Dream-like

row, row, row your boat gently down the stream

merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream

Life is still a haze. I was thinking today how this all feels so unreal. I'm in some sort of fog. So I was thinking this is like a dream and the nursery rhyme popped into my head (see above). It is like a dream. I always think I will die soon and I can look back over this thing we call life and smile because it really was all a dream. Really so meaningless. That is how I view life now. You can fight and struggle and become rich or famous, none of it matters in the end. Why struggle through life trying to get ahead? What's the point. I feel like I'm content to continue in this dream state and not care about anything. Really, why? You lose it all in the end anyway. I could die tomorrow and when I'd look back at my life I'd laugh at myself for trying so hard to 'do this or be that or accomplish this' I see now none of that is important. I don't know what is important anymore, to me it seems like nothing is important. It makes life dull, but I am just putting in my time until I can get to the goal: heaven. It seems like such a waste to be on this earth. Why the hell be here, so you can pay some sort of dues and then die. I just want to speed up this whole process and die soon. That's why I wish I could be an old person so bad. Old and retired. I would have no worries. I just want to sit on some porch and watch life pass me by. I want to watch young people go about their business and think that it matters. I just want to watch, I want to put in my time and be gone. It's hard for me right now to find any meaning in this life or any purpose. I don't really want to be here. Not one bit. Happiness seems like something so distant now. I just want to coast the remainder of my days. I want people to leave me alone. I don't need anyone, I don't want anyone. I don't want to ever get close to anything again, I don't ever want to care again, I don't ever want to lose again. I don't ever want to feel this pain again. Although the pain I have is the pain I have. If anyone else close died to me, I'd just be numb. How can I have more pain than what's already here, it's not possible. 8 people in my life have died this year....have died in less than a year. I have learned that life is sad, hurtful and cruel. Why doesn't God take me. I want it. I want it so bad. I have a feeling he won't take people that want to go. We have to stay here and suffer the whole long drawn out process of this game we call life. Well, sub me out I quit. I don't want to play this damn game anymore. God has taken you, the one man I have waited my whole life for. Why didn't he just have me not meet you. I'd be better off right now. I wouldn't be so numb and hurt. I wouldn't be in all this pain. What was the point of exposing me to such beauty. I will always be let down now in the future. I will always be unimpressed by anyone. Why the hell did he bring the greatest human being in the world to me. No one will ever compare and I will have to live with this disappointment for the rest of my life. Someday I pray to wake up from this dream and be wrapped in your arms. I wish I could be wrapped in your arms right now and you would never, ever let go. Ever. I need to go I can't write anymore, the pain is too much. I love you honey, you have got to see the pain I am going through - it's equivalent to the depth of my love for you.....neverending. My love for you will never stop and until I see you again this pain won't either. Honey, you're the best. If there's anything you can do up there to help ease this pain, even if just for a little while, could you please. I really do have to go, this is too much. I love you honey. Forever. xoxoxox