4 Year Angelversary

So it's actually a couple days past your 4 year Angelversary, but on the day I just couldn't find the words. I was in a bad mood all day, I didn't want to talk to anyone & I didn't. At least not until later that night when after I worked out I felt better. And the only reason I worked out was for YOU. I did that (hard ass) workout just in your memory. I'm really at a loss for words which is so funny don't you think? How I used to write you all day, every day about everything & now I stumble with what to say to you. I guess what haven't I said. I'd be rich for every time I said I loved you ... or I missed you ... or I'd give anything to have you back or for a hug, etc. etc. I could type all that over and over again. I want to tell you how much I think about you everyday & how life isn't the same without you & how I wonder everyday where we'd be or how our lives would be if you were still here. I look at what I have now & in no way would I have this, which don't get me wrong, I'd prefer. I swear to God on the Bible I would trade EVERYTHING I have just to be with you again. It's so hard to appreciate what I have ... well, I do, I really do, but I guess I mean thoroughly enjoy the "fruits of my labor" when it all seems so empty to not share it with you. I think this is great what I accomplished, but it's not like I'm surprised, I can do & have whatever I set my mind to, I know that, so I accomplished one more thing I set out to do. It seems to be a bigger deal to everyone else. To me, it's just something else I've done. And really it's just so hard to 100% enjoy this if you're not here. I miss you so much honey. Some days it's a dull ache & I know you're there and I think about it briefly & some days all it takes is one memory or one glance at a picture and I want to break down and cry because you should be here!!! So I guess how far have I come in four years. Well, sometimes I think I want to fall in love again or have someone love me, but then I really think about someone else hugging me or me loving someone like I loved you and two things: it gives me the heebie jeebies & it doesn't seem possible. And what I mean by that is it doesn't seem possible that there is someone out there as good as you ... not even close. Seems like a waste to even think about being with someone else again ... grosses me out & seems like a waste of time. No one compares to you. But I guess my point is I think about it. Ha. I guess I feel like at this point in my "recovery" I don't have a dark cloud hanging over me dictating my life as I did before. I feel like now I can truly laugh about something or put my heart into something and really enjoy myself ... I'm not trying so hard to be happy, it's just somewhat natural now. In the past, I tried so hard to do things that I thought would make me happy & maybe it would for a split second, but deep down I was in so much pain and the happiness was superficial. I guess I feel like my happiness is more real now. Maybe not 24-7, but it is there in spurts. Maybe most of the hours of a day, but I don't think I can say I've gone days on end with 100% happiness, something always brings me back to you. Hah - Miss You by Candlebox is on the radio now. Speaking of that, I can't help but notice that there is a whole year of no posts here. Honey, I swear to God I wrote you during that time, maybe not a lot, a few times a month maybe BUT I did write you. I usually save them on your email account and add them to this blog when I get time and when I went to add them tonight, there was like 4???? Makes me kind of upset, I wonder where they went? So maybe I'll find them and add them later. I hope I can find them, but anyway my point was I saw Candlebox in concert last spring .. maybe I wrote about it and posted it BUT honey I wanted to cry so bad when they played this song. It so reminds me of you. OK, so four years later, what else has changed? I don't know, I guess I'm just better at coping, so I shove it all in & keep on chugging. I guess I was sick & tired of being "sick & tired", I could easily still have this define me & just stay at home & light you candles all the time and spend hours creating your website & writing you letters. And I do think about you & I want to write you all the time, but I'm usually not around a computer or the moment passes, but anyway, those thoughts are still there, it's just that I don't let it dictate my actions. In the past, everything centered around you. All my decisions. Now I really try to push you in & make decisions that I think are for my own good - maybe not what feels the best - but what I need. Like being on a shot crew ... honey, that's going to kill me, but I thought I needed a desk job to escape you & memories .. and I thought I needed to get out of fire for those same reasons, but I come to realize fire is in my core I guess, I missed it. It's what I enjoy & the memories with fire really bothered me & I let that affect the decisions I made in my life & that wasn't right. So now I'm going back to my gut instinct and feelings & I'm letting God guide the way, this is what felt right even though I know it will challenge me and kill me in the process haha ... these are the challenges that define me & make me who I am and make me feel fulfilled and happy. That is what I need in life ... not to run from you, but go with the flow & know you will always be there and it is my job to cope with these feelings and face them head on & become stronger. But I don't know honey, I don't know if you ever become stronger. Like I said, I think you learn to cope better as time goes on but strong?? I don't feel strong at all. I feel so weak to my emotions, they are in control. I shove em in, but I'm so emotional at the little things that involve love, loss & feel good stories of overcoming. I transfer my feelings to their situation & I get emotional. I guess they say that happens, but really I liked it better when I was numb to all that stuff and I never cried over movies or sad stories or someone dying...all that stuff. I do know that I can't even watch any romance scenes on TV or in movies, I always look away. It makes me sick to see people being affectionate, I guess because it's something I treasured so much with us, you were sooo caring & kind towards me. So romantic & to see that in others really hits me hard, it really makes me want to cry because that is one of the things I miss about you so much & it's not like you can fill that void with anything. I don't know if it's sad because I've lost it and I miss it or because I know I won't ever experience that again? Maybe both. I don't know honey, some days I feel ok ... I guess not a good way to say it cause you dying will never be okay, but I guess I feel okay like I got a good life and I can be happy sometimes (most of the time?? now) But some days I want to be gone from this earth more than anything & just be in your arms one more time & this time forever and I NEVER want you to let me go. I think what helps me most is my faith, as time has passed I seem to have more faith that you are still here...I mean Heaven (or Purgatory), I know you are there & we will be together again someday and that time will be FOREVER, so I know that my time on earth here is just temporary & it's only time before we're together again. I know this is just a small sliver in our lives and it will pass quickly, so I've somewhat come to the realization to just be happy & do all I can that is fun while I'm here because it will pass quickly. I'll be with you soon enough & I won't want to look back on my time on earth and think I wasted it. I look at it as we are just on a long vacation apart...so anyway, it's been four years and I guess those are the main changes I can think of. Look, I say I have nothing to say and I write a book. I guess it's just what pops into my head at the time. And one thing I have to bring up is Dave & his son Tyler. I wrote you earlier about Tyler and to please let him be okay. Oh honey, they found him dead & believe it or not it was on your angelversary & ya know what...I knew it. I knew that was going to happen. When I heard he was missing & no one could find him, I immediately thought, they will find him on your angelversary. I don't know why I thought that & was so sure about it, but I thought it no doubt. Unbelievable that's the day he was found. Of course I'll spare the details because you know. Please wrap your angel wings around him & show him the ropes. And honey, I think what bothers me most is not my own sadness surrounding your angelversary, but my heart is aching for Dave & his wife. Why? I think why do they take the good ones so early? Why does this have to happen to Dave? He is sooo nice & out of all those people in that office, he was the one I respected the most. As you can see it truly makes me cry to know that Dave is going through the same emotions that I went through and now he has a lifetime ahead of him of having a hole or a void that will never be filled. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and here it happened to one of my best/favorite friends. This is the stuff that makes me cry. I can't imagine someone as kind as Dave going through this pain, it honest to God hurts me so bad, like I was right back 4 years ago - going through the exact same feelings. It's so intense. I feel like the intense pain & hopelessness that I felt years ago has been taken from me & placed on Dave. It's not fair!!! It's not fair honey! Why? I don't want Dave to feel a sliver of what I went through & here he is, his whole world turned upside down & now a lifetime of nothing ever being the same. Why does God do this to good people? That's the part I don't get? I guess I kind of get it, but that doesn't mean I have to accept it or like it. It is just not right!! So honey on your 4th Angelversary I more pray for Dave and his family than me. I can survive, but Dave needs all the strength God can give him. I pray that he has a deep faith, knowing it's the only thing that got me through. So if at all possible please, please be Dave's strength and understanding and take good care of Tyler for him. And I love you so much because you are the kindest man I ever met & I'm proud you chose me. I'm so lucky, thank you for our short time honey & until we meet again you will always be in my heart. I love you forever my Kdub - you are my one & only. <3