Memories

I don't want to see your picture...I don't want to have any memories....I don't want to think about you.....or anything we did together. All of that hurts too much. It pains me to look at your picture...it hurts A LOT to think about what our future held....it devastates me to know I will never see you face again, I'll never get a hug or kiss from you again, I'll never hear your loving voice again....so many things. They say take your memories with you, but how do people do it? I hate thinking about the past; our memories. It hurts so much, I hate it. It doesn't feel good at all to look at your picture, it doesn't feel good at all to think about what we had, what we did, our laughs, our good times. I don't get how memories make people happy. It pretty much just sucks thinking of what a great thing we had and now it is no more....ever.....no chance at all. So honey if I don't look at your picture a lot or I shut you out of my thoughts it's not because I don't love you, quite contrary, it's because I love you so much and existing without your love is a pain like no other....all I'm doing is avoiding the pain. The pain of now. Even though I can't bring myself to look back at what we had, I know it was pure love....I can live with knowing we had it all. I don't need to think back and try to remember it....I know. So for now I will live with just knowing....not dwelling and trying to relive. It was there and about that I have NO doubt. I don't know how to get past not looking or thinking about you. And I'm not even sure shutting you out is healthy, but I really can't stand it. I hope you understand even if it doesn't make sense. I love you more than anything ever in my whole life....that is the truth.