Basketball

Well, it's official it seems, I'm back into basketball. Our first scrimmage was tonight as you know. I won't bore you with the details ... I know you're there. Makes me sad to drive home along the freeway in the dark w/ the big city lights and it's not supposed to be like this...I'm not supposed to be alone. You're supposed to be here with me and share this with me. Even now I enjoy this, but as with everything, it never seems right or like it used to be if you're not here to share it with. I almost feel guilty to enjoy something ... ok, not that. I do enjoy it but I ALWAYS think of you and what you think - how would this be if you were here. Would you be in the stands? Would I even be at this college? Would you be happy for me? Are you happy for me now? Are you proud of me? Should I be doing something different? Do you want me here? If you were still in my life, would I even be here? How would my life be different if you were still here? I think of you during the games - it's hard to focus...sometimes where I am in my life does NOT feel right & I have this feeling that it will never feel right anymore ... ever again. Love is tainted now. With everything. I can't commit my heart 100% to anything. Loss is my biggest fear now. I know the pain of losing the one thing that means the most to me. I've lost basketball once before, I lost you and it feels impossible to wrap my life up in anything anymore. Nothing is real...I know it can be gone in a blink of an eye. Everything is like that. I don't know the answer. I know I love basketball - more that I love the girls that play this game and love this game - they are kids that need guidance. They are young and I like to help. They will leave too - nothing is forever. Our lives are fragile, this won't be forever, somehow I will lose this too. I know that. Kdub, I just don't want to hurt anymore. I just don't want to cry, I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to miss you so much. Why would God do this to me. Why couldn't he leave you here with me, so we could build a house together, so I could coach and come home and be so excited and tell you all about the girls & how well we're doing. Why couldn't we save ------? I wonder why God would make it like this. I'm so young. Am I supposed to go through so much pain so early in my life. NO ONE else I know my age or older has been through anything like this before. No one could even begin to comprehend what I've endured. I will never say anything to anybody about how hard it's been or how much I still miss you. I will smile and pretend like everything is okay now and I'm moving on with my life. I want NO sympathy, I want NO attention because of this. I want to struggle to overcome and achieve. I want to die & have people say, "she kept going even when it seemed most people would quit" I want so bad to build our house to completion, I pray God will intervene and help to make this happen. I CAN'T do this alone. I CAN'T afford this whole house. I don't know how I will do this without you, but I will try and pray and hope that it's in God's will for me to finish this. I want so bad to do this for YOU. I can do this honey...I swear to God I WILL cry when/if this gets done because I know you will have been through this with me, looking over my shoulder the whole time. I feel you honey. Not all the time, but I know you are there sometimes. I wish I felt it more. Actually I just wish, just once, that I could hug you. That I could feel one of your hugs ONE more time. I KNOW everything is alright when you hug me. I know you will protect me from everything in this world. I was safe with you. I had security when we were together. I have nothing now but my faith in the Lord...and even that is shaky. Because I know that His Will will be done - whether it's what I want or not. So I have faith in our Lord, but my house may fall apart two days from completion because it's in his will...that is why I say it is shaky. I believe so much in him, but I also believe that just because I have faith doesn't mean good things will happen to me. That is what scares me. Life without you scares me. Life without you feels SO wrong. I always feel like "what am I doing here?" .... always. Nothing feels right now that you're gone. Tonight both Terry B. & David expressed their sympathy about you & us & all that. Terry's eyes even started welling up with tears...he cares so much about me and it makes me want to cry because I can't believe that someone would care that much about me and what I went through...it seems foreign to me. Why do people care so much? It really impresses me that both David and Terry had the guts to even say anything ... I've known people my whole life who said NOTHING about you dying and here these two people who I have crossed paths with take the time to actually express that they care. Why do they do that & people who I thought for sure would say something ... never did? Life is weird like that huh honey? Yeah, it's neat that people care so much about me....I wish I could pay them back some way: help them in some way. I pray that God will give me the opportunity to help them somehow, someway, someday. I am very lucky and I have a lot to be thankful for - I suppose that is why it's so ignorant or wrong of me to dare display any "WHY????" to God - he has blessed me with so much. How dare I question him for taking one small slice of my life from me. Three years of my life. Even if I felt they were the best three years and even if I felt you were the key to my happiness for all eternity. Life is strange & I have no clue. What more can I say tonight honey? I miss you horribly and I want to cry for you & us so bad, but I can't. I don't know why. You seem unreal now ... I TRY to recreate memories and they are so foggy. I remember things, but it seems like it was so long ago. That makes me want to cry right now, because I don't want to feel so far away from you. I NEED you honey....I NEED to be with you. I know it might be awhile, but I'm willing to wait. I know the BEST when I've had it or seen it. That was you and no one will EVER compare! There is no doubt in my mind. Thanks for picking me and loving me with every ounce of your love and ALL your heart...you showed me what true love is & I'll NEVER forget that!! Hon - I love you. So, so much. I miss you and I really can't wait to see your smiling face again and hear that hardy laugh! You're the ONE honey. ONE <3 KDUB ... Your Babygirl 4eva!!

Jackson Browne - These Days
Well I've been out walking,
I don't do that much talking
These days, These days.

These days I seem to think a lot
about the things that I forgot to do,
for you.
And all the times I had the chance to.

And I had a lover,
but it's so hard to risk another,
These days, these days.

Now if I seem to be afraid
to live the life that I have made
in song.
Well it's just that I've been losing
for so long.

Well I'll keep on moving (moving on)
Things are bound to be improving
These days, One of these days.