2 Month Letter

I keep trying to forget about you. I've been pushing you to the back of my mind. I don't want to think about you cuz it hurts way too much. I don't think it's working. I keep pushing you back and I swear you just wanna come bursting out. It's really been emotional thinking of you lately...like I said I haven't been letting myself. I don't know I guess I'm just too busy during the day. Trying to be strong and full functioning. Trying to keep working...trying to make some money. Just trying to make a living. What I have to do is winning over what I want to do....which is just lay here and sleep and be sad and a couch potato. Veg. So while I'm strong all day it makes for a weak evening/night. Doesn't help I'm physically tired too from burning and running a lot. Add that to emotionally tired and I'm a train wreck. So it's like when I get home at night you try to come flooding into my memories but I need to eat, I need to shower, I need to make phone calls, I need to pay bills, etc. etc. so I can't break down for that. I just always gotta keep going, I gotta keep being strong. And I want that cuz I want to keep going forward....pushing you back makes it not hurt as much. If I do think about you, it hurts way too much. It's like I don't want to feel like that at all and I don't have time. I guess I mainly hate how it makes me feel. Helpless and so lonely....so empty, like I lost it all. Hopeless. It's a lot of emotions that all hurt so deep. What good does it do to cry or think about it. you can't come back no matter how hard I wish or how much I beg, pray, or cry. You are gone forever what good does it do to think about you/us. Nothing, it just hurts. So I just want to focus on the future and someday enough time will have passed that you are a faded memory way in the past. Maybe then I can think about you/us/our good times and smile, but right now I can't. It may sound cold but if you could understand or feel the pain that I feel you would know why I'm this way. The last few days have been hard pushing you back. I don't know if it's cuz it's been 2 months and a day or because we're supposed to get married next Saturday. It's just that I can't take thinking of all of this another minute....your bills, ACN, dealing with ---- & -----, your memories, your pictures, your mom....anything at all that has anything to do with you I can do without...just for a minute...I want a break! Yesterday night I felt like crap, I cried and cried, and today I felt so short fused and tired. I just wanted to knock someone out. I had such a short temper. Work was the last place I wanted to be. Ughh. So ------- said I didn't look very good today, I could hardly keep from crying when I said I'll be ok. ------ said I looked real tired thasmornin....I just told her I was and I didn't even feel like being at work. --------- asked how I was doing, I told him I'm hangin in there. Two days ago ------- asked when we were getting married so I had to tell him about you. All these people I just felt like crying so bad and it took me a lot to keep my composure just to answer them. I've never felt like that before...usually I just speak emotionless and give people an answer. It's hard to do that now. It may be cuz I'm not allowing myself to really grieve...at least not lately. Or maybe it's cuz the shock and sur-realness of it all is finally wearing off. Maybe reality is setting in and I can't talk about it. Then to top it off while we're burning the other day 48 Uniform was all over the radio....your old ship....and all I could think of was that either "that used to be you" or "that could've still been you" or "that should be you." I had a big ol' pit in my stomach everytime I heard 48U, just like whenever I'd hear it (or any helicopter) flying over. Also I had to go up to ------- yesterday, of course I thought of you when we passed the -------- ...remember when we ate dinner there after a fire. I thought about you when we passed those cabins we stayed in along the river. I thought of you when I was in ------ and I went over to the -----, I remember us eating in there together. I thought of you when we went to ------- at lunch....remember the night we stayed there? I thought of you when we drove by the lower landing and we sat in 48U during the rainstorm. I thought of you when we went to the ----- ------ ------- and we ran across the parking lot through the rain. I thought of you when we were in the field next to the station. I thought of us having lunch together over by the fence. I thought of all the times we shared in that field talking and mostly just falling in love. I thought of us in the office when you gave me your number. I thought of you and ---- when I looked to where --- always parked his fuel truck. I thought of you as we pulled up to the stop sign into ------ from the --- road...the early morning that ---- saw me as I was leaving you in ----- and headed back to ------. I know I thought of you more, but those are the definite ones I thought of. Just thinking of you like that all day while I have to be strong makes it even harder in the evening because I want to cry for all those times throughout the day, but sometimes even in the evening it's hard to cry then. Maybe I'm too tired to even cry. Honey, I still love you so, so much. I don't know how I am making it through this (besides prayer and God). I feel very weak right now. I wish I could just collapse, give up and be done with this. It's all very tiring. I guess I'm just too numb right now....like I said earlier, what good does it all do....you're never coming back. It's hopeless. I'll continue to try to stay strong....if you can help me from above please do, I need all the help I can get. Remember me and I promise I'll remember you forever and ever. I LOVE YOU! :( and I'm so sad right now.