Make A Difference

 

I've been thinking a lot honey.  Now that I'm done with fire I've really been struggling with my new job & not doing anything to make a difference.  I guess I never realized before what it was that drove me to be a wildland firefighter.  I did it because I was good at it & it came naturally.  It was easy.  But now as I reflect I know I will definitely miss the physical aspect of it, but that can be replaced with grueling Sealfit exercises (which I've been doing).  But what I'm realizing I'm going to miss most is the service I was providing.  It was to no one in particular, but just knowing I was going out there & busting my ass to stop something destructive.  Stopping something that could bring harm to people or their homes or their belongings.  I was doing something that teamed up with tons of other firefighters made a difference.  We could stop fire.  I don't know, that sounds cheesy as hell & sometimes it seemed like we were doing the dumbest stuff or work that didn't make sense, but you know what?  At the end of the day I ALWAYS could put my head on my pillow & smile because I made it and felt good about myself because I contributed to the world.  I did something!  It was a very fulfilling job in more ways than one.  NOW I think about what I'm going to be doing & I STRUGGLE!!!!  Because really, who gives a fuck about the job I'm about to do.  What difference am I making?  This upcoming job to me symbolizes everything in government that I hate, doing something because some idiot who got a college degree thinks it's right because the computer models say so.  Doing something because it's what someone in the Washington office wants.  Doing something because it's what someone in the regional office wants.  Doing something because environmentalists or hippies or idiots w/ college degrees who think they know it all believe this is what we have to do to prevent wildfires or what we need to do to make our forests healthier.  And ya' know what, every few years there's a different theory on fuels prevention because it's based on nothing tangible.  Theory!!  This is not like fire, where there it is & go put it out.  At least when it's out you know you helped.  I can't think of one dumb ass fuels project I've ever done that I've looked at and said, yep this makes sense.  In the past when I've done fuels work I've always thought it was ALL dumb, but I didn't care.  You know why?  Because I was sawing & at least it was physical activity, it was outdoors and it was a great way to pass time until we got a fire.  A great way to practice your chainsaw skills.  Did I ever believe in what we were doing ... nope.  All dumb.  Or when we did prescribed burning.  Shit, they act like picking something on this slope in this area was what we needed for a "fuel break" .. give me a break.  Or they think thinning this particular area & planting it with these trees will change the face of the forest.  Why don't they just leave it alone?  But hell what did I care, we got to burn it.  So as long as I had a drip torch and I was lighting shit on fire I was happy, didn't matter what the objective was.  Tell me to let it rip to meet the objective & okay, I will.  Tell me to take it slow to meet the objective, okay I will .. whatever makes you feel good about your little fuels project.  It's all so dumb.  Oh man, 8 more years of this government bullshit and to make matters worse, working for someone who has bought into it hook, line & sinker.  But what do you expect from someone who actually believes in Obama & his policies.  Can you say retarded without a brain to think for themselves!!??  So anyway, hon, here I am less than one month away from a SHITTY summer.  I need to figure out what to do with my life.  If I choose to ride this out for 8 more yrs, which is probably what I have to do so I can get my retirement I need to find a way to make this job fulfilling.  I need to find a reason to get excited to go to work.  I need a challenge & I need to know I'm making a difference.  Maybe I do need another job.  I've thought about being Border Patrol, but I'm too old.  I would've loved to have been a soldier in the military - special forces - on the ground risking it all .. I'm not afraid to die, but I'm a girl.  Then I think about a cop, but I wonder is it worth it to jump ship when I have 8 more years left??  So then I think, what about a pine pig?  I might try to pursue that.  If I can't keep doing fire, I need to do something with some risk factor, something with some adrenaline, something that pays me to work out, something with a fear of the unknown.  So I think I'll talk to Steve when I report to work and see what it all entails.  I know he's tried to talk me into it before, but I wasn't sure I was ready.  Now I might be, I'm not sure I can handle being a desk jockey or walking around in the woods pretending I give a fuck about some fuels survey.  Really .. omg shoot me now.  So honey, I pray to God & if there's any way you can help, I pray that I'm led in the right direction and I fulfill God's will.  I just want to feel some self satisfaction with what I do with myself & I don't see fuels doing that AT ALL, so please honey, be with me & help me in my quest to become a better person.  Take me where I need to be!!!  I love you forever & wish you were here so we could just talk about this face to face.  I love you hon & know I miss you everyday.  Not a day goes by without me thinking of you.  Love you forever hon!  xoxoxoxo  1 <3 br="">