Felt Like Yesterday

Dazed and confused. Up and down....that's my emotions....that's how I feel. I found all the emails that I had written you since last November and all the emails you had written to me. While I read them I smiled and it felt like yesterday, it felt like you were still here and nothing had even happened. I even smiled...I grinned...I laughed...I really did feel good. But now I'm done (I saved them all) and all I can do now is cry and have a pit in my stomach.

I relived all the emails we sent to each other about traveling, all the "look at this on ebay", all the i love you's, all the 'you're beautifuls', all of the 'i miss you's', i can't wait to see you's.........

mostly just the love...how much we loved each other. Many emails back and forth we had tears in our eyes cuz we loved each other so much. It was like I was there again...if only for a second. Honey, I can't stop crying and I wonder if this will ever be ok. I can't get over losing you. All those emails just reminded me of how sweet you were and how special our relationship really was. And we're supposed to get married in 6 days. Remember how we'd talk about getting married and we'd both cry cuz it was gonna be the best day of our lives and so beautiful. Remember how we'd imagine you standing there and me walking down the aisle and we'd cry just thinking about the beauty of it all. Remember how we knew we were both going to be embarrassed cuz we both were gonna cry so much when we saw each other. Ugh, I don't want to think about it.

I just finished watching the Butterfly Effect...it shows in the movie The Butterfly Effect, Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher), when reading from his adolescent journals, is able to essentially "redo" parts of his past. As he continues to do this, he realizes that even though his intentions are good, the actions he takes always have unintended consequences.

I suppose if I could redo parts of the past leading up to you leaving for Oregon it may have unintentionally fucked up other things....well, at least I'll tell myself that, in order to feel somewhat ok about what happened (if that's at all possible).

Well, crap I suppose I better go to bed. It's 230 and I think I'm starting to get into some bad sleep habits. I love you with all my heart forever and ever. xoxoxoxo