Life Without You

I just wanted to write you a little something, I'm not sure even what to say. It's just a numb feeling without you. Every single day, all throughout the day at random times I think of you. So much reminds me of you. Usually if I'm just by myself and it's quiet, you will always pop into my head. If I'm listening to the radio, half the songs remind me of you. Things I see remind me of you. I've noticed I'm hating couples more & more. Every time I glance at an affectionate couple I get a pit in my stomach, all I want is you back and all I want is that to be us. Why do I have to be an outsider looking in? I know I will never get to feel that again in this lifetime. I hate how much I miss you sometimes. I don't know how to react to the emotions that I have surrounding you. I feel so helpless, like there is NO outlet. I mean, what do I do? What's the point of crying that doesn't fix anything or solve any problems. Sometimes it's a hate or anger inside of me and I want to smash something when I see something that reminds me of you or us ... and all I want is for you to be there and you can't & you never will be, so I get mad ... and what do I do with that emotion? I want to scream and hit and hit and hit and hit .... so what will that do? Nothing. NOTHING I do will bring you back. ... NOTHING. How helpless is that? That is all I feel when I think of you now. I know there is nothing I can do and I'm stuck with these feelings and there is no way to make them go away. I will NEVER stop thinking of you ... not by choice, but because so much shit out there reminds me of you & of us. It's everywhere I turn. I seriously can't go an hour without something making me think of you. So what do I do? I don't want to stop having memories of you .... I love you. But I hate the feelings of helplessness I get, I hate the pit in my stomach, I hate that I want to hate/hurt/smash something because I can't control it or do anything about it. I don't know honey, why did it have to be like this? I know God has a plan and maybe the end is something I could never imagine ... I don't know. But it could be nothing too. Either way, I just can't see how anything in my future could be better than what we had. I just can't fathom that. There is NO way there is someone out there better than you. Fuck. I feel so fucked. I have this life with almost everything I want or need and I feel so empty and hollow. I feel like YOU are missing. I try not to think about that & I swear to God I think I do a good job of moving forward, especially for the amount of pain I was in & still experience in regards to you. If my physical actions reflected the amount of pain I had inside I would have crumbled. I'd still be in bed. But I do it, I get up everyday with the first thought being YOU. I go to bed at night with my last thought being YOU. I understand that if this is Gods plan than I will live it out, no matter how much this hurts or how much I miss you. I can do this. I can only do this with Gods help, otherwise, I would stumble and fall. I would never get up and I'm only up now by the grace of God. God is good and I owe it all to Him. Anyway, honey, I just wanted you to know that you have been weighing heavy on my mind lately. Maybe it's because it is your birthday, your moms birthday and ----s bday. And next month will be three years since you've been gone. Some day we will be together again. So until we get there I'll keep you always in my heart, you are my soul mate and my true ONE & ONLY. ONE LOVE <3 Babygirl