Runaway

just tired. numb. what happened to my life? what did i do to deserve this?

i don't get breaks from the pain. i don't get breaks from this tragedy. i don't get breaks from the grief. it's with me every moment of the day. there's no escaping. there's no taking a vacation to get away from it all. i suppose that would be drugs, hence the appeal to some. or even alcohol i suppose. at least i'm smart enough to know that's not the answer.

it would be nice to have a moment of silence not interrupted by memories of you. it would be nice to be able to read a book without anything in it reminding me of you. it would be nice to watch a tv show without being reminded of you. it would be nice to hold a conversation without something reminding me of you. it would be nice to listen to music without applying it to you, me or us. it would be nice to be able to be alone without being bombarded with memories.

there's no cure. there's no answer. i am doomed to suffer. this is the life christ has chosen for me. i've either done something to warrant this (god knows what) or i've 'earned' it....whatever that means. they say "when one door closes another door opens" or god never throws anything your way that's too much for you to handle...hah. have those people never been in a situation. tell me what door is gonna open cuz of this? doors open all the time throughout your life. so one may open for me in a month, maybe 6....whenever. point is, it would have opened regardless of this situation. it will/would be coincidental. don't be blaming it on your death. also god never throws anything your way that you can't handle. well, i can't handle this. i try and i'm either slowly sinking or barely keeping my head above water....more than anything i'm drowning and there's no one to help me. more like, i've drowned and i have no clue. i'm way over my head and nobody knows it but me. i just want to stay home and just do nothing all day. i have no incentive to do a damn thing. i don't know how my bills are getting paid. once in a blue moon something snaps and i have it in me to clean my house, but then it's gone and my house is a pit again.

we were meant to be. god knew that. you knew that. i knew that. everyone around us knew that. so what happened? today i'm not angry. i'm tired, i'm numb, i'm hopeless. i don't want this for my life. i really don't. i guess it goes to show we don't get what we want only what's handed to us, so what's the point in trying. it's all for nothing. i don't want to try for anything. if this is how god operates then i'll just float and whatever comes my way, comes my way and i'll always know it's not forever, so don't hope or don't have expectations. it's all pretty crappy knowing there's no control. why get attached to anything again. that way i'll never experience loss again. i had it all. and literally in a blink of an eye, a phone call, i lost it all. "we've lost ----" tell me three words worse than that. tell me three words that will bring you to your knees. tell me three words that will bring you a pain unlike anything you've ever experienced before. tell me three words that will turn your whole world upside down.

i have this relentless feeling to just leave. leave all of this behind. go far, far away and never look back. to get away from this all. i could go far enough away and maybe things someplace new won't remind me of you. i can cut ties with everything and go. as much as i love ---, your mom and dad. i don't want it anymore. the memories are horrible and it hurts to talk to all of them. i'm a bad person i know. acn...i'm a bad person, i know. i tried to begin with, but....

but what? i don't know. it's hard. i don't know if it reminds me too much of you. maybe i just don't have the time. maybe i just don't have the energy. or maybe i just don't have the courage to face something that's a big part of you. i guess i'm a coward.

life ain't always beautiful - gary allan. it's on the radio right now. isn't that the truth. it's country too. you're probably laughing. now a song i've never heard by carrie underwood called 'don't forget to remember me' i don't know why but i worry about that a lot. i think that if you are up there somewhere you might forget me and i'll wait a lifetime to see you only to be disappointed cuz you don't remember me. then i'll really have wasted my life. not that i even care about my life right now and whether i'm wasting it or making the most of it. really what does it matter when we all die in the end. the good part is heaven....isn't this supposedly the "test". well, i effin fail, so take me now.

life is empty and i'm lonely for you. there is a gap in me that is huge. i feel hollow without you. it would be nice if i could fast forward and just get this all over with.

i guess i'll try to go to sleep now....i sure wish i could dream about you....seems impossible now. a rare treat i suppose...another way for god to torture me for whatever i did to deserve this. i will always love you....forever and ever. i miss all of you. xoxoxo