Angry

ugh i'm angry, that's the first thing i thought of when i walked in my door after work. i look at your picture everyday on the kitchen table. i couldn't even look at it. i just looked and the first thought was anger. i'm angry because you are gone and i'm still here. i'm angry because i am all by myself, alone. i'm angry because i lost the best thing that ever happened to me. i'm angry because i gotta fake that i'm cool everyday and it's all ok. i'm angry at you because you put me in this situation (even though it's not even your fault). i'm angry because i will never see or talk to you again. i'm angry because you were the one i was supposed to marry. i'm angry because you were the one i was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i'm angry because my life has changed so much....i have to try to make people happy and keep on going with your acn, i have to try to spend as much time with --- and --- as i can, i have to keep in touch with ----. i'm tired and i have so many things to do that you would normally do and i don't feel like it and it bugs me. i'm angry cuz it seems like i always gotta do something to clean up this mess - unpacking all your stuff yesterday, paying your bills, dealing with our property. ugh, i'm so tired and this huge change in my life makes me angry cuz i never asked for it and i don't want it. i'm angry at you, why did you leave me like this? damn it, you're supposed to be here. i'm crying and it hurts and you are supposed to be here to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. this hurt is from you and i'm angry that you've left me with a mess and a lot of pain. you're supposed to be something happy and joyous, not this. it's all a bunch of crap and i hate it!

I just got off of the phone with your mom and it sucks, I can deal with my pain, but to hear hers just tears me up. it's not fair, why do good people have to go through this? why? why? why? i can't stop crying after i get off the phone with your mom, it's so, so sad. i wish this never happened. i wish we didn't have to go through this. ugh, i'm sending this now. i'm tired...tired of being sad, tired of being angry, tired of crying, tired of pretending to be happy, tired from just being tired.....i'm tired of writing something you'll never hear or see. one love.