Unbearable

Sometimes I think of your face or that you're gone forever or how much I miss you and I get the most unbearable pit in my stomach. I HAVE to stop thinking about it and think of something else. I feel like I'm going to puke. It's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I swear to God it's unbearable...I can't keep thinking about you. I really do have to think of anything else. It's like for a split second I completely comprehend what has really happened and you are gone forever. I can't handle that, I get the pit in my stomach and I think of something else. It's like I really can't face the facts yet. I need to take this in small doses and I must be for the most part cuz usually I can handle this, but like I said, every now and then the whole big picture just hits me and I feel so, so sick. I hate it. Today really is one of those days I can't think about you or us at all. It's sinking in way too real today. You know I'm so tired of this rollercoaster ride I'm on. I'm tired of being able to cope one day and maybe I can even laugh and joke and if just for a minute I can think of something besides you. On the other hand I could feel helpless and so sick to my stomach the very next minute. I could hate life, I could be so, so sad I dont' even want to live. I just want to die and go to Heaven with you. Then the next minute I think, I'm okay, it happened and I am strong and I will be okay. It's so dynamic. I hate this. I hate this range of emotions. So unpredictable all the time. I hate that I don't have anyone to help me through this. I hate that I don't have anyone that can make it all go away and make me feel better. I hate that it should be you holding me tight and it should be you that I break down and cry to and it should be you that I confess all my feelings, good and bad. I hate that it was supposed to be you and me for a lifetime and now I feel so absolutely empty. And I hate that I wonder if I'll ever be the same again, if I'll ever be normal again, if I should devote the rest of my life you, if it's okay to fall in love again, if I'm even able to love again. I hate the doubt I have about every aspect of my life now. I hate that it's all been turned upside down and I'm left reeling and spiraling out of control. I'm so upset, I'm so tired. I wish more than anything in the whole wide world that this had never happened. I miss you terribly and I'm having a hard time accepting my fate and coping. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I read, no matter how positive I try to remain. I want to be normal and happy again. I'm so tired of how I feel and what this has done to me. I'm tired of being so strong on the outside and feeling so weak on the inside. I want you -----, I want you back in my life so bad. So, so bad. I love you honey and I miss you so much. Please come save me from this hell. Please honey, don't let me down. I love you forever my K-dub. Love, your baby girl.