Death And My Day

I already wrote u about ------ stopping by and we had a nice talk about basically how u feel after death and how people make us mad. After we had a good talk ----- called and I thanked her for being such a good friend and not a dumb friend who says dumb things or doesn't say anything at all. She told me about her dream she had about you. How she saw 5 people coming out of a hustling and bustling shop in downtown N.J. Immediately she noticed and knew that it was your mom and dad. Then there was a teenage girl, another person (she couldn't remember) and then you. Only she didn't figure out it was you until after she talked to your mom and dad for awhile. Then when she realized it was you, she said you were really quiet and sad. Really sad. She said you were just really down. You didn't talk at all. She said she was shocked because you were supposed to be dead. She didn't say much more of the dream after that but she thought about it when she woke up and what kept coming to her mind was that you were sad because we wouldn't be spending valentines day together. I agreed with her. I was thinking about valentines day the last few days and how much it was going to suck without you and all the neat things we did for each other in the past. i wondered if i should decorate your site with valentines hearts like everyone else does, but i just didn't know if i could do it without getting too sad or mad. anyhow, I want you to know this will be the worst valentines day of my life. it already makes me sad to think about it...i just want it to come and go. to pass by as fast as it can. well, after talking with --- i felt pretty good. i think because i finally got to talk about you and that always makes me feel good. if i can talk to anyone about you and tell happy stories, it makes me think back and smile. i don't get to do that very often. nobody likes to bring up your name. :( so i was feeling pretty good and than i watched montell williams. he had the physic sylvia brown on his show. in the past i had always felt like she was a fake and all that stuff was a bunch of crap, but some of the things she says gives me the hope i need to reassure me that you are out there and you do think about us and you can come to us in different ways. and whether it's fake or not, the hope and smiles she brings to people in the audience when she says things about their loved ones who have passed. things that no one would know except the people...it makes me smile for them and like i said, makes me happy cuz i know you are probably looking after me. like you coming to ---- in a dream to let her know that you're sad too cuz we can't spend valentines day together. so after watching that i felt still good. after that oprah was on and she was interviewing people who survived horrific accidents. people who should've died. there was one guy who was in a plane crash (747) and the plane broke in half and it was on fire. he said at one point he looked from his broken section of plane into the other section and he could see everyone up in flames, still strapped into their seats. by then they were all dead and he was watching them burn up. he said he saw a bright aura surrounding all the people. he said some were brighter than others. he said that changed him spiritually and he wanted to be a bright aura when he died so he was doing everything that he could to be a better person. he also said something that stuck with me. he said people change throughout their lifetime, some very slow with time and then there are people who change and go through stages very rapidly, usually due to some tragedy. that supports my thoughts on how fast i feel like i've aged. i feel so old now, surviving this. anyhow that is my death day....not to mention i spent the afternoon with ---- and she showed me her memorial stones for ----- and all the things she had up for him. she talked about him a lot. i let her, i know how much she needs it (cuz i need it too). he died feb. 18th, about a month before you. boy, this spring is going to be hard. specifically the end of February and march. i guess i'll make it, i've made it through everything else. i haven't really seen your mom on your site lately, i don't know if she is doing too good. if you can you should help her out as much as you can. i worry about her, i think she needs all the help and guidance that she can get....from above too. people/friends don't help. i pray that she is okay. well honey, i don't know why but i think my death day has made me very emotional and i'm emotionally exhausted today. i guess i'll go to bed. I love you with all my heart honey. i will love you 'til my dying day. i miss you too, i miss everything about you....everything. you were perfect. well, i better go, i hurt. bye my beautiful soul. always and forever - you and no other - just you and me forever honey....your baby girl xoxoxxoxo