Hard Time

I have such a hard time now acknowledging you.....stupid, i know. I shove you so far back in my mind that you don't exist for me all day, everyday. If I even think of you, I shake my head and tell myself to shut up. It hurts sooooo much, I'm starting to cry now. I hate this. I wish this NEVER would have happened. I hate my life without you now, I absolutely can't stand it. I look at your ak-47 and think how ez it would be to end all this pain and misery. As I've said before i would never do that, but oh how i want to. I would never make it to Heaven if i did that. I can't take that chance. If I think it's bad now, I can only imagine the hell I'd be in if I committed suicide. I just want to be back together so bad. So, so bad. This is killing me honey. Winter is so hard. I keep waiting for your call as it gets dark cuz I know you're done flying. I keep thinking your gone for 2 weeks and I'll get to see you. I keep thinking I'll be driving up to --- to see you soon. I think of you, I think of you, I think of you and you never go away. This brings more memories than the summer and it's not cuz I'm not working and my minds not occupied. It's because this is the main time we spent together, winters is when we made our most memories. This is awful. I hate my life without you. It feels so empty and meaningless. I just wish I could push a fast fwd button and be months, weeks or days away from death. I need you. I read one of your emails the other day and it just killed me. It said "as i sit here with tears in my eyes thinking of you...I would die if you ever left me, I NEEED you in my life" You wrote that to me and look now, I am in that boat. Honey, I NEED you in my life. Going on without you is horrible. I hate it. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad and I'm so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of the excrutiating pit and pain in my gut whenever you come to mind, I'm so tired of crying everytime I think of you or look at your picture. I'm so lonely. Not lonely for anyone or anybody, just you. I am lonely because you have left this huge void in my life. No one can fill it. No one. I get so tired of the pain, that is why i keep shoving you back and back and back. I don't want any more pain. So I'm sorry I haven't emailed you as much or thought about you as much or looked at your picture as much. It's too painful....I just want it all to go away. I want you back in my life so bad. I miss what we had - God, I miss it so much. It's not fair. I hurt.....

bad.

I love you honey, more than anything in this world. I can't stop crying, I need to go. I want you back....please, I'd give anything, even my own life. Luv you forever, xoxoxoxox, your baby girl.

Unbearable

Sometimes I think of your face or that you're gone forever or how much I miss you and I get the most unbearable pit in my stomach. I HAVE to stop thinking about it and think of something else. I feel like I'm going to puke. It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I swear to God it's unbearable...I can't keep thinking about you. I really do have to think of anything else. It's like for a split second I completely comprehend what has really happened and you are gone forever. I can't handle that, I get the pit in my stomach and I think of something else. It's like I really can't face the facts yet. I need to take this in small doses and I must be for the most part cuz usually I can handle this, but like I said, every now and then the whole big picture just hits me and I feel so, so sick. I hate it. Today really is one of those days I can't think about you or us at all. It's sinking in way too real today. You know I'm so tired of this rollercoaster ride I'm on. I'm tired of being able to cope one day and maybe I can even laugh and joke and if just for a minute I can think of something besides you. On the other hand I could feel helpless and so sick to my stomach the very next minute. I could hate life, I could be so, so sad I dont' even want to live. I just want to die and go to Heaven with you. Then the next minute I think, I'm okay, it happened and I am strong and I will be okay. It's so dynamic. I hate this. I hate this range of emotions. So unpredictable all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to help me through this. I hate that I don't have anyone that can make it all go away and make me feel better. I hate that it should be you holding me tight and it should be you that I break down and cry to and it should be you that I confess all my feelings, good and bad. I hate that it was supposed to be you and me for a lifetime and now I feel so absolutely empty. And I hate that I wonder if I'll ever be the same again, if I'll ever be normal again, if I should devote the rest of my life you, if it's okay to fall in love again, if I'm even able to love again. I hate the doubt I have about every aspect of my life now. I hate that it's all been turned upside down and I'm left reeling and spiraling out of control. I'm so upset, I'm so tired. I wish more than anything in the whole wide world that this had never happened. I miss you terribly and I'm having a hard time accepting my fate and coping. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I read, no matter how positive I try to remain. I want to be normal and happy again. I'm so tired of how I feel and what this has done to me. I'm tired of being so strong on the outside and feeling so weak on the inside. I want you -----, I want you back in my life so bad. So, so bad. I love you honey and I miss you so much. Please come save me from this hell. Please honey, don't let me down. I love you forever my K-dub. Love, your baby girl.

Rewind In Time

I read some of the old emails I sent you and they brought a tear to my eye. I loved you so, so, so, so much. My emails to you are exactly how they are now as fas as the love I express. A lot of times they say you idealize how it really was, but there's none of that here. I can read my emails to you and I'm so expressive and loving. I loved you more than the world. It's so hard to read them and realize it's no more. It's really, really sad. I just wanted to say hi and that I love you still more than the world. I want to be with you in Heaven right now so bad. I miss you honey...a lot. Reading those emails puts a pit in my stomach and makes me rewind back in time like you're still here. It really does take me back, just like it was yesterday. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I do know it hurts. It hurts a lot. It really does put an awful pit in my stomach and an emptiness in my heart. I miss you honey. I love you always and forever, your baby girl. xoxoxox

Confused

Confused, probably the best way to describe my emotions right now. You're in Heaven, you see it all. You know what's going on....you know why I'm confused. Please understand my confusion and if I make mistakes. I love you honey, more than life itself. My mind is a mess, I'm so lost without you. I don't know what I want.

I am still in such shock. I can't believe I will never see you again in this lifetime. I will be without you forever. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I would give anything, I mean it, anything, to be with you again. I miss you so terribly. I hate everyday. I really do. I hate getting up everyday, yet I hate going to bed every night. I don't know if it's because I have to get up and face another day or what. But I'm so tired of each and everyday. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. I hate work, I'm tired of everyone I work with and I don't want to see any of their faces again. I wish I was independently wealthy and I could just quit and go do something else. Anything. I'm so lost. I really do hate everyday. We are all so lucky I am a Catholic and I believe I would go to hell if I committed suicide cuz I want to die so I can be with you sooo bad. There is nothing worthwhile for me on this earth. My family, but I'm so depressed even with them in my life. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but all I want is you. I know I would hurt my family so much if something happened to me, so I don't want to die for that reason. Other than that I would have a hard time staying strong and convincing myself to stay alive. Those two reasons, my family and I want to go to Heaven are the only reasons I am still here. I can't put into words how lonely I am without you and how bad it hurts to think of everyday without you. How bad it hurts to think I will never see you on this earth while I live, not tonight, not tomorrow morning, not in 2 weeks, not next month, not next year, not in a few years.....never. I can't believe that. How could this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did God even bring you into my life if he knew he was going to do this? Why has he chosen to be so cruel to me? Why has he brought such pain, anger, confusion, sadness, hurt into my life? I hate this, I don't want this. I don't want this life. I don't care if I'm weak and unable to handle this. I never asked for this. All I wanted was to find someone beautiful like you and live a beautiful life. This doesn't happen to anyone I know. Why me? You have brought such pain into my life. I'm afraid this is never ending. I will never be the same. No one can tell me I will ever find anyone as good as you. I will always compare anyone and everyone to you. That's not fair to anyone, but I can't see how I wouldn't. You were so perfect. That is the honest to God truth. You were perfect. I can barely look at your picture, it hurts me so deep, to the bone. It makes me sick to think of how beautiful our relationship was and how there is nothing now. I have the biggest void in my soul now. I am scarred for life. You have my heart, leaving me with a soul that's damaged forever. I hate that I am so negative, sad and depressed, yet I do everything that "they" say to do. I exercise, I hang around friends, I eat somewhat right, I used to sleep ok, I work, I have hobbies, I get out and about, I'm spiritual. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I do all that shit and I'm still sad as hell. I don't know what else to do. I hate being like this, I absolutely hate it. Why do you think I want to escape all this......cuz it hurts so bad and I want to be with you. I wish I could make this pain stop. I wish I didn't think of you all day. The saddest thing that I hate to admit to, is lately I wish I never met you. If I would've never met you, I would never be going through any of this pain and heartache. I wouldn't have to deal with finding some dumb ass attorney for the property. I wouldn't have to deal with ----, ----- and -----...trying to be someone for them. Feeling guilty cuz I don't call enough or do enough for them.....cuz I can't replace their dad. I wouldn't have known that there is a life out there so amazing compared to what I led before I met you and what I lead now. I wouldn't have to worry about your mom and dad, worry if I call them enough.....calling them anyway and pretending I'm doing ok when really it's the end of the world for me. Calling them and not knowing what to say. I wouldn't have to deal with your car parts and Charger. I wouldn't have a pit in my gut every time someone talked about weddings, funerals, wedding gifts, anniversaries, dating, boyfriends, girlfriends, living together, seeing cars that looked like yours, pickups like the red one you drove, your pilots rig, your moms black one. I wouldn't have a pit in my stomach every time I saw or heard a helicopter, a camper trailer in an RV park, a logger, every time a fire fighter dies, every time a helicopter wrecks, every time a pilot dies, every time I see a St. Bernard, every time I think of your mom, dad, daughters, every time I make the property payment, every time I drive by anywhere we ever went, any property we ever thought of buying, every new house being built, every time I drive somewhere all by myself, every time I drive to -----. I wouldn't have a pit in my stomach every time I wake up, look at your picture, take a shower, see your toothbrush, see you shampoo, see your shaving cream. Every time I check my messages, look at my cell phone, check my email. I could go on and on forever, but you are ALWAYS there, I can't get rid of you and your memories. They don't go away. I dream of you, actually looking for you. I'm always looking for you and I can never find you. I know you're there but I never see or find you and I want to soooo bad. I'm almost frantic looking for you. I just wish I could stop crying and be back to a normal state. I can't handle all I go through sometimes. I just want to lay here and do nothing except watch the time pass. I want it to pass so fast, I want to get to the point to where I never remember you or at least when I do remember you it doesn't hurt. Please tell me someday this will stop hurting. I miss you so much honey. I need you, I really do, my heart is broken as is my spirit. Please let God take me. I need you honey, please help me. I love you forever. xoxoxox your baby girl.

Felt Like Yesterday

Dazed and confused. Up and down....that's my emotions....that's how I feel. I found all the emails that I had written you since last November and all the emails you had written to me. While I read them I smiled and it felt like yesterday, it felt like you were still here and nothing had even happened. I even smiled...I grinned...I laughed...I really did feel good. But now I'm done (I saved them all) and all I can do now is cry and have a pit in my stomach.

I relived all the emails we sent to each other about traveling, all the "look at this on ebay", all the i love you's, all the 'you're beautifuls', all of the 'i miss you's', i can't wait to see you's.........

mostly just the love...how much we loved each other. Many emails back and forth we had tears in our eyes cuz we loved each other so much. It was like I was there again...if only for a second. Honey, I can't stop crying and I wonder if this will ever be ok. I can't get over losing you. All those emails just reminded me of how sweet you were and how special our relationship really was. And we're supposed to get married in 6 days. Remember how we'd talk about getting married and we'd both cry cuz it was gonna be the best day of our lives and so beautiful. Remember how we'd imagine you standing there and me walking down the aisle and we'd cry just thinking about the beauty of it all. Remember how we knew we were both going to be embarrassed cuz we both were gonna cry so much when we saw each other. Ugh, I don't want to think about it.

I just finished watching the Butterfly Effect...it shows in the movie The Butterfly Effect, Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher), when reading from his adolescent journals, is able to essentially "redo" parts of his past. As he continues to do this, he realizes that even though his intentions are good, the actions he takes always have unintended consequences.

I suppose if I could redo parts of the past leading up to you leaving for Oregon it may have unintentionally fucked up other things....well, at least I'll tell myself that, in order to feel somewhat ok about what happened (if that's at all possible).

Well, crap I suppose I better go to bed. It's 230 and I think I'm starting to get into some bad sleep habits. I love you with all my heart forever and ever. xoxoxoxo

Words Of Wisdom

Words Of Wisdom

My dearest honey, angel in heaven, I am reading this and trying so, so hard to apply it to my life. Today is the first day I'm really home with nothing to do. I think I need it. I've been running around so much doing this and that....tying up a lot of loose ends....at least I hope I am. I'm trying really, really hard. Everyday is such a struggle. I can't fully comprehend the full extent of all that has happened. I take it in ever so slowly. Every time I think about what has really happened I go numb and get a pit in my stomach. I feel like I'm going to burst. It does not feel good so I stop thinking about it. I really, really can't believe this. It hurts so, so much. I miss you terribly and can't stand to even think about my future without you. Honey, we had so much going for us. We were going to grow old together. Its so hard to swallow. Well, I can't go on typing, tears are blurring the screen and I can't see to type. Please, please know that I love you tremendously. More than words could ever express. I pray so hard that I will make it to heaven someday and we will be reunited. Also please don't ever leave my side. I need you. I need you so so much....please guide me, help me and be my angel.

Maya Angelou said this:

"I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today,
life
does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas
tree lights."

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll
miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a
life."

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on
both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually
make the right decision."

"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.

People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
what
you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."