Hard Time

I have such a hard time now acknowledging you.....stupid, i know. I shove you so far back in my mind that you don't exist for me all day, everyday. If I even think of you, I shake my head and tell myself to shut up. It hurts sooooo much, I'm starting to cry now. I hate this. I wish this NEVER would have happened. I hate my life without you now, I absolutely can't stand it. I look at your ak-47 and think how ez it would be to end all this pain and misery. As I've said before i would never do that, but oh how i want to. I would never make it to Heaven if i did that. I can't take that chance. If I think it's bad now, I can only imagine the hell I'd be in if I committed suicide. I just want to be back together so bad. So, so bad. This is killing me honey. Winter is so hard. I keep waiting for your call as it gets dark cuz I know you're done flying. I keep thinking your gone for 2 weeks and I'll get to see you. I keep thinking I'll be driving up to --- to see you soon. I think of you, I think of you, I think of you and you never go away. This brings more memories than the summer and it's not cuz I'm not working and my minds not occupied. It's because this is the main time we spent together, winters is when we made our most memories. This is awful. I hate my life without you. It feels so empty and meaningless. I just wish I could push a fast fwd button and be months, weeks or days away from death. I need you. I read one of your emails the other day and it just killed me. It said "as i sit here with tears in my eyes thinking of you...I would die if you ever left me, I NEEED you in my life" You wrote that to me and look now, I am in that boat. Honey, I NEED you in my life. Going on without you is horrible. I hate it. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad and I'm so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of the excrutiating pit and pain in my gut whenever you come to mind, I'm so tired of crying everytime I think of you or look at your picture. I'm so lonely. Not lonely for anyone or anybody, just you. I am lonely because you have left this huge void in my life. No one can fill it. No one. I get so tired of the pain, that is why i keep shoving you back and back and back. I don't want any more pain. So I'm sorry I haven't emailed you as much or thought about you as much or looked at your picture as much. It's too painful....I just want it all to go away. I want you back in my life so bad. I miss what we had - God, I miss it so much. It's not fair. I hurt.....

bad.

I love you honey, more than anything in this world. I can't stop crying, I need to go. I want you back....please, I'd give anything, even my own life. Luv you forever, xoxoxoxox, your baby girl.