be you, that's all I can think. They get to live and come home to their families and you never made it. I watched those guys working out there and all I could think was that was you for so long. And while I didn't actually know you while you were on the ground - just helicopter logging - I know you & your work ethic. I could picture you out there working your ass off. They were all dressed how you used to dress....I am proud I'm "married" to a logger. You're quite a man Kdub. I don't know hon, it just makes me sick to think you could still be doing that and we could be living happily ever after. It makes me sick to see other ppl doing what you used to do & all I see when I look at them is YOU. All I could think about was you the whole show....now I feel sick and I don't know why but I hate. I think I hate because something so great was taken from me & I hate that. I hate that we were so perfect and now I'm left here all alone & all I ever wanted was you. I hate that it was you that was taken and not someone else. I hate being all alone, knowing that everything I do alone is something that I should have been sharing with you. Everything I do is alone now & I hate so much that I am alone...it would be okay to be alone if I never met you BUT in the back of my head I know you were supposed to be by my side for the rest of my life. I hate that you were taken from me too soon. I don't know hon....it really does fill me with hate for I don't know what, but I get so mad & angry & I really do have a pit in my stomach. I don't really want to watch the second one tonight. I seriously have to digest all of that. The show even takes place in Oregon....I don't know, just the whole thing, it is YOU. It symbolizes you & everything I had & everything I lost. I lost the best thing that has EVER happened to me & now I'm all alone knowing that I can NEVER be with anyone again. It is my reality. And while I wouldn't trade us & what we had for the WORLD, I now have a standard that has been set & I honest to God know that no one will ever be near the man you were/are. It sickens me to think of loving anyone other than you....I simply cannot imagine sharing my life with another man. NO WAY! I couldn't do it...not ever. I love you honey, I love you so much & I would give ANYTHING to have you back on this earth & sharing everything with you. You were my WORLD and I feel like now I'm just doing things that make me happy, but everything in this earth that makes me happy doesn't even come close in comparison with the happiness I felt when I was with you. So me bldg. our house, me coaching basketball - those were all dreams that are coming true and yeah, I'm happy and somewhat proud of myself, but how can I be 100% happy when you aren't here to share it with....even if I never did those things and was just by your side for eternity, that would make me HAPPY. After I met you all I ever wanted from there on out was to be by your side, that to me was the true meaning of happiness, YOU & ME TOGETHER. Me without you, no matter what goal or dream I'm achieving means nothing. I wish you were here honey....I miss you. I really do. A LOT. I really can't wait for the day when we can be together again....I just want you hon. I still wish I could just die....fast fwd this life and just get to the reward!! You & Heaven. I love you hon. So, so much!! Your Babygirl
