Welcome To My Life

Explain how this gets harder and harder as time goes on. I really don't know how people just don't cave in to this pain. I really don't understand how this could ever get better...hey, I'm all for it. I'm all for being genuinely happy again, laughing deep and smiling big. And really meaning it. I've never been so lonely. I could be talking with people or in a room packed full of people and I'm still lonely. Nothing feels right anymore, this life is so surreal. None of this can be happening. I'm in such a fog, I still feel like I'll wake up and I'll be in Heaven or something. This just can't be real. How am I supposed to move forward when I can't even get my bearing. I feel dizzy, like I'm spinning in circles and I have no clue where I am or even which way to turn. I look around this world and all I see is deciept, lies, death, corruption, evil, war, dysfunction. Honey, I think you took my glasses that only saw good, because I see no good anywhere. Not in this world and not in my life. I really don't know how this world will ever be the same to me. I can honestly say when you died you took a piece of me with you. You've left a shell of what used to be. I do try so hard to be social and smile, but it's all a big front. All I want to do is anything that doesn't involve people. I feel like I'm a member of some special club, where the only criteria is someone close to you died. Honest to God, if it hasn't happened to you, you have NO clue. No clue to the depth of the pain. No clue to the daily struggle just to function. That's what makes this so hard. I'm a silent sufferer with no one to turn to. This has not happened to anyone close to me. Isn't funny how the people I talk to the most are people it's happened to and it's on the internet. It's like we're some outcast group in society. A group no one wants to understand. A group that's left to their own to fight, claw and survive. Yes, we are silent sufferers with no one to talk to. What good does it do to talk to someone across the United States about your pain. They're not your boss, they're not your best friend, they're not your family, they're not your co-workers, they're not the friends you hang out with, they're not the very people you need to understand you the most. Yeah, I talk to them because they can relate, they experience the same sick, twisted pain that I feel day in and day out. They understand my battle and my fight to "make it" everyday and I understand theirs. What's most painful is very few if any people around us understand and yet we are expected to act the same as life was before. People don't understand that life is gone, that person is gone. They think you should be the same happy go lucky person they knew a year ago. Why can't they just understand when you connect with someone, your very being connects and when you lose that special someone they take that part of you away, leaving an empty shell. Leaving a person who must relearn everything. Everything is new, experiences are new, social interactions are new, waking up every morning is new. I am a new person in a new world. I must relearn how this me, this brand new person, is going to interact in this world without you. I have been stripped of every ounce of truth I ever had. No longer do I believe in tomorrows; for me, my family or friends. I expect people to die any time now. No longer do I believe in dreams. "Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain." I lost my only dream since I was a little girl. I had dreams of marrying a prince, we would raise a family together, we would build our dream house together, we would have a beautiful little wedding in a cute church, we would honeymoon in Caribbean, we would grow old together into our 80's and 90's - holding hands 'til the end. I dreamed of an everlasting love that everyone looked up to, a love that everyone would emulate, a love in which people would look at us and say that's how to do it. To be partaking in those dreams and one month from the rest of those dreams and then to lose them in a blink of an eye...one phone call. That is what it means to lose every ounce of truth. Nothing is certain in my life anymore. I question everything now, is this even important to me anymore? I look at my job, why even do it? I look at my friends, is that someone I want to waste my precious time with? I look at everything as expendable. I believe if I have lost the one true thing that I NEVER thought I'd lose what does that say for everything else in my life. If something I thought was so certain can be gone in a blink of an eye, then so can the rest of it. I've lost all faith. I hang by a thread to my faith in the Lord and that thread is the ONLY thing that gets me through each day. If I had no faith in the Lord I would've left this earth as soon as I heard you were gone. What's so terrible to me is the possibility that I may not see you again for years and years and years. I have faith that I will see you again, but if it's 30-60 yrs from now, that is way too long. That will more than likely be my life expectancy. It may sound horrible to some, but it is my wish that I be taken from this earth as soon as possible. I am having a horrible time adjusting to the new me (that's not even a me I like) and this new world. I'm so lost, I leave for my trip tomorrow and what I'm looking forward to the most is the solitude in my car just driving, thinking and listening to music. If I feel like stopping to take a break or pictures I can and if I want to sleep in my car I will and if I want to stop I will....no time line, no pressures. The worst part of this trip is the commitment to all the people that want to see me. Ugh, maybe they're just concerned and I know once I visit with them I will be glad I did. But part of me can't help but think, if they are so concerned about me, why don't they call, why don't they email, why don't they light a candle or two for you, why don't they visit me! No one ever visits me...well, I take that back, I have a few "friends" that have visited me and for that I am thankful. Grateful. They are my true friends. So I leave tomorrow and I am just regretting all of it. I'll be glad when I'm back home and I can sleep in my own bed (our bed) and sit right here night after night writing you letters. Yeah, I'm a f**in' nut job :) but I don't care. I only care about you and being with you again, besides that, nothing else in this life matters. So with that being said, here's a song for ya - Welcome To My Life....but before I go, I love you more than than life itself and I miss you more than words can say. So, so much. I also get so tired of writing "I love you & I miss you" to you everyday, at least 3 times a day. I guess I don't get tired of it, I get tired of my lack of vocabulary...I say the same sh*t everyday, at least when you were here I could show you everyday by doing different little things. Just telling you the same words everyday makes me feel like it's not enough and that I don't like! But I'll say it again anyway, I love you tremendously and miss you!! Love always, your baby girl

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life