One Year & One Month

ONE YEAR & ONE MONTH

It's been a long time since I've seen you yet it also feels like yesterday that you waved to me as you hopped in the Neon and drove down Fairway Drive. NEVER would I think you weren't coming back. NEVER would I think that was the last time I'd ever see you. I'm struggling with all of this honey. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused, my life does NOT seem right. I feel so lost without you. What did you do to me? I feel so hopeless, like this will last forever. I don't see any end to this pain I'm in and I don't feel like it will come anytime soon. I want more than anything to be back in your arms. Something about being held by you made everything alright. You were peace for me. I saw something today on TV about a girl who's sister had died. She was explaining her sister and she said, "there was something different about my sister, just something that was......well, just different. Like she didn't belong here (on earth) and it ended up being true, she was too good for here, she belonged up there. When I heard her say that, I couldn't believe it, She said what I felt, but could never put a finger on, you were too good for this earth. I got to be with you for a little bit of your time here. Oh honey, I hurt so bad. I don't know if I can make it sometimes. I never fathomed pain could run this deep. I've been bombarded with YOU the last couple days. On Sunday Mr. Cheeks and I went to church. He told me he prayed to God that he wished you could be here with us still. And he said a few more things about "Uncle -------". After church we went to WalMart and I got the film I dropped off and the CD with pix for -----. I wanted so bad for there to be pix of you on the mystery disposable camera and sure enough, there were two. They were the first ones I turned to! One was of you driving and the other was you standing in some hotel room with your shirt off (cute little white belly) and jeans talking on the phone. I'm pretty sure it was when we went to see your mom in ------. It was the Apple Cup that weekend I remember that. So I kept looking at those pictures over and over - and all I wanted to do was hurry and come home and make ------s photo album for him. Eventually I made the get away from moms and I came back and spent a few hours sorting through all your pictures making your dads photo album. Looking at all those pictures brought back so many memories. Then that night ------ called and told me the FAA finished your report on the wreck and we talked about you for a long time. I read a little bit of it, but I just couldn't do it (read all of it that is). I finally just went to bed because I felt exhausted emotionally having such a day filled with you, you, you. Next morning (yesterday) dad, Mr Cheeks and I went to your moms and I got that Mustang. That's a whole 'nuther story, I feel so awkward accepting a gift so large from your mom. Maybe she's doing it because you would've done it for me - she says I'm all she's got now. I'm so grateful, but it so hasn't hit home yet. What can I say? So we get to your moms house and I was on the verge of tears a million times with most of our conversations. I've already blocked some out I see cuz I can't remember all of them now. And Oscar - just seeing Oscar made me want to cry. He would lean against me .... maybe he knew .... he knew I was a part of you and you were a part of me. He would look at me too and why did I want to cry so bad - something in his eyes. It's a dog, but it was more than that...I know it. Your mom had a collage with a lot of your baby pix - the one you tried to hide from me in your moms camper was up. Made me smile but miss you so bad all at once. Then there was a pic of you and me at Uncle ----- and Aunt -------s. I remember that day too. How uncomfortable I used to feel being around your family when we first started, I wanted them to like me and now I feel like they are my own family and I probably talk to them more than my own. And then your mom had this wall next to her computer full of pix of you & you n me. I spaced off looking at them and thinking about us. Then dad and her talked about your helicopter accident and I pretty much stayed out of it cuz it HURT too bad to even think about you crashing in your helicopter. Oh yeah, then your mom brought out that quilt her friend made for her and it was gorgeous. It had your flight suit with your cougar hat and your jeans. It was too much, I wanted to cry then too. I gave her a few presents with your name on them and it made me want to cry. I don't know, there were just sooo many times I wanted to cry. Oh yeah, just on the way down, driving through ------ and ------- - I hate that - I hate the memories that come up from the time we stayed down in -------. I saw the road you drove down to go to work in --------, then dad stopped at the very store that you and I did when we were down there. I drove by the place we looked at our laptops. I remember driving into ------- talking to you on my cell phone and there you were in your white pickup and I followed you and we both parked on that side street and just hugging you and being so excited to see you. I miss that more than anything in the whole world. I don't know hon - there was just way too many memories. I know I could pick my brain and bring up every little thing that made me think of you but this would be 10 pages long. Mr. Cheeks thought the Jolly Green Giant on the hillside was "Ucnle ------". He liked the song "Bad Day" and we were driving through that same area when you were trying to call Sirius to request it and I was reading you the article about Daniel Powter and how he used to be into drugs. All along the Columbia River...I remember. Then we all went and had lunch/dinner with your dad and I gave him the photo album and I wanted to look at it with him, but as soon as I gave it to him he put it in his truck and I'm glad he did cuz I decided it would've just been another cry I would've had to hold in. Well, the day was exhausting for me and I decided not to cry at all no matter what that I would save it for today cuz today is your day and I just want to fall apart now. I can't explain how out of it I feel. I feel like I'm floating in this world - aimlessly - I have absolutely no direction. I don't know how to put it into words. When I drive I think of how I really feel, but do you think I can remember to put it to words once I finally get to a computer....no. It just seems like I had so much I wanted to write to you today and now I think I'm just so tired and so numb that I can't even think. I get like that sometimes. I'm either real emotional or I just go flat like right now. I can't think. I stare straight ahead. I space off. I don't think. It's like I'm asleep with my eyes open. I don't know the answer. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel because look at me, I can't even explain it to you - the one person I could talk to about anything. So how can I be expected to get my point across to anyone else? I don't have faith in myself. Whenever I sometimes do start to say anything to anyone - ----- or ------- usually - or even ------ - I stumble on my words and nothing ever comes out like I think it in my head. So I keep it all bottled in or really I write it to you in an email. Plus I don't want to share my feelings with anyone cuz I don't want them to worry and I certainly don't want anyones sympathy. I don't know if I want this pain either. I don't know if I should pray for God to take the pain away or look at it as a gift, that the more pain I'm givin from God the more he is preparing me for Heaven. I want to suffer so much if that is the case - give me suffering until I die - then I can offer it up. I get confused about what to pray for - they say to feel honored if God tests you with suffering - you are his child. He's putting you to a test, so I want all he can throw me, I will take it all. But sometimes I want it all to end, but then again I don't. If I ever had a normal life full of happiness without you I would feel extremely guilty. I feel like I need to hurt sooooo bad - as an expression of my love for you. The more I loved you, the more I hurt. And then sometimes I feel so selfish when I want you to pleeeeasse come to me in a dream or please help me out. I see your mom and think about ------ and think how can I be so selfish to always want you....maybe or probably they need you more than I do. I am strong - I hurt like hell, but I am strong as hell too. So then I think not to bug you with my whimpering, whining and pleading cuz they need it so much more and you probably hate to see me be like this too. Then I feel guilty cuz I worship you so much and put you on a pedestal and I need to watch out for that cuz it's idolatry. I need to love God and Jesus as much as I love you. Well, I do, but I'm so much more vocal and "i love you' a million times to you versus them. I hurt cuz I can't be with you and I should hurt just as bad cuz I can't be with Jesus. I'm so confused about how to feel and I want to do everything okay so I get into Heaven. I want that so bad. Did I tell you I seriously contemplate giving it all up and going into a convent or being a nun. I don't know what it takes, but I'm so serious, something has changed in my life. Nothing is important to me anymore. It seems like this earth is just some place for me to ride out my time - really. I have no more hopes or dreams. My only hopes and dreams now are to make it to Heaven and to see you. That's it. And that is no joke. Anything else is pointless/worthless. And this is really bad, but it's how I feel. I feel so low right now, like the bottom has fallen out. I can't hurt anymore than what I do now or feel any more depth of pain than what I feel now. The reason I say that is I think about what would happen if I just left here and NEVER talked to any of these friends here or anywhere - basically just left, assumed a new identity and didn't talk to anyone. Just sat next to some pond all day in AZ feeding geese and praying about Heaven and thinking about you. I wouldn't miss anyone and I wouldn't hurt. Then I think what if all my family and your family got in some freak accident and I was left here all by myself. Of course, that is horrific and I don't ever, ever wish that, but I think how would that effect me and I honestly can say that it would just be more tragedy and death to add to my life but I certainly wouldn't feel any deeper pain, hurt, anget, sorrow, etc. than I do now. Bottom line is I am as low as I can go - that is the point I am trying to convey, that I am in pain, not that I want that to happen nor am I testing God or anything like that. Just stuff I think about - basically, can I hurt anymore than I already am? The answer is no, I can't. So I'm not looking to forward to facing more of your memories again all summer. I can't even think about it or I make myself sick (like I felt the last 3 days), so I don't think about it. I do what I'm probably supposed to do and take it one day at a time and only try to make it through tomorrow. Hah, I feel like a bubble ready to burst. Like I'm on the verge of something....I know I won't be living here much longer. I know I won't be working in ------- or on the ------ much longer. I don't know where I'll be but I do know I'd feel much better if I had more money when I moved - more money than now that is. I'll either be in Green Valley working at some library or something or I'll be living with Grandma ---- working in ------ or I'll be living with ------ coaching with ---- or I'll be somewhere being a nun - hell if I know I just feel something big is coming up. And another thing I was thinking as I was driving was the only time I feel good is when I am at church and that is no joke....what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even feel good around my own family. I'm messed up and I don't want to be that messed up. Sure I want to mourn your loss but healthy. I don't want to feel not good all the time, but then again I guess whatever I've got going on can't be turned off n on like a light switch. So I was thinking when am I happy or what makes me happy these days. Well, doing anything that involves you makes me comfortable feeling - indifferent - which is good compared to the usual piece of crap I feel like. So if I am writing you an email, working on your memory of page, your myspace page, looking at your pix, spacing off thinking of you, listening to music that makes me think of you, blah, blah, blah - any of that makes me just content feeling which right now is good and I will take it. What makes me happy though, and it's the only thing I've found is going to church. I actually feel okay, safe, comfortable and happy in church. It lasts an hour but sometimes when I get out it carries over anywhere from 5 minutes to maybe an hour longer, so that is good. It makes me feel so good that I wish I lived closer so I could go everyday - the thing that makes me feel so good is receiving communion cuz I know I am receiving the body and blood of Christ. I know he is in me. That is also why I think about becoming a nun so much, it's all that makes me happy right now....plus I am happiest when I am listening/learning on the Catholic Channel (radio) or EWTN (radio). I like listening to those channels so much that I wish I could drive forever (if gas didn't cost so damn much!!). So anyway all that makes me feel so good, so I need to write Father G and letter and enquire about being a nun. Anyhow, I suppose I will go to be now. I'm sorry I didn't write more about how amazing, and gorgeous, and perfect, and lovely, and beautiful you are. I really meant what I said about the girl talking about her sister and her sister being too good to be here. If you were alive I would tell you right now that I believe you are too good for this earth - you really are - you are in the right place. That's why I always called you my angel sent from above because in my mind you truly were a piece of Heaven - you couldn't have been anything less. I sure miss you. I really do honey. I miss everything about you - I really do look forward to the time when I can see you again. You're a lucky man to be in Heaven and I'm just as lucky to have known you. I love you honey. So, so much. Until we meet again, yours forever & faithfully, Baby Girl xoxoxoxoxoxo