I'm here in Missou taking the training for my CISM team...now after half a day I don't wanna be here. It's funny how you think you might be over something but I'm not....I'm not even close. If I don't have to ever think of you & have no reminders then I'm fine. But something like this....it makes me think of you ALL day & all of the sudden I can't talk about you cuz I will cry. I don't know how sometimes I can talk about you but other times I can't. I am not even close to being over you. I don't know who I was fooling. But you know what I'm fine with not being over you. I NEVER wanna be over you .... NEVER! I always want to think about you. I never want you to be part of my past or a memory. I want to keep you close to me & my heart....I always want you near me, no matter what it takes. If it takes sadness, hurt & pain - I want it! I will take anything to keep you right here. The problem is I'm too busy with other things and I focus my thoughts and energy on other things. I love being alone. I love being laid off from work. I love having nothing to do because than I can focus on you...I miss that....I miss you! I like to stay home and write on your blog. Finding poetry and pictures that symbolize what I feel about you. I would focus the rest of my life on you ... I will. I can't wait to get my house finished so it can just be me & you there hon. It will be ours honey...all ours. I love and miss you so much...I would give absolutely anything to be with you again...I'm so serious about that ... ANYTHING...I would give up my job, my house, all my belongings, all my friends...everything...I would give my life to be with you again...nothing is keeping me here...all my life is now is sands in an hourglass. I'm just waiting for them to be done, so I can die and be with you FOREVER!! I can't wait to see your face again honey. All I wish for every night before I go to bed is just one more hug from you. Just one more kiss from you. I would give anything to get any of that back!! You know honey. I am not okay. I am not doing good. I get by and I try to have the best attitude that I can to keep going on. But why? THere is nothing on this earth that makes me want to stay. The lure of seeing you again weighs heavy on my mind. I guess I just go through the motions of living life...I work, I earn money, I build a house, I pay bills, I have friends, I enjoy my family BUT it is all so empty without YOU! You were supposed to be here to share everything with...you were the one & I lost you. Now you are gone & I have no one...it's just me. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anybody...not my worst enemy. I look at where I am now & I blame it all on your absence, if you were here I would not be where I am right now...I feel like my life would have been perfect if you were here. It was perfect while you were here...Anything that goes wrong I know would have never happened if you were here...I just wish it would end, I wish you were here, I wish I had you in my life. I wish I didn't feel so empty inside. A part of me is gone forever. It can never come back, it can never be replaced....I don't know what to do. All I want is to fast forward until I'm old and retired. I just want to stay home all day & be with you. When I'm alone I'm with you....I don't like being around other ppl all the time...it takes away from time I could be thinking about you - time I could "be" with you. This life is not how it was intended to be, I'm sure, but it's where I am...what do I do...I don't want ppl. I really don't, I feel like I need to get away. I wish I could just pack it all up and move away, move to Green Valley, AZ and just live alone...maybe work part time at a library & just exist. Just me & my memories of you...as long as I can write or talk to you everyday I will make it. Guess what the favorite part of my day is? When I get to go to bed, grab K-Bear, give him a kiss, tell him I miss you so much & hold his wings so he ("you") won't fly away and leave me...I need to sleep with K-Bear ... he is "you" and he protects me. I need him! The worst part of my day is waking up and having to put him down, get out of bed and spend the day "away" from you. Big sigh...life means nothing anymore, it's all so meaningless. Without you life is nothing. I guess I'll just keep on going because what else is there to do? Honey, I love you & I miss you more than anything in the whole world. Please be with me as I try to build this house for us...please NEVER leave me. Please. I would die if I ever lost our memories or lost the feeling that you weren't next to me...PLEASE don't let that feeling leave me. I NEED you honey...I need to feel you out there somewhere, I need to feel you next to me. I like when I think about you I get goosebumps cuz I know you are right there. I love you more than the whole world honey. I miss you!! Love you honey - your Babygirl forever!! :)
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