Daughters Birthday

i won't say much, although i should becuz i'm in the mood to type you a frickin book. i have so much to say to you...all i do is drive and i think and think and think and think. my thoughts are absolutely amazing, at least to me, and i'd love to share them with you, but they are always when i am driving and i vow to get home and tell them to you, but the mood changes and it comes out bland or i can't think on the same wave length as when i was driving and it never comes out to anything special. it looks more like rambling, but i swear when i'm thinking i feel like a genius who could write a book.

anyway, i love you more than life itself and that is true, i don't just say that. i would give up my life to be with you, no question. i have a feeling that's not in god's plan. i guess i should get going, it's late. 2 am and this is not how late i wanted to stay up, especially after today cuz it was emotional. it was -----'s birthday today. i spent the day with her and ------- ....and nothing is the same without you. i don't like life at all without you. it's so pointless and EMPTY!!! i really could go on and on, but on the other hand i am so numb. today will hit me like a ton of bricks tomorrow....maybe the next day, but guaranteed it will hit.. hard. that's how it is. i know cuz everytime something about today and you not being there pops into my head, my immediate thought is to kill myself....remember, i would never do that, it's just how i feel. obviously for me to feel that means the pain is INTENSE, so intense i want to escape....ugh....i'm thinking about it a little now and I HATE it!!!! i do need to go to bed, but it has been 11 months (yesterday) and i was in ------- so i couldn't write your letter....and today i was in ------ ....hate that, so i couldn't do it today. BUT i have a lot pent up that i need to get off my chest. a lot i need to tell you so i will write you tomorrow. hate my life right now...absolutely hate it. hate, hate, hate. i'm gonna go to bed before i go crazy venting on here. i love you 'til the end of time. you are the most beautiful human being i have ever met in my whole life. you were my king. you were my idol. i worshipped you and the ground you walked on. you are forever my "one" without a doubt you were my soul mate...you ARE my soul mate. we will be reunited. i'll wait. i love you FOREVER. i can't wait to see you in heaven....i soooo can't wait. xoxoxoxo your baby girl