Your Voice

I'm so lucky I saved these!

"1st call" is when we first started really talking and getting to know each other. He was working in ---- on one of our fire busts. He flew me & a few others to a fire, the ------ fire. My crew hiked in, stayed that night and I woke up early before the crew just so I could hike to the top of this mountain through the worst brush ever just so I could call ------ in the morning and say hi. Well, it went to his voice mail so I left him a message. This message is him calling me back (after I hiked back down). I hiked back up about an hour later, heard his message and called him back. This time we got to talk. :) He ended up slinging us in some water that day so we also got to talk over the radio, but we had to be professional. :) We spent another night and then he picked us up on the third day and flew us out. This was also before he was leaving for Conn. to do his K-Max training. I had (and still have) saved that message for yrs. and I'd always play it back for him to hear, "this is when we were first going out....aren't you so sweet" and he would get all embarrassed, laugh and say, "you should erase that". I'm so glad I never did.

The other two messages are just random messages when he was gone for his 2 wks. flying.

Enjoy hearing his voice.....I know it's hard, it will make you cry. It always makes me cry, but I'm just so lucky I saved these so we can still hear his voice.

I love you! -----

*** To open these you should just click on them like they're any other attachment and they should play in your media player ***

I sent this email to your mom with the 3-mp3's I have of your voice. Your messages that you left me. I think she will really like them. Listening to them makes me miss you so much. I'm still having such a hard time. I struggle. A lot of the time I feel so sad and down. All I want to do is sit, but I suppose it's really not in me. I seem to just go, go, go. I suppose that's a good thing and what I should be doing. As you know I sit and be sad quite a bit, but I think when it's time God has me do random things to keep busy. Like gettting wood, going to Seatttle, spending time with ----. It helps me refocus on what I should be doing. But it's a rollercoaster. Some days I just want to curl up, stay home and be a recluse. And cry and be sad. But other days I don't want the pain and the only way I can feel good is to work and keep busy. I suppose cuz it keeps my mind off of you. But as I've read, it's not good to stay busy and push it away. It may feel good cuz I'm not feeling the pain, but it will resurface later on down the road. I just wanna get it out of the way and experience it all right now. I guess I'm just rambling....it's just been hard and often times I totally feel like screaming, crying and punching something. I hate it so much. I want you back so bad. I miss you so much. When those moments do hit, I promise you, it's the worse feeling I've ever had in my whole life and I hate it. I really do. Ya know I really feel like you are going to be the only person in my life (as far as relationships go), which is fine. It's sad, I can't be with you forever, but the promise of eternal life with you makes it ok. It's hard to fathom, but living with you forever is the only suitable trade off for this pain I'm feeling. I do think of committing my life to God and seeing what it would take to be a nun. I don't ever want anyone else and I want to learn all I can about the Lord, so why not dedicate the rest of my life to the Lord. It can't be you, so I think I should. Wouldn't hurt. I love you more than the world, everything in it and myself. You are the center of my universe.

I just got an email back from your mom. Her response to my email was,

Yes they made me cry but how oh how great to hear he loved you ever so much you made the rest of his life so full & happy god love you for that, thank you for sharing love you always

I'm gonna go now. You are so amazing to me, I'm still in awe of what I had and who you were. I love you so. I will always, your baby girl. xoxoxox