Forever Changed

Forever Changed

Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you I participate in family activities. I go to work everyday. I attend family reunions. I visit my neighbors. I help plan outings with friends.

You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone - when it is safe- the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family and friends won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But I am not strong, I feel that I have lost control; and I panic when I think about tomorrow.... next week.... next year. I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I talk to you and smile.

You tell me you are glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over" it. If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same.

At times I think I am beginning to heal , but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.

You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with my family and friends, I seem calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self" But I will never be back to my "old self". Death and grief, have touched my life....

and I am changed forever.