Everything I've ever loved .. it's gone. If anyone knew my story ...
yeah. I'm left with nothing, yet I have everything in everyone's eyes.
I miss you so much tonight honey. I'm crying my eyes out & I can't
ever make myself do that, but I am now. The holidays are so hard
without you. It all makes me sad. I look at my life and everything I
lost and it's so sad to me sometimes. I should have basketball, but
then losing that made it ok when I found you, but then I lost you &
then I had nothing. I lost everything. Basketball, it's what brought
me respect and admiration and self worth ... and then it was gone. Then
your love made nothing else matter & then that was gone. Now I'm
leaving fire essentially for a fuels job and what is that? I have
nothing. What has my life come down to? Really, what do I have? A
lame job like every body else .. I am no different than the average Joe
now. Everything I've ever done or had just seems so far away & I
feel like nothing now. Like I feel like I'm going through a serious mid
life crisis now .. what is going on!!?? I never feel sorry for myself,
but now I feel so insecure & everything I've ever gained in life
I've lost and I have nothing to show for myself. I have nothing to show
for my self-worth. It's ALL gone! Basketball is gone, you are gone,
fire is gone. I have nothing. I have a house, car & money to pay
my bills. And all I want is you. Gawd, I feel so empty right now. I
lost T*** too .. he was a good friend who went through A LOT with me.
He went through probably the hardest time in my life & now he's gone
& I never got to tell him how much he meant to me. Why do I lose
so many people? Uhh, I'm so down and out right now ... serious mid life
crisis, so much going through my head I could never share. My life is
so fucked up right now.
New subject. I got S*** & K*** gift cards for Christmas & so
far no thanks from K*** & the only thing I hear from S*** is a text
that says "gift cards really?" WTF, I know that's not how you raised
her .. well it really hurt my feelings & pissed me off so we'll see
if I'm cooled down by her birthday in Feb. Because right now she is
getting NO gift!
Oh man, I hate my life right now .. I really hate life without you. I
feel like everything would be SO perfect if you were here & none of
this would be happening. All I want is someone to talk to & someone
to cuddle up to when I crawl into bed & someone to love with all my
heart. I'm sorry for venting like this honey, I'm so lonely & all I
want is someone. I feel horrible because I've totally put my faith in
God & felt ok for a long time but I don't know why I feel like Ive
fallen away right now. Like I don't want to go to church or abide by
Catholic teaching anymore... I just want to throw it out the window
& just be adventurous, free & I suppose happy, but I know that's
not how it works. You end up being the opposite .. so maybe that's
what's wrong with me. I don't know, I just know I am in a bad way right
now & I even think I'd be better off just gone .. and done w/ this
life. Really, what do I have to look forward to? I feel like all I
have to look forward to is an awesome road trip to Arizona where the
whole time I'll be worried about being on a time line because I have to
be back to my sucky ass work. And then I have a whole summer of
shit-ass work in a job that is gay as fuck. OMG who cares about fuels
.. really, who gives a fuck. There is no glamor in that job which says a
lot about me & how shallow I am that I need a job that says "she's
cool" ... well, allz I have to say about that is I don't want to be
regular, I want to be someone extraordinary, someone who makes a
difference and does something that makes a difference... I'm sorry, a
fuels job means NOTHING to NOBODY. Omg, I'm about to enter into one of
the gayest jobs ever! Ugh, I wish I could do it all over again... Id be
Border Patrol or FBI or CIA or a cop or something ... but now look at
me I'm too old to do a cool job & I'm stuck in some lame ass piece
of shit job. And while I'm just venting, all I've loved is dead and/or
gone. Kenny, I miss having you here so much. I miss crawling into bed
& cuddling up to someone I love so much. And every night being so
thankful & so happy ... I remember just smiling ALL the time when we
would go to bed & cuddle up against each other. I miss that. And
being able to talk to you about anything and everything and never feel
like I was burdening you with problems .. I just felt like we were
talking and you cared & you made everything ok just by listening or
just by what you said. I just miss that. Now I keep it all in until
episodes like this and I don't know what to do except feel like I want
to explode and just be gone from this earth .. and I feel like I have
nothing. Absolutely nothing! Like EVERYONE around me has someone &
I'm left with nothing & no one. And I wonder why?? .. because I
think I am smart and I think I look okay and I think I'm funny and I
think I'm practical and logical and I think I'm fair and loving and
caring and giving and loyal. And I think I work hard at my job and I
work hard at staying in shape and I work hard at keeping my things nice
& I think I'm a good friend ... I mean I think I have a lot to offer
& I am ALONE. Like alone .. big time. Everyone around me has
someone. What happened to me??? I'm 40 and I feel like I'll NEVER have
anyone. I truly feel like you were my chance & it's all gone and
there it went and now I am forever alone. Why? What did I really do to
deserve this? I mean I really try to have faith in God that if Im
patient he will bring the right person along and I will be okay, but
it's been almost SEVEN years now & I feel like I've been the
absolute best that I could .. until now. Like I feel tired of trying so
hard to be that perfect Catholic and that perfect person ... and I know
I should be that way regardless and not be looking for a "reward" but
I've been SO good and what is it getting me?? I don't know, I guess I'm
wondering when will I be able to fall in love with someone again??
When will I get to be like everyone else in this world that's married
with kids. Why do I have to go through all this? It's been so long now
I feel like I'm being punished. Why would God make me wait SEVEN years
to find love again .. and as far as I can tell it will be awhile .. and
actually probably NEVER before I find love cuz look at my life now ..
where do I go? What do I do? All those things I used to do to meet
people .. like coaching and living in civilization are GONE! I am left
here in the middle of fucking nowhere .. seriously, who's going to find
someone living where I live!! It all feels so hopeless and I feel like
giving up. I feel like I've lost it all & I've tried SO HARD for SO
LONG to be strong & I can't do it anymore. I want to love someone
and I want someone to love me back & I want it to be normal and not
like the usual fucked up situations I get myself into. Why can't I just
have NORMAL love ... why? Isn't that what God is all about is love ...
why doesn't He want us all to have love ... why doesn't he want me to
have love. I try so hard.
I'm tired of writing about this & I guess I'll just go to bed and
regret all of this tomorrow ... yep, for sure I know I will. But oh
well, like I said I've tried SO hard for SO long. I'm at the point I
just want to give up and stop trying ... and just do whatever crap makes
me feel happy. I'm so empty. I'm so lost. I'm so confused. If only
you were here it would all be okay. 6th Avenue Heartache.
