Hate

I hate this life. I hate today. I hate, I hate, I hate. I hate what's been done. I hate that I am alone. I hate that I am without you. I hate that I'm left here. I hate that other people have relationships and we don't. I hate that other people have kids and we never had the chance. I hate that other people are happy and I'm miserable. I hate being strong everyday. I hate work. I hate the dumb crap we do at work. I hate getting up every morning. I hate going to bed every night. I hate being awake. I hate talking to people. I hate being nice. I hate smiling. I hate looking at your picture. I hate all of this. I hate life without you. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I want it all to end. I'm tired. I want to run away and never turn around. I hate thinking about you all the time. I hate missing you so much. I hate being sad. I hate being lonely. I hate pretending I'm going to be ok. I want to go to bed and never wake up. I want it all to end. Today sucked, I was sad all day. I dreamed last night I was in Texas, San Antonio. I was by myself walking through what looked like a park. A big park like Central Park. The grass was green, it was sunny, nice. People were having picnics, jogging, walking on trails. Just a busy park. I was on the outskirts of San Antonio walking into it. I could see big bldg's on the horizon, probably about 2 miles away. Suddenly the space shuttle lifted off and everyone in the park stopped to watch it. We were all in awe, it was cool. The shuttle got so far up and it released off the main thing and as soon as the shuttle split away it took a sharp turn down and made a nose dive for the skyskrapers. It crashed into all the skyskrapers and made a huge explosion. Everyone was freaking out and crying. Big chunks of the bldgs and concrete chunks started falling out of the sky towards us. At first they were easy to dodge because they were falling slowly, but soon they were shooting at us really fast. Almost like bullets being shot at us. I had to dive to the ground to miss getting hit. I hid behind a tree but pieces were flying so low they were still almost hitting me so I crawled behind a bush and it was a little better. It really was like a war zone and getting shot at. After I crawled behind the bush I woke up. I'm pretty sure this was something about you. There was a huge crash and from there who knows. I know I keep replaying the crash over and over in my head. Your crash. I can piece together enough from the stories I've heard, the newspapers I've read and your death certificate to pretty much know how it probably happened. It replays over and over in my head. How you must have felt. What you must have seen. What you must have thought. It's like I can be in your shoes. It's scary and I know it must have sucked for you right before it happened and I wish more than anything you never had to experience that. I know it doesn't matter now, but just knowing that you had to go through that just tears me up. It makes me sick to my stomach. I think I dreamt about that crash cuz I keep thinking of your crash. It's also been just over 3 months since you died. I just feel like it's all crashing down on me and I hate every bit of it. On that note I just want to go. I hate it all. But I do love you, so much it hurts tremendously. I miss you so much I want to cry right now. It's a lot of pain and hurt. I wish I felt nothing. I love you eternally. xoxoxoxo your baby girl.