Wrong Turn

So I've been thinking a lot lately about where I am now all because you are gone. I've come to the conclusion that when someone close dies ... a parent, sibling, spouse .... you are FOREVER left with the thoughts, "where would I be now if you were still alive" "i wouldn't even be here now if you were alive" "this would've never happened if you were alive" .... to name a few. Everything comes back to if you were here or this shouldn't really be happening....this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Maybe I'm not making sense honey. OK, so this would be the easiest way to explain it. It's like there's two roads to get to the destination. I feel like I have taken a wrong turn and I know I'm still going to end up in heaven/purgatory ... I'll still get there, BUT I'm just taking the wrong way. So I ALWAYS think about where I SHOULD be. (yeah, that's it!! - good explanation) I ALWAYS feel like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be ... I always feel out of place. It's like you are SUPPOSED to be here, you were NEVER supposed to leave me. I always just feel misplaced ... where am I? what am I doing here? Ugh, NOTHING FEELS RIGHT NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE!! So I think about this A LOT and I KNOW that this will never go away. I know for the rest of my life I will always wonder. I will always know I'm on the path, just not the right one .... just not the one WITH you ... I'm on the one that leads to you. Yeah, life sucks...I wish I didn't feel so wrong about being apart from you & so wrong for just living. It just really feels I shouldn't be here without you. So on that note honey, I MISS YOU (obviously), I wish dreams came true and you could come back and we could be together.
Oh, and on a side note....gosh, I look at some guys every now and then (only ones that look somewhat like you) and I think I should be brave and smile at them or I think for a second I want to be with them. BUT what the hell, it's only cuz I'm lonely (for you only) and I want to recreate what we had. I always look at these guys that look like you and envision us being together and for some dumb reason I think these people can give it to me and for one brief second, I want to be with them so they can give me a little piece of you again. Stupid I know...I mean at least I know better. I know I miss you and I don't want anyone to fill this void ... only you can do that, so I snap back to reality and tell myself "they are not YOU!!!!" (big sigh) God, I miss you. (sad) Anyway, the life of a widow. It's just great huh. Why did it have to be this way? OK hon, gonna call it a night .... love you so, so much. And hey, I found this cool pix on the net .. how ya like it. I thought it was cool and of course it made me think of YOU!! Love you beautiful. One love <3>