I guess it's just another day, another night, another week, another month, another year without you.
It's just after Thanksgiving & I came down to my favorite place to get my mind right ... once again. It seems my life can't get on track when you're not around. I don't know what to do honey. Like the title, Lord, I'm Discouraged, which also is a song by The Hold Steadys. Good song hon. :-)
Hon, I just feel so lost and alone without you. I really wonder what the Lord is putting me through??? It's kind of been a rough month. When you think you find someone you've fallen in love with and instead they deceive you and it's all a big lie & once again I'm hurt. The first time I fall in love after you & it's just a big joke. I hate falling in love. I always get hurt. No one else ever does. I'm tired of pain. Love equals pain, that's about all I've experienced my whole life. I swear I'm not typing this as a poor me, but damn, honey, I just feel like giving up with love. Why did I get excited? Why did I try again? Why? I'm so upset with myself. I know it's never going to work. Really, hon. Who is going to like me. I'm so independent, adventurous, kind of lazy (haha), a workout-aholic, a recluse, a social butterfly, so emotional with love & so loyal and too caring. And I give too much and want too much in return. I'm just asking for someone to be intrigued and then run away, and yes, I attract them ... it happens all the time. What if I go my whole life and never find love again?
Big sigh.
I'm getting sick ... I can feel it. Headache. Swollen glands. It's not lack of sleep. Or alcohol. It's stress. Stress from losing love. Giving my heart to someone & they treat it like crap. So Lord, I'm Discouraged. K---, I'm Discouraged. Why is this my life? Why am I essentially 40 and single? Why did God bring you into my life and then take you away? Why am I always the one being brought into others lives & they all thank me for changing their life & I save marriages & I bring happiness to people & I get people out of binds & I give advice & I'm the one that helps, but I wonder when I get something good??? I guess not to sound ungrateful because I have a wonderful family, friends, a house, a dependable car and some extra money to enjoy some nicer things in life, I have faith, I have God, I have my health. I have a lot. Someday I would like to love someone & have them love me back. I guess I miss that. I see everyone with love and someone special....I have nothing like that. It makes me sad & yes, I am really discouraged right now because I do try hard ... really hard to be the best person I can be. For me, for everyone. I really do & it's just so discouraging because all I want is someone who has a strong faith like myself & someone who doesn't have baggage in their life and strong morals and values. .. and someone who is really nice & caring & loving & giving. And I think that you were the only one left and now you're gone. I miss you honey & really I am so sad right now with everything that just went down & I want so badly to give up but I won't ... never. I will always strive to be the best person I can & I will always hope that someday someone will love me. And I feel like regardless I'm doomed to a lifetime of loss & pain and never having love again. I just really feel that.
Please help me day to day honey. I miss you. Gawsh, I miss you so much! You were SO PERFECT. Why o why? Really? That is my question forever ... why did God bring you into my life if all along he knew he was going to take you.
Well, like I said please don't think this is a poor me because I always (pretty much) wake up to a new day with a great attitude & love for life and God. And I do all I can to be the best I can be to me & everyone around me .. so I will persevere, but really, when will my time come? When will I get to fall in love again & have it be for real & someone who is worthy and not someone who's going to treat me like crap?
Lord, I'm Discouraged.
