Sometimes

Sometimes I get busy and I don't write you like I should....but I am busy with your memorial site....I want it to be the most beautiful thing ever. I want it so bad to reflect the love that ----- and I have for you. I feel like the more perfect it is the more it truly represents you. So I have been on this internet, neglecting everything trying to find poems and pictures for your page. Your mom loves it and for that I am thankful, she seems to enjoy it and has been using it as a tool to express her emotions. I think that is important for her, I don't think it is easy for her to talk about you, but I think it is a little bit easier for her to write to you. So I hope I have done some good for your mom and I am contributing to her healing process. Honey, I am crying right now because we are all in still so much pain. Why did we have to lose you? Why us? This is supposed to happen to other people, not us. As I look at the other memorial sites that people have erected I shake my head. All these people were so young and died so tragically. Why? There are so many, I would've never guessed. And I see all the families pain, it's hard to believe I am one of them. I would never in a million years pictured I would be in this situation. And most importantly in a million years I would've never guessed the pain to be so intense. NEVER. I knew this kind of stuff had to of really hurt people, but I didn't think it would be like this. I guess I don't know what I thought it would be like, I never really thought about it. I just assumed as time went on people just moved forward and it hurt them in the recesses of their mind. I thought it faded. But it doesn't. Do you know what time does honey, it makes you get better at hiding the pain. It doesn't lessen the pain at all. We just get better at masking it. I hurt so bad. I want us to be together again so bad. My mind is so confused. I try to tell myself, maybe it's better this way, but what the fuck am I thinking....why do I think that? That is ridiculous. You were the most loving and amazing person I have ever met. I think I try to trick myself into thinking that this isn't so bad so the pain doesn't hurt me as much. Well, screw that, I will take all the pain. Now matter how deep it is or how long it lasts. I will not lessen the pain by denying the truth that you were the only one for me. I will not deny any truths....the truth that you treated me like a queen and no man will ever even come close to you. I believed that while I lived so why does my mind try to tell me, well, maybe there is someone else out there. Shut up, there is not, no matter what my mind says. The truth is you were one of a kind and you were my soul mate. There is only one of those in your lifetime. I had one and now you are gone. Life is tough, I need to deal. It sucks that I only had one chance, but I got it and it was a glorious beautiful thing. You did that honey, it was you who made it the time of my life. I know why my mind tells me those lies because what we shared was amazing....any human being would want to recreate what we had. Of course, it's only natural that I would want to recreate it all again. I do, I really, really do. I would give anything to feel those emotions again and it hurts my heart so bad to know that I never will again for the rest of my life. But what my mind doesn't understand and my heart does is it can't be recreated. The only possibility of recreating something that we experienced together is to be together again. My heart knows I can't gain the happiness and pure joy we shared with someone else. It's not possible, but my mind is so dumb it wants that "high" again and it's trying to drive me to get it. I have to keep telling myself to shut up because it will NOT happen again. Not because of this bullshit that people say, "I can't get close again, I don't want to get hurt." Well, that honestly doesn't apply to me. #1 - I am so numb that anyone in my life could die right now and the pain can't get any deeper, it's as deep as I can go. So if I got close to someone else and they died again....oh well. #2 The love that you and I experienced is well worth the hurt. If I had to redo it all over again knowing this same pain would happen. I would do it again. Not only would I do it again but I would do it over and over and over. So the getting hurt part doesn't bother me cuz the love is always worth the hurt. So I guess those are my two reasons that I can prove to you I am not using that cop out excuse. Not getting close to someone for fear of pain is stupid and in my mind uncontrollable, I know I personally can't control who I take a liking to. It just happens, I don't think of the future and what could happen. I think of the moment we are in and if it's good I enjoy it. Fear does not come into play. Anyhow, the real reason is I KNOW for certain that what we had was REAL, UNIQUE and only ONCE in a lifetime. I am a fool to believe I can ever get that again. Besides Heaven. So my next step which I am fine with, it's just the pain of it, is that I must convince my mind that the truth is there is no other ----. Longing for the emotions and feelings that were so good is natural, but the sooner I can get past that longing the better it will be for me. That is half the pain right there. Maybe even most of it. Because really if you think about it, the feelings you evoked in me were what attracted me to you I suppose. Think about this, this is new to me, a new revelation, so go with me on this one for a second. What if you came back but you were a different person (looked the same but acted different) and you didn't evoke the same emotions in me. Well, if you don't conjure up love, passion, admiration, respect and a lot of other emotions you wouldn't be as appealing would you? Or you could come back with a different shell. What if you came back and looked like the average Joe but you acted the same as you used to. Your actions would evoke the same responses in me because that's what I'm attracted to and I would like you even if you didn't look the same. So I guess what I really long for is the same things that evoked the emotions in me that made me look at you with love and admiration (to only name two of many). I must be tired because I feel like I just said something really dumb. What kind of revelation is that? haha. Oh well, you are used to me asking you all sorts of deep questions and rambling on about stuff like this. I suppose I will go to bed now. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. What you did for me and how your treated me was exemplary, you really knew how to make a woman feel good. I will forever be thankful for what we shared. I will cherish it forever in my heart. It will take up all my heart. I never want anyone else to replace you or our memories. They are ours forever. I sometimes feel you slipping away and I hate that more than anything. I DONT want that. Please stay with me, don't take away my feelings, don't take away my memories. Honey, I need you. I want you forever so please don't slip away. I NEED YOU!! I love you honey, oh how I just wish I was in Heaven with you right now. Forget this crappy thing we call life here on earth. I want you, I want Heaven, I want Jesus and I want God. Work on that for me, will ya' honey. I could always trust you. I love you honey...you are gorgeous and you are beautiful.