Today i feel like i'm ready to explode, it's like you're right there demanding attention and i keep pushing you back. i don't want to think about you....just don't know what to think. i feel like it can't be real...it's not real, so i don't want to make it real by thinking about what happened, so i'm just pushing it back. it never happened. i feel like if i acknowledge it i will explode. i will burst. for a moment or two today i tried thinking of you, i cried a little, but i felt like if i let go i would explode, i would never stop. thing is i just couldn't let it all go. something was blocking me. as bad as i wanted to just cry, i couldn't do it. go figure. now i feel like i need to but i can't....maybe it's just that it hurts so bad, i don't want to. i don't even want to get too deep about it with you either cuz i feel like i'm on the verge of just breaking down and flipping out. i want to take a baseball bat and smash the hell out of something.......
anything. i want to scream at the top of my lungs....argh. this sucks so bad. we had some meeting at work about all the bad things that have been happening and how to cope. some counselor lady from ---- came down to talk to us. it pretty much sucked, the lady from the employee assistance program was talking about grief and grieving, blah, blah, blah. i pretty much hated it. i felt like everyone was thinking about me or looking at me. i felt like everyone was talking about me behind my back, only thing, i was right there. it was pretty damn uncomfortable. maybe that's why i have this sucky suck feeling right now. i sat down with ---- ---- at lunch. he asked how i was doing. what do you tell people when they ask you that? the truth? well, i pretty much hate life. waking up every morning is a chore. showing up for work is a chore. i'm so sad and hurt i wanna crawl away and die. instead, oh i'm doing ok, i have good days and bad days. it's like a rollercoaster. blah, blah, blah. he said one thing he remembered about you and me is that we seemed so happy. everyone says that. it's terrible cuz it's the truth. we were so happy. we had it all. we were a happy young couple who had everything going for them. now look...a miserable young single me who struggles to keep her head above water. so it all sucks and i have no idea what tomorrow will bring. days like this when i feel like i'm gonna explode, yet i can't explain the root of it or why i feel like i wanna explode either lead to a huge breakdown or i just go to bed and it's over. tomorrow starts over and i just feel whatever...it's like the lottery, who knows what it will be. except it's never a prize or anything that makes me happy. it's like the crap lottery. i'm a winner everyday, but i win being sad, i win feeling like a piece of crap, i win being miserable, i win being depressed, i win being tired, i win being numb, i win hating life...on and on, the choices are endless and every single one of them suck! so peace out, i'm outta here. you are the best thing that ever happened to me....please don't ever think differently no matter how i feel or what i say. you were my life. i love you forever. xoxoxo your baby girl
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