Wonder

I wonder if it's good that I still can't even really look at your picture. Dammit I'm so good at burying crap. Like burying you and never acknowledging that it happened. It's so easy to turn the page (even though I don't want to) and put it all behind me. I am a master and shoving things down and never thinking of them again. Looking at your picture is so painful, it makes me think of you and all our good times. I swear I just can't do it. It seems like it gets worse with time. I don't know, I just wonder if that's good. Or normal even. I mean, crap, I can't even look at you. I can't look you in the eye....in a picture! What the hell is wrong with that? I'm afraid it might be one of my avoidance techniques and I'm avoiding the pain by not looking at your pic. I don't think about you sometimes for a while too. Like I do for days on end and it hurts and sucks so bad, so then I just don't think of you too deeply for days. I don't let myself. I tell myself to shut up, shake my head and think of something else. Ughh, hate it. It hurts. I don't know, I thought of you last night a lot. I looked out the window and talked to you. I probably thought about you for a good hour, talked to you, cried. I don't know. I guess it goes in spurts. So honey, the reason I don't write you everyday like I should is cuz it hurts me too much and I'm trying to suppress it....even if for a day. Just so I can feel good, just for a day. I need it, I'm tired of hurting. I'll write you more later. It's the 13th. 4 more days and it will be 9 f*ck*n months! Ughh, hate it!
I love you, I'm sorry I'm a bitter ol' hag. My love hasn't died. I love you always!! oxoxoxoxox Your Baby Girl 4 Ever.