You

It's weird how one thinks after someone dies. Or maybe it's just me. I see people on tv and wonder, 'why's that guy still alive and not you' Why does one person have to die and another gets to stay alive. I see a couple and think how lucky they are that they got to grow old together. Why didn't something freak happen to them? I wonder how many people on this earth have had their one and only that they love die early due to an accident? You know, not counting natural stuff, like old age. Everyone at some point in time loses a loved one due to old age. But how many husbands lose wives early or vice versa. Or how many people that are due to get married lose their fiance? This is something so horrible. I'm trying so hard, but I struggle. I think about you a lot, almost all the time. I'm either focused on something I'm doing for the time being, otherwise I'm constantly thinking all sorts of things about you. About what we were gonna do. About your mom. About ---. About ---. About where you lived. About the time we spent together. About the trips we took. I think about everything. I think about you always when I see any and all helicopters....all pilots. I think about you every time I see a car like yours. Every time I see a charger. Every time I see a pickup that looks like yours. Every time I see or hear about any of that stuff. I think about you anytime and all times that people talk about their spouses, significant others, their relationships, their kids. Every time I see a new house being built. Every time I see a house like the one we were gonna build. I think about you when I'm not doing anything, when I'm not thinking about anything. When I sit alone and it's quiet, I think of you. Even when someone is talking to me and anything they say can make me think of you and for a minute I'm lost and spacing off before I realize I'm not in the here and now. I think of you every time I pick up my cell phone. No joke, every time I pick up my cell phone it's habit to check my messages cuz there was always one from you. I think of you all the time when I listen to music....all songs have lines or complete lyrics that remind me of you. I think of you when I see or hear country music. I think of you most mornings when I get in the shower. I space off and daydream about you. I think of you the very first thing when I wake up....the very first thing. I think of you as the last thing before I go to bed. I think of you as I lay in bed. When I wake up in the middle of the night I always make sure I have my angel teddy bear, ---, in my arms. It is the very first thing I think of when I wake up, 'where's ---' When I find it's in my arms I go right back to sleep. If I've accidentally dropped it (rarely) I reach 'til I find it, then I go back to sleep. I think of you always in church. I pray for you in case you are in purgatory and you haven't made it to heaven yet. I know you have to be there since you are/were such a good person. I only have a doubt just cuz you weren't catholic, so that is why i pray for you to be let through the gates of heaven. i think of you when i'm at moms campground cuz you're supposed to be there with me. mr. cheeks makes me think of you. he liked you and we could've had a kid like mr. cheeks. i think of you when i lock my door cuz you always made sure, even when you were far away, that my door was locked. here you were so worried about me living and being safe and it was you. i would pray for you everyday when you flew....i knew it was dangerous and i never, ever wanted to lose you. i prayed for you to be safe and for god to watch over you. what happened. sometimes i wonder if i can ever truly overcome this. will i ever get over this? it doesn't seem like it. i cry for you everyday. i wonder how i do this everyday. everyday i just try to "make it", i really do. i feel like it's survival, just make it through this day. thinking ahead is hard. just making it through the day is hard. i wish i could be in heaven with you. i must have a damn good purpose to still be here and to suffer like this. there has to be some a silver lining to this cloud. while i don't think of the future, in a sense i do. i hear about --- getting shut down and i wonder where i will move. i wonder where i'll put all my stuff. i wonder what job i'll have next. i wonder how i will afford to live. i am anticipating a big change in my life, so i am trying to get things paid off and money saved. that way if i have to move and build/buy or pay some exhorborant amount of rent i will hopefully have some money. i think about taking out my retirement and just living as long as i can. i think about coaching now and where will it take me. i don't like work here and especially now they're talking about shutting down ----. i think about how none of this would be happening if you were still alive. we'd be doing acn and this could've possibly been my last year and you'd be becoming financially independent with acn and you wouldn't have to fly anymore, only when you wanted. i don't know why i worry....the future sucks. I just want to be done with life, i just want to be with you. i miss you so bad. i miss your face. i miss your soft skin. it was so soft. no one has skin that soft, you had to of been an angel. i miss your soft hair. i miss your big forearms and hands, they were so manly. i miss your cute skinny white legs. i miss everything about you. i miss laughing with you. i miss cuddling with you. i miss having your arms around me. i miss laying next to you. i miss the way you made me feel. i miss how you brightened my whole world. i miss your smell. i miss your touch. i am so lonely without you. you were so special. you were the one i waited for my whole life. you were my soul mate. i wanted more of us. i wanted us to grow old together and have a beautiful life together. i wanted to be a model of the happiest couple that anyone had ever seen. we were just getting started. it was only the beginning. i have no feelings. no desires. i feel numb. i feel dead. what do i have to look forward to? i don't look forward to the next day because it's such a struggle just to make it through. one day after another, that's not fun. tell me anyone who would look forward to another painful day of realization that you're not here. why can't you just walk through the door and say it was all a mistake. why can't you call me out of the blue and tell me you're ok. why? why do i have to spend the rest of my life without you? why does it have to be this way?

i will go to bed now....and sleep all by myself,...with a huge empty space next to me and in my heart. i will go to bed knowing that i will wake up tomorrow with nothing but an empty void in my heart and in my life. i will try to mask the emotionlessness of what is my life now. i will fake my way through another day and start all over and keep doing it and doing it until i die, which i always hope is so, so soon or until i finally get better (if it's even possible). how do people do this? for realz, how do people do this? if it wasn't for the hope of seeing you again someday, i would just end it all. can't do that though, i'd never make it to heaven. so don't worry, but that's how bad i feel. how empty. how lonely. i miss you and i'm sorry. i know you're probably so mad because i am so sad and i can't get over it, but i can't help it, i loved you and ....... i just need to go. i will always love you. please don't give up on me, i'll keep trying. please don't ever forget about me...please. i love you and i want to be reunited with you someday. i love you so, so much..your baby girl oxoxoxoxox