Quick Hi

hi honey bunny. i have to admit i have a hard time having any good feelings when i write you. i want so bad for you to be alive and all my emails to be full of love, love, love. instead i feel like i'm writing to air lately so when i say how much i love you and miss you it's hard to get really emotional because who the hell am i talking to and who am i sending to? air. i don't know if it's that or just that i miss you so much i don't know what words to say. what the hell can i say for you to really know how much i miss you. i can say i miss you so, so, so much and maybe if i put a million "so's" you might get an idea that i miss you a lot. or i could say i reallllly miss you and the more letters i add to the word really might give you a good idea of how much i miss you. or i could tell you that thinking about your absence makes me cry. or i could tell you i feel so hollow inside because you are gone and in your place is a hole. or i could tell you that i miss you so much i don't want to live anymore because life is empty without you. or i could tell you i miss you so much there is a pit in my stomach 24-7. i could tell you all those things and they still don't paint a picture of how much i really miss you. valentines day is coming up...you're not here. your mom's birthday is coming up....you're not here. -----'s birthday is coming up...you're not here. your birthday is coming up....you're not here. what's wrong with this picture. it's not right. it's so fucking wrong. i don't know why God took you. i'm so selfish because you are having a blast and i want to bring you back. i'm sure you'd never come back givin the choice...who would. if you were here for your birthday i'd make fun of you because you're going to be 40. i can't even gather up enough of a sense of humor to poke fun at you. i can't gather up enough of anything but pain, hurt, empty, sad....yeah, i gotta lot of that. i don't even know why i write you when all i do is bitch about how much i hurt. if you could read these i'm sure you hate them, i suppose there's a slim chance you might understand i need to do this to vent and hopefully heal. whatever, these days i seem like i ramble when i write. i talk about nothing with meaning, i just ramble, just like now. i'm gonna go. i just wanted to say hi, tell you i miss you, but for some reason it doesn't feel good to do this right now. i love you so much it hurts honey. and i know it's forever. xoxox your baby girl