Wish It Was Different

Hey beautiful. I tried calling ----- tonight. I talked to ____ twice, but no luck with ------. She has her own phone now, but didn't answer, so I left her a message. I really hope I can talk to her. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could see her more. I want to spend more time with her. I hope she's doing okay - it's so hard to tell by talking to her ... only by seeing her do I really know. She always seems to be so happy around me & it's all better for just a little bit. We both love you so much! Not to mention we always bring you up when were together. I can only talk about you "normal" with her (or your mom). ----- isn't afraid to ask questions about where you are. I love talking to her about you BUT it makes me so sad & I try SO hard not to get teary eyed. I must be strong for ------'s sake cuz I've noticed she'll stop talking about you if she sees it makes me sad. I always know after I get off the phone with her or drive away from seeing her I break down. It's so hard to see or talk to -----, probably not a lot of people would understand the emotions that go with seeing someone who symbolizes you. With you came ----- - you were two peas in a pod. Not one without the other....whenever I'm with her the void is huge. You are SUPPOSED to be with us ... it was never meant for us to be alone. It's a really hard pill to swallow. So I want to apologize for being a chickenshit now & not making ----- more of a priority ... what am I thinking. It hurts so I avoid it....I try honey. I do, it just never feels like I try hard enough. Or I'm never good enough. How can I save -----? I'm here for her always...I hope she knows that. I tell her that. I email her, I myspace her, I call her, but I haven't seen her enough recently. I'm not proud of that. I need to fix that. Someday I'll have a good house where she can stay. I'll have some extra money, so I can afford to drive a million miles to get her and take her home (Lord knows her mom won't !!) I'll have a better car ... blah, blah, blah. Excuses huh? I suck. I'm sorry. I will get that house and she will have her own room. She will be so happy. I promise she will be the first invited person to spend the night. That WILL make me cry cuz YOU were SUPPOSED to be in our first house with us. I don't even want to think about this now cuz I'm ready to cry now. I wish it was ALL different. I'm sad now, sorry honey. I gotta run. I LOVE YOU!!! Your honey bunny forever. ONE.