I Want To.....

May 30th and it's almost 11. Now I see now what ---- and your mom were/are going through. They can't sleep. I can't either now. I can, but I don't want to. I just keep doing things that focus around you. I put your things away, I organize them, I write about you, I read poetry about you, I look at pictures of you over and over, I listen to sad music that makes me think of you and miss you, I re-read all the letters I've written you. Basically, everything I do from the moment I get off work is focused on you. So yeah, I'm hella tired, but if I go to bed I'm leaving you and the memories behind. Not to mention it's another day tomorrow. Another day to face. It's gonna be a long week. I don't want to think about what I've got to face for the rest of the week. I don't want to think about grandmas memorial this weekend. I don't want to think about getting my car from Carl. I don't want to think about driving clear down to Klamath Falls. I don't want to think that I need to call ----, ----- and ---- so I can have a place to stay on Sunday night. I only want to think about you and make you the focus of my life. Nothing else really matters. I'm tired of being strong. I just want to lay in bed all day and cry it all away. I want to cry until it's all out of me. I want it to go away. All of it so I can be normal again. So I can have a normal day at work. So I can go to work and not forget about everything everyone tells me. I want to be normal, happy. I don't want to be lost anymore. I want it to be gone. I want to wake up from this nightmare and be back in our dream again. I am so, so, so tired. I know I need to go to bed. I will, but I also want to write to you forever so I can get it out. Just be gone. I want to be gone. I want to be gone from this earth, it's painful and it hurts. It's not fair. I'm tired of trying to be in a good mood at work. I'm tired of being a space case. I'm tired of being sad. I was supposed to be married. I'm supposed to be ------ ------ right now and instead I feel like nothing. I feel empty. I feel loss. I feel like I'm going through the motions of something. I don't even know what. I just want to be alone. I want to run away forever. I want to run and run until I find you. I want to be with you in Heaven. I want to be with you anywhere. Anywhere you are I want to be.