9 Days Later

You found God and 9 days later you were gone. That's so important, yet I haven't thought of it in a long time. Remember when you came home from the gym and you were so excited. We had to go to the Christian bookstore right then and buy A Purpose Driven Life and a new Bible. You bought me a book so we could read them together when you were gone. We said prayers before dinner. We prayed together. We read the Bible together (not as much as we should've or I would've liked). Remember when we were at my house and you asked, do you think premarital sex is right? We talked about that. You were so serious about God and it was so exciting to see your excitement. Yet I was kind of taken aback, it happened so suddenly and I couldn't believe it....wow, what happened. You transformed over night, right before my eyes. I wish we could still be together so we could read the Bible together and A Purpose Driven Life. We only got 9 days into it. I want to cry so bad because I miss you....what you were and what you were becoming. I miss you honey, so, so bad. I want to be in Heaven with you so bad. I don't know how to make that stop. I'm on earth and that's okay, but I would give anything to see you again and live eternally next to you in Heaven. I pray that I can die and see you....I even dream about dying and before I think I'm going to die in my dream, I think I will be going to Heaven to see -----. I can't see this feeling going away. My life has changed so much, I feel like a completely different person. I feel so different. It's not the same, I'm not the same. Who would have imagined death changes you so much. Honey, I made a memorial site for you and one of the things it has made me realize is there are a lot of people out there who have lost people way before their time. Most importantly I think of all the people in the world who are hurting as much as me. Honey, there are A LOT. I wonder why this is all part of Gods plan? Why do we have to suffer through this? Why do so many moms with babies and young kids have to suffer because their child was murdered or because their child died of some rare disease or because their child was killed in a car accident? Why do so many people have to hurt. There is so much pain in those 'memory-of' pages. I want to scream....STOP! Stop making us hurt God....these are all good people with good kids....just please stop!! Isn't there enough pain in the world without taking innocent people. I don't understand and all I want in my life is to see you again. I miss you so much. Honey, I'm so lost. What am I going to do with my life? All I wanted was you. You were all I wanted.....almost the moment we met I knew you were what I had been patiently waiting for my whole life. Why would God do this? I'm so lost and confused. I hurt so bad, I want this to go away, but I know it won't. I know this is forever. You were always forever with me, I just didn't know it would be pain from not having you. This isn't the forever I pictured with you. The movie Notebook made me think of us and forever. Growing old together, side by side, so in love. The love that everyone dreams of. Love where people look at us and say look at them, they are sooo in love, now that is love! That's what was supposed to happen. Now it will be, look at that poor girl, she never got over losing ----. It will be that way too. That's just how it is, but that is okay, I can deal with this pain on earth, because I know this is but a sliver in our life. This little amount of time means nothing and I will suffer as long as God wants me to ..... even if it's until I die because I know the reward at the end. It is the most beautiful thing God has ever placed on this earth and I will get to see and be with you again....my angel that God sent me for 3 short years. Honey, I'm going to go now....I can't stop crying and I can't stop missing you and I can't make this pain stop. I need you, can God please see that and take me from here. I love you honey....more than anything ever. G'night my beautiful....yours ALWAYS oxoxoxoxoxo