Answers

Honey, I really need you so bad right now. How do I get rid of this pain in my heart, literally, it is there. I have these visions of just taking a knife and plunging it into my heart over and over and over to make the pain go away. My heart feels like an injured animal that needs to be put out of it's misery. I swear it hurts so bad, this really is what a broken heart feels like. I don't want to stab my heart over and over to die, just to put it out of it's misery; to make the pain stop. I don't know what to do honey. I don't know how to make it go away. Sometimes I feel okay, but really who am I fooling. I am not okay. I'm doing horrible, I miss you and I can't stop crying about you. I just want all this to go away, all I want is you. I feel so helpless. I feel like this pain has got a grip on me and I really don't know what to do. It is the most hopeless, helpless feeling I've ever had. What do I do? I can't even begin to tell you how bad I wish you would come back. Or even how bad I wish I was with you. I have no idea how to make the pain go away. I can hardly sleep and people eat more at one sitting than I eat in a day. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't rot the day away crying. I do normal things, but you are so over-bearing. You never leave my thoughts. I can't escape you. No matter how busy I keep myself you are at the forefront. Ugh. People call me and I never call them back. I never feel like talking to people. Never. But if people call me I am fine, really. I enjoy talking to people when they call, that doesn't bother me. In fact, I'm glad people call me because I will never call them. Don't ask why. Maybe it's just because I'm really not thinking about other people during the day. I don't know, but I'm fine interacting with people when they call and I'm genuinely happy. Rarely do I have to fake that I'm happy they called. I'm pretty sincere when it comes to that. So here I sit with this pain. Just me and this pain and I'm so helpless, it just engulfs me and I let it because everything I've tried doesn't work. I don't know honey. Nothing is real anymore. I sometimes feel like a stranger in this world. I feel like this is all some crazy mind numbing dream. It is still so surreal, I can't comprehend what's going on around me. I really do feel zombied out and I am just lost. Plain and simple...LOST. I feel like I'm blindly wandering in this world with no direction or purpose, I just go. I don't know what I'm doing or saying nor do I care. All I care about is getting out of bed in the morning and exercising. Those are the only things I feel I must do. Of course I get out of bed every day and the majority of the time I get my exercise in. Some days I just can't muster up enough motivation to do it, but that's pretty rare. Don't you think that's weird. I don't think about eating, sleeping, talking to other people, showering, moving. Just the bare necessities to survive - waking up. So why is exercise so important? I don't know. That must be when Jesus is carrying me...haha. Poor guy running all those miles for me. I guess someone's gotta do it. Anyway, I just wanted to vent in hopes that maybe I could get some of this hurt out. I guess typing/talking to you makes me forget about the pain for the time being. I'm going to go to bed now and maybe when I wake up it will be a new day and this pain won't be as intense. Oh, it will still be there, but my hope it's not as strong. G'nite to you my love of a life time. I miss you horribly. Love you always my K-dub - your baby girl