Hey hon. :-) Well I don't know why I did this but I went back and read some of the letters I wrote you back in the day. So much pain. So, so, sooo much pain. It's amazing to go back to that time & re-live that pain. That was a terrible time in my life. In fact I was just thinking today as I was running with the same music I've been running to since you died. What can I say, it inspires me. Anyway, I was thinking how mindless my runs used to be. I'd get lost in your music and memories and the pain of losing you & next thing you know I was on mile 6. Running used to be so easy then. Now the music doesn't take me away like it used to. There's no doubt it all makes me think of you during my whole run, but I'm not in some deep aching pain that engulfs me. I've come a long way, no doubt. Don't get me wrong I love you the same, I miss you the same. I have the same wishes of being reunited & giving it all up for you, but the pain just isn't so raw. It's not as painful. I guess what they say is true, as time goes on you just learn better how to cope because man, I would give all this up to just be with you again. I have it all. I am SO blessed, yet it all means nothing without you. I would give anything to just be with you again. I do still miss you a ton & I do love you still more than anything & I do still think we're soulmates & I do still think I will never find another & I do still think about you everyday. It's all the same, just not pain associated with my thoughts any more. Well, sometimes there is. Actually often there still is. I'm not sure I could carry on a conversation about you with someone without getting choked up. It's hard honey. In a way I'm glad it was me who had to suffer through all this pain. I would never wish this on my worst enemy & certainly not on you, the man I love more than anything ever in this world. Now I'm just rambling and I really had no definite words when I decided to write you this Happy Valentines email. Life without you still feels like I have a HUGE void in my life that can never be filled, but I am content in my life. I'm not depressed, I don't have this overwhelming sadness trying to overtake me anymore, I don't have a dark cloud always overhead. I'm just me & this is just my life and I suppose the biggest change is just trying with all my might to be the best Catholic I can be. I went to confession this fall when I was in Phx visiting ---. While I don't think I hit every subject & I still need to go back, in fact it should be something I do regularly, I feel like I have this clean slate which compels me to live a right & just life. I want to be as God-like as I can. I want to live my life perfect. It's really something to feel so close to God. I have a long way to go, but I think ... I KNOW this has been what has gotten me through. If it was not for my faith, I don't know where I'd be. But anyway, hon I wanted to wish you a Happy Valentines Day. I wish you were here. I remember that one Valentines Day I was in CDA & I bought you that little book a 1,000 ways I love you. Oh man, I was SO in love with you. Wow, that was great. Or what about when we went snowboarding at S----- that one Valentines weekend. Wow, that was so fun. I still have our rubber duckies and wine cork. That weekend was so great, I never wanted it to end. I knew then all I wanted was to spend every minute with you for the rest of our lives. Oh wow. So yeah, Happy Valentines Day up there. I sure love you & no one will ever take that away. I love you hon!! I love you so, so much! Miss you tons too!! xoxoxoxo Hugs & Kisses. One Love.
