Temptations

Temptations

My two forms of temptation during this time of “crisis” are presumption and despair. I get so frustrated with God that I start to take things into my own hands and the temptation is to explode in a fit of rage towards God. When I abandon God I feel myself spiral into a darkness of anger and hopelessness, not caring about a thing. The other is to give up altogether and dissolve into despair.
My presumptive temptation is to get angry and rebellious toward God. I could see no reason or purpose in what was had happened to you. I have not been far from looking up and shouting, “why did you do this to him, to his mom, to ---, to me, to us??!!!!” “Why?” Other times the temptation to despair is very strong, when I feel like saying, “I quit. I give up. I can’t stand it any longer. Stop the world. I want to get off.”
So far I have not succumbed to either one, I still don’t feel safe yet to say I never will. I suppose that comfort comes in time. So far I can say that I have been given the gift of patience, the gift of enduring and the gift of strength to “walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)
I believe God is present, involved in every moment of my pain and suffering. God presence is a mystery, it’s too big for me to understand. I believe God is here giving me inexhaustible energy, helping me from becoming weak and weary. I’m letting God be God. He’s giving me what He’s willed to give and what’s appropriate. God has given me power and has increased my strength.
Well, that is how it is, and here I am this evening, broken hearted, still bearing in my spirit the wounds of darkness. I have no wings with which to fly or even any legs on which to run, BUT by the grace of God, I am still on my feet. I have not fainted yet. I have not exploded in the anger of presumption, nor have I keeled over into the paralysis of despair. All I am doing right now is walking without fainting. Hanging in there. Enduring what I cannot change but have to bear.
It may not sound like much to you, but to me it’s the most appropriate and most needful of all God’s gifts. And who knows, if I am willing to accept his gifts and just hang in there and not cop out, maybe the day will come that you and I can run again and not be weary, and that we may even soar some day, and rise up with wings as angels. But until then – to walk and not faint, that is enough.

Read Isaiah 40:27-31