Lonely

I'm so lonely. I miss you so much. I've done better than I ever have at making sure I'm surrounded by people. I visit people, I'm not in seclusion, I hang out with the crew, I visit people, I see my family....the best I've ever been and it makes no difference, I'm so, so lonely for you. I think about you all the time. All I want is just to be with you. One of your hugs would make this all go away. All of this really, really sucks. So bad. It is getting worse and I feel helpless to it all, like it it spiraling out of my control and all I can do is hang on tight. I am on a ride that I am helpless, I have no choice. I can't get off. I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I signed up for. I signed up for everlasting love 'til death do us part. Well, maybe that's not a good way to put it, but I thought we were going to live forever, at least til we were old and we'd share a lifetime of togetherness, love and memories. I don't want this. I don't want this pain. I don't want these feelings. I don't want any of this. I want it all to go away. I want to wake up tomorrow and the pain and lonliness are gone. The memories are gone. It was all a bad dream. Either I forget about you completely or you come back to me. I want all or nothing. This pain is unbearable. I cry all the time now. All day, all the time. I replay the crash over and over in my head. Even though I wasn't there I can piece enough of the pieces together to know how/what happened. I can be in there with you and see what you went through and it makes me cry every time. I wish sooooo bad that I would've been with you. So, so bad. I wish so bad we could've died together. I can't handle this pain anymore. I want to run away for ever and never look back. I don't know where I want to run to but I know I want to run away from you and the memories. This is the worse pain I have ever experienced. I wish I could be gone from this earth, I don't want to go through this. It hurts likes something you could never imagine in your wildest dreams. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I don't even dream about you anymore....the first 2 or 3 weeks I dreamed about you every night. That was better than nothing. Now I don't dream about you at all. Can I at least have that. Just like my love for you, the pain I feel can't be put into words. No one could ever understand what I'm going through. I try so hard to be so strong for everyone at work and I can do it. And I have been doing it. I'll try to keep moving on. I think praying, reading the bible and going to church have helped. I wish I could just read the bible all day and go to church everyday. I don't want this job anymore. I want to hang out with the people but that's it. Really I just want you. I want to run away with you. Now I regret not running away to Reno with you and getting married in private. I wish so bad we could've at least been married. Uggggg, I hate this. I feel like crying right now, I feel like dying right now, I feel like smashing something right now. I want to destroy something. I want to disappear. I want to scream. I want you back in my life dammit. Why did you have to leave so soon? I needed you in my life. I needed you so much. I have never felt that way before. I was happy before I met you and then you came along and made it the most special time in my life. I was so, so happy. Now I can't even go back to being happy. I exist and a hollow one at that. Everything is fake. My fun, my smiles, my laughs. Just me, I feel so fake. Like I have to put up a front to make sure everyone is comfortable around me. If I'm going to have people around me I want to be ok so I don't scare 'em off. It sucks. It really does. With you I could just be me....goofy, funny, loving and I could smother you with my love. I will never be able to do that again. I really do think about just devoting my life to God and becoming a nun. What's the point to living life now, except to live it for God. It's so important to do everything I can to make it to heaven. I need to be with you again. I need to see you again. I don't want to mess it up. I want to make it to you. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you are in heaven. I also pray that if you are in purgatory that God will open up heavens gates for you and let you in. I want you to be in heaven so bad. You deserve it. You were the purest human being I have ever met. I am so serious. I didn't know the 'you' of your past so I can only comment on the years I knew you, but you were the most geniune, caring, compassionate, kind person I ever, ever knew. No one could compare to you. I still can't believe how perfect you were. It's so sad that you did it...you got it all right. Your life was what everyone's should be. Honey, you made it. And right when you did you were gone. You had the job that you always wanted. You peaked, you made it! And as soon as you made it you figured out there's more to life than a job and you knew family was a priority and you made the commitment to be with me and the kids. Even if it meant making less money. You figured it out! You found the Lord. It was all unfolding before you. You knew there was more to life than what you had. You found Jesus. And right when you did, you were taken from us. You talked to everyone....you loved everyone...that's a better way to put it. You were love. You were the definition of love. You gave and gave and gave. You cared more about everyone else than you did yourself. You were perfect. You did it, you figured out life and you didn't even know it. I wanted us to keep going, we were doing it. Our lives. We were figuring it out. The way to do it. What was really important. We had the Lord and each other. We were going to blow the world away. We were going to show everyone this is how you're supposed to love....this is how you're supposed to live. Right when it all fell into place, it was gone. Gone in a blink of an eye. It happened so fast. What happened honey? Where did you go? Where did we go? Where did our life go? Where did our life go? Where did ----'s life go? What happened honey? I still can't comprehend....what happened? What am I going to do now? I really want to quit....if I only had enough money to pay off my school loan & our property, I could just give it all up and go somewhere and do something. I don't know what. I'm so lost. I'm so confused without you. I think I'll ramble on forever if I don't just set this computer down and leave. I need to go...I'm just a mess and I should probably just go to bed. I wish so bad I could dream about you. You have no idea how much this hurts. It's awful. So, so awful. I wish I could just curl up in a ball, sleep and wake up in a few years and it would be erased from my memory. I guess I need to go on and deal with the pain. If you can help me, please do. Please honey, I don't want to hurt anymore. I want you to be here to make it all better. Just make it stop....honey, I love you and if this pain guarantees me eternal life with you and God in heaven than bring it on. Give me more. I will not be broken and that is a guarantee. I love you honey. I love you my K-dub. You are the best. You always were and you always will be. I love and miss everything, absolutely everything, about you. I wish my words could be more expressive or do more justice to how much I love you. Stay with me in spirit and keep loving me, please. I still need you. Love always. Forever, forever, forever. As long as I live and eternally past that. Always, your baby girl.