Miss U (Like Usual)

I'm home at 9. I'm finally getting home before 10 or 11. It's been so busy. I hope you know my lack of writing you has nothing to do with me feeling any less love for you. It's just that I'm up at 430/500 and home at 1000/1030. I shower and I'm off to bed. It's been like this for over 2 wks. Well, longer than that, but it's been over 2 wks. since I've had a day off. the worst thing is missing church. I don't like that at all. Well, a lot has happened, I want to write about it all now but I'd probably be on here forever. I'll write ya a good one tomorrow (if I get home early) or the next day. I have a feeling I'll be going back to normal hrs. soon. It's supposed to rain tonight...or I think I'll be getting my days off (Sun/Mon). Either way I will write you a lot soon. Plus it will be 6 months on sunday, so I want to write you your monthly letter. I'm pretty beat up and tired. I have cuts all over, a broken finger and my legs are heavy. I still run 3 or 4 miles every morning that I can come home from fires. Usually about 3 times a week, sometimes even 4 or 5 times. I've had some fires with some good hikes. A mile one way in, a 2.5 one way in, a 5.5 mile one way in. I'm sure there's more. I'll try to tally em all later. Just been going, going, going. It's been good and bad. It's good cuz it kinda keeps my mind occupied and keeps me outta depression from losing you. But it also drains me even more. I already feel emotionally tapped. when I add being tired from no sleep and physically tired, it all compounds and I either feel ready to snap and kick someones ass or I feel on the verge of tears all the time. That's pretty much how I've been feeling the last couple months. so ready to snap. it's taxing. I'm trying my best, it's just hard. Nothing makes losing you easy or better. I want you next to me so much. I think about you constantly. I miss you so much and would give anything to have you waiting for me when I get home. I lay there at night (on my fires) and think how lonely this world is without you and I wonder why it all had to be like this. You know how you wait your whole life for that perfect person.....that was me and I really did. What do you do when you wait your whole life for that person and then they're gone. I don't know about the rest of my life anymore. I'm afraid it will be so empty. I'll put on a happy face and go forward cuz that's the way the ball bounces, but I will never be able to forget. Not ever. You were the best. I miss you, I miss us, I miss our family. I miss it all so much....I seriously would give anything to have it all back. It's sad, but I really am trying. Sometimes it's just so hard and I want to give up. I know you wouldn't want that and I really do think about being happy and cheerful just like you always were. I try to be the next you; the girl version. I'm gonna just chill now, I'll write more later. I do love you so much and you were the best thing ever to happen to my life and I will always be ready to leave here and be with you in Heaven. I love you honey. I always will. xoxoxox your baby girl.