I Just Miss You So Much

Honey, I really miss you a lot. I really struggled this Christmas, I thought about you endlessly and how I just wanted you next to me so bad. I really have been thinking of you non-stop. This whole world seems turned upside down when you aren't here. I miss having you to come home to. I miss looking forward to your phone call. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your big hugs. I miss your soft kisses. I miss your laugh. I miss cuddling with you. I miss watching movies and TV with you. I miss sending little love emails back and forth. I miss leaving you messages on your phone. I miss the messages you used to leave for me. I miss walking around with you holding your hand. I miss your whiskers. I miss lying next to you. I miss all of us .. ---, ---- ... going to the store, going to the video place ... going anywhere. I miss staying with you while you were at work. I miss waking up to you. I cry still a lot honey because I miss so many things. And every person or couple I see that makes me think of love, also makes me wonder if they're as good as you. I look at all couples and I know that he doesn't treat her as well as you treated me and I look at all couples and I always think that they don't treat each other with enough respect. I look at all couples and I don't see or feel the love emanating from them like it did us. I look how couples interact and they're never as sweet or loving as we were. All this does is reinforce that no one in this whole world will EVER compare to you or be as good as you. Sometimes I want that loving feeling again, but two things stop me. ... guilt and just knowing that there is NO ONE out there as good as you. I really do believe that & sometimes I cry because I see the handwriting on the wall...you were it and I will always be alone. I will be single until I die. Sometimes I'm OK with that because I had the best thing ever at one time and I'm soooo lucky just for that, but then I get sad because I miss that so much and I would have loved to have lived a lifetime with you. I would have loved to grow old with you. Remember when we watched Notebook and both cried and held each other because we both loved each other so much & then we laughed and promised each other we would be that old couple - still madly in love. Sometimes it is overwhelmingly sad that I will never see you again as long as I'm alive and really that's all I want....I just want the chance to be with you again. I want to hurry and be old and get to heaven/purgatory and see you. So often I think of you throughout the day and SO many things make me think of you & right then and there I want to write you or talk to you or call you. Instead I keep this all in & no one knows how much I still love you so and I feel like my life does revolve around you still. This is just the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I sometimes don't know how to handle it. I never want to use this as an excuse for anything & I certainly don't want people to know how much it really effects me still. I don't want pity or "she's still not over it!" I don't want any of that!! I wish everyone knew how hard it was to lose the love of your life and how hard it is to move on and try to live normal again. Seriously, how can I live "normal" again. I want love again, but how? How can I love again, when I compare everyone to you....and they always lose. How can that be normal? Most people just be with someone w/ no strings attached. Not me, I have this baggage now & I don't see how I'll ever be "normal" again. I don't see how people go on & be honest with themselves. Even people in forums that have lost their wife/husband/lover say that person is always with them ... and a lot of them say the next one isn't as good, but they're ok and they just want love. I can't live a lie like that! Ugh, shut up. I feel so guilty writing you about finding someone else when really all I want is you. That's it...just you. I would trade everything in my whole life to be with you again....without a doubt. I have absolutely nothing that means more to me than you. And nothing in this world ever would. If I was getting my degree in Theology and playing in the WNBA, I would still give all that up for you. It makes me sad, but sad in the inside. There is nothing I can do about it & I don't want it to effect my life or personality, so I wake up everyday and it's a new day but everyday I wake up and I dread another FULL day without you. That is the honest to Gods truth. Everyday I wake up already sad..It's not cool and I don't like it, but I don't see how to make it go away. The sadness is just there, it's almost like every time I close my eyes maybe I'll wake up and this will all be a dream. But ya know what, every morning I wake up and I'm still stuck in this life miserable without you. You were my everything. You were my support blanket, you were my love, you were my caring, you were the person who provided every thing I needed to make me smile, to make me be happy, to make me have confidence, you loved me soooo much and believed in me sooo much and you thought I was beautiful and you told me and showed me all the time. I miss that. I mostly still feel those things, but coming from you it meant so much. Now I feel like just a blah person putting in time. No one to come home to & talk about my day, no one to come home to & get a hug, no one for me to give all my love..cuz I have so much. Honey, I loved you more than I've ever loved anything in this whole world. I swear to God I gave you all of my heart & I feel almost certain that because of that, part of it is just gone now. It's gone with you. I know you took it. So I guess that's about it. I just feel so broken and empty without you. Life just isn't the same and it's not getting better & I thought it would with time. I don't know what to do...this waking up and pushing through everyday is getting old. Oh well, I guess if this is the price I have to pay to see you again, I will suffer 'til I die. I love you forever hon!!!!!!!