Grief

We picture death as coming to destroy; let us rather picture Christ as coming to save. We think of death as an ending; let us rather think of life as a beginning, and that more abundantly. We think of losing; let us think of gaining. We think of parting; let us think of meeting. We think of going away; let us think of arriving. And as the voice of death whispers, 'You must go from earth,' let us hear the voice of Christ saying, 'You are but coming to me.'

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN
Upon Death's bed I silently lie,
Shrouded by mists and hues of gray;
Chained within a body no longer my own,
Time ever passing, quietly I pray.
Thoughts of the present are best left behind,
Vision once clear, now clouded and blind;
For pain and discomfort are constant companions,
But with a joy filled soul and peace of mind.
Remembrances of parents and friends now long gone,
Thoughts of childhood, family and home;
Time's obstacles and barriers seem to collapse,
With winged spirit, free now to roam.
My father, mother, sister and brothers,
A childhood long past, of joy and fear;
While present has faded and reality blurred,
Days of old through a kaleidoscope appear.
No longer I dread the Angel of Death,
Nor the role I am destined to assume;
For my Heavenly Father is Lord of my life,
And blessed Jesus prepares for me a room.
Loved ones now visit with arms outstretched,
With loss and sorrow misplaced;
For the One who now comforts is no stranger to me,
And speaks tender words of love and grace.
Regrets I have for those loved and left,
For to them is sadness and sorrow;
Death be not afraid, for peace follows soon,
My reward is a brighter tomorrow.
We have loved, laughed, and faced life together,
So grieve not for me, beloved children and wife;
The One who now beckons awaits my arrival,
And freely offers, to all who will come, Eternal life.
Love knows no restrictions or boundaries,
Neither Time nor Eternity it may dim;
For our Lord and Savior is King of this Realm,
When called, we will be together again.
I have lived long and loved most richly,
Experienced great joy and great pain;
Weep not for me or my passing,
This rest I have earned, my reward I now claim.
Chilly Jordan awaits my crossing,
But alone I will not stray;
For He who has been since the beginning,
Holds my heart, my hand, and with love, lights my way.
Mourn not your loss nor regret my departure,
These vessels of clay were never designed to endure;
But to love and serve, both God and mankind,
With compassion and humility, His purpose to ensure.
I depart with tears of joy mixed with sorrow,
But alone you will never be;
For although I have loved you with all of my heart,
He who now calls, has loved you throughout eternity.
From the book, A Love Eternal, by Jerry D. Babb

Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted (Mt 5:4)

Wishing You Near
by Nick Alcantara
I have come
To realize
That time is so dear
When you are no
Longer here
I cling to memories,
Sweet bitter memories
That brings you near
If only
I can touch you again
Without bringing back the pain
Feeling your presence
That you are not really
Very far away
That would bring back
The joy and magic
Of being again
Together
I know you are
Just a whisper away.

When My Grief Was New
by Ferna Lary
Bury my head in the sand
til my heart no longer cries
for there’s no pain like the pain you feel
when a loved one dies.
Bury my heart in the ground
til the very last moment in time,
for there’s nothing left inside me to give,
no poems left in me to rhyme.
Bury my soul in the sea
till the waters turn into clay,
for there’s nothing left to hope for now
that my love has gone away.
Bury my hopes and dreams
and my laughter and smiles, too,
for there’s no one left on the face of this earth
that cares if I ever do.
Bury me last but not least
in the grave by my loved one’s side,
and let peace return to this lonesome beast
since my loved one died.

Along Grief’s Journey
I hear overhead helicopters flying
and the sound brings my soul such pain.
Yet I know in my heart that life goes on
and I must learn to live again.
Some days I stay so busy
I don’t even realize you’re gone.
Then there are all of those other days when
I feel like I can’t go on.
Sometimes I think I dreamed you…
that you never existed for real.
You’ve been gone so long and I’m just not strong
for my life has become surreal.
They tell me it’s time to let go
and build a new life without you.
But the builder is weak and I can’t even speak
and I don’t know what else to do.
How long will this pain last, Lord?
How many tears have I already cried?
It seems like forever since my world fell apart
when my loved one died.

Peace in My Soul
It was such an awesome day
and I stopped to stare up at the sky.
My heart skipped a beat as I heard you speak
when you asked the angel, “Why?”
“I wrote ‘I love you’ in the sky
as big and as plain as can be.
How can she stand down there and look up here
and still not be able to see?”
The clouds were broken and thin,
and swirled randomly through the air.
I searched and strained at all that remained
of the swirls of white still there.
The angel’s voice was soft and low
as I smiled and raised my brow,
and I heard her say in the strangest way
“She’s starting to see it now.”
There’s a bittersweet peace in my soul
and a sense of awesome pride
knowing you’re up there writing words in the air,
and our love has never died.
About the author: A poetic trilogy describing the journey through grief. Each poem is complete, describing one aspect of the journey, yet the three together combine into one poem about grief recovery.

To My Undead
by Olufisayo Gali
to my undead
those left behind by the shadows
a kiss from the grave
to wipe your subtle tears
a rose by your bed side
to comfort you at night
you are still my beloved
tears do not wash away the pain
but they soothe it
wailing does not stop the agony
but it comforts it
take heart my love
i depart from you not in vain
i wish a way to kill the sorrow
that although i live in your memory
i bring you not pain but joy
for your pain is my pain
i cannot rest while you cry
so smile a while my love
that i may see you
that death may make meaning to me
and i can once again be your bringer of joy
and not your provider of sorrow

Time Has Come
by Jackie (Micke) Jinks
These are my expressions I strongly felt while trying to pack my husband’s remaining clothes from our closet. The task has not yet been completed—even after three years. I still take comfort from them being there.
Expressions should not be limited solely to prose. Most heartfelt expressions I put to paper are best done through my poems. I honor and remember my husband with this poem.

Soulful dreams
escaping thru the heart
knowing the time has come
to rid yourself of his material things.
Memories still there
and will be forever;
life goes on as life abounds,
no worry about what future brings
There are places
where lonesome comes
yet, there is and will be forever
his face, his touch, his smell
These will not be lost
today, tomorrow or future time;
they’re yours to keep and remember,
for lonesome shall not always dwell.

The Pain Has Been So Awful
by Sarah Betzold
The pain has been so awful,
But it's been well worth it.
It's taught me so many things,
And now I know, I can't quit.
Back when my husband died,
All I ever wanted was to die.
I would lie in my bed for hours,
And do nothing but cry.
Many years later,
I have finally moved on.
I'm looking back now,
And happy that he's gone.
No, not happy that my husband died,
Happy from what I've learned.
His death has taught many things,
It's taught me to be concerned.
It's taught me to care for people,
And taught me to be happy.
To live life to the fullest,
To make him proud of me.
His death's showed me many things,
Including right from wrong.
Careful not to hurt anyone,
They might not be here long.
No drugs or alcohol here,
I've learned just what they do.
They hurt your precious body,
And rob your life from you.
I've been taught life is short,
So make sure and have a blast.
Live every day to the fullest,
As if it were your last.
I've been taught so much,
Most importantly, I'm strong.
I've learned that I can handle…
Anything that's going on.
If I made it through his death,
I can make it through anything.
No, I can't do this alone,
Just with God my king.
I look back and realize,
That I never would've made it.
Had God not been right by me,
I would've said, “Just screw it”
Everything I've been through,
Has always taught me a lesson.
I know that God was only helping,
Wanting to help me have fun.
Helping me turn to him,
To forgive me of all my sins.
Helping me trust in him,
To take away my pains.
Your death has taught me lots,
Including to be happy,
To do everything I do,
To make you proud of me.

Safe Harbor
by Jennifer Hickok
The storm has been raging for so long now
Pouring rain, crashing thunder, howling wind
Beating down on this lonely ship
Searching for a place to call home
There was a time; it seems so long ago
The sun shone brightly in the clear blue sky
Looking up from the bow into forever
A gentle breeze, cotton candy clouds
But the storm slowly moved in
A few scattered showers and thunderstorms
Days of downpour, flashes of lightning
With shelter so hard to find
Rainbows still shone, beacons of hope
In the unlikeliest places
Vibrant against a backdrop of gray
A glimpse at the best of times
As the years passed by
The storms changed, getting worse
Getting better, and fading away
But they’d left their mark
A vessel is forever changed
When touched that way
And although you can rebuild
The damage has been done
Horrible storms had been forecast
For the not so distant future
But they wouldn’t hit this ship
Not again, no more damage would be done
The ship will be protected now
Lost no more, tossed about no longer
Safe in a harbor to forever call home

Pain, Pain…Go Away
by Linda Davis
Here it comes again…
I can only escape it for a while.
How am I to go on without them here beside me?
Pain, pain…Go away. Come again another day.
When I am feeling stronger
Here it comes again…
The searing in my heart and soul.
How can I face another day when I don’t know where they are?
Pain, pain…go away. Come again another day
When I have grown wiser.
Here it comes again…
The sun is rising on its own.
How can this be when my world has crumbled all around me?
Pain, pain…go away. Come again another day.
When I can feel warmer.
Here it comes again…
I feel the raindrops on my head.
Hear all the sounds of life, though my own is silent without them.
Pain, pain…Go away. Come again another day.
When I am less faltering.
Here it comes again…
But wait! What’s this?
Somehow the years have flown and I don’t know how this happened?
Pain, pain…Go away. Come again another day.
When I am more courageous.
Yes. Here it comes again…
But this time, not so bad.
Have I found relief, when I thought none was possible?
Pain, pain…Go away. Come again another day
When I have become older.
Yes. Come again when I am older
When time has made me feel it less.
When the sun warms me again and I can see all the way to heaven.
Pain, pain. Go away. Come again another day.
When I am no longer hindered.
Come again when my time is through.
And I can see for myself
God’s home and his angels shining brightly to welcome me there.
Pain, pain. Go away. Come again another day…

The Day…
by Sarah Betzold
The day my husband passed away
How much I miss him is unfathomable
This is becoming harder and harder to handle
How much better my life could be
If he were still here with me
This gets harder and harder every year
If only he were still here
If only he’d be here to share my popcorn
But instead my heart has been torn
All that’s left of him are his ashes
The ones that bring back memory flashes
On top of my piano they will lay
And his soul is in heaven to stay
He’s up there watching over me
Happy with me…he must be
I’ve made it a long way
And I’m doing okay
I’m not gonna give in and curl
I’m gonna be strong cuz I’m ------’s baby girl

New Day
by Chi-Chi Phiona Osai
I cannot feel the pain you bear,
Nor the emptiness that comes with losing someone dear,
I do not know how many times you have wept,
How many dreamless nights you have slept,
I see, though, that you are in mourning,
Of a cherished soul that left before the day’s dawning,
My dear heart, I weep too,
In my prayers, I place you.
He hasn’t fully passed away,
Believe me, he’s with you everyday,
As long as he’s your treasured stone,
His love will comfort you when in pain you groan,
He takes every step you take,
Though his reflection may not appear on the face of a lake,
Like true soul mates you are,
He’ll be your guiding star.
Don’t you worry, he didn’t sleep alone,
The angels were there to guard their own,
That is why you should smile,
With your fate, you should reconcile,
Maybe his departure is a sign,
Maybe he is your passing angel, your future vine,
Bleed no more, you will be blessed,
You will be seen through this difficult test.

My K-Dub
I met him several years ago
The first love I ever knew
A bond was formed right there and then
Our love was new and true
He taught me how to love
He taught me how to pray
But best of all he taught me how
To love him every day
His face is warm and gentle
His eyes are sad and true
His heart is full of kindness
The kindest man I ever knew
He has his little sayings
That will make you laugh and smile
He picks you up when you are down
And makes troubles fade a while
He helped me when I needed him
When the whole world turned away
He gave me strength to face the world
And fight another day
I love him now as ever
I love him deep and true
He makes me feel so special
He makes every day feel new
He’s leaving soon it’s hard to face
Gets harder every day
I need him now it hurts so much
I beg God to let him stay
He’s strong and brave
He’s wise and calm
No better man could fall
He shows us how to keep our faith
An inspiration to us all
If you meet him you will love him
If you know him you are blessed
If he loves you, you are honored
Cause you’re loved by the very best

Listen to the Whispers of the Mourning
by Michele
Reach up to the heavens with arms open wide
Take hold of its beauty, breathe it inside
Take in its majesty, memorize its grand views
Engulf its bright lights and magnificent hues
Look above the aged trees that touch the sky
And listen to the whispers of the mourning cry
Listen through the whirring breezes and you can hear the names
Sobbing with great heartache, crying out with such pains
Names of all loved ones with silent prayers unsaid
Echoing with profoundness inside my head
And now the sun burns in my ears your sweet voice
Saying don't thirst for what once was, this is the Lord's choice
Now I know there's beauty below, but up here there's no compare
There's no pain, no heartache, there's no despair
You can lay your head upon the angel's knee
And know no pain, just filled with such glee
I know you miss me, I miss you too
But I'm sending an angel to watch over you
The angel will let you know I'm always near
To ease your heartache and wipe your tears
And the next time you reach up to the heavens above
You'll feel the kiss of all my love
So please don't let the grief consume your soul
And remember through God, you too can be whole
And when you think you can no longer stand
I'm up here in heaven with God, waiting to take hold of your hand
So listen beyond the whispers of the mourning and you'll see
I'm with the Lord our God
I'm finally free.

Letter to Me
Baby Girl, please don’t feel guilty
It was just my time to go.
I see you are still feeling sad,
And the tears just seem to flow.
We all come to earth for our lifetime,
And for some it’s not many years
I don’t want you to keep crying
You are shedding so many tears.
I haven’t really left you
Even though it may seem so.
I have just gone to my heavenly home,
And I’m closer to you than you know.
Just believe that when you say my name
I’m standing next to you,
I know you long to see me,
But there’s nothing I can do.
But I’ll still send you messages
And hope you understand,
That when your time comes too,”
I’ll be there to take your hand.

Joyful Sorrow
by Olufisayo Gali
those that used to bring us joy
are now the source of our sorrow
those that used to make us laugh
now dare to bring tears to our eyes
those that couldn’t wait to see us
now refuse us into their presence
is death such a controller of minds
that it would turn us so
that those who once were our angels
become those that would torment us
it takes the soul
but it is not enough
so it brings us sorrow as well
but never shall it kill our beloved memories
those shall live inside us
till the end of eternity
they become our comforters

Into the Heavens
by Michele
I'm standing on the mountain tops
Looking through the horizons of night's earth
Such heights and depths of heartaches
Scream out for understanding and compassion
Wanting to surrender into the impenetrable darkness
Praying for visions and dreams to speak to me
And guide my tormented soul
Feeling alone to struggle with the sufferings of the flesh
I feel natural human emotions, sympathies and need for understanding
Yearning to be embraced by them all
I look up to the heavens with outstretched arms
And see the shadows of reality
There is no darkness—only light
The light that reflects off the castles made of gold in heaven.
I feel the simple unconditional devotion that draws me near
The heavens of pure and utter beauty
I am compelled by the power of His holiness
And surrender to the love of God
As the spirit bears witness unto my soul
The promise that we will be together again.

How Could You Do This?
by Michelle Cohen
I think back to that dreaded flight
I wonder how could
You make such a deadly mistake.
Do you know what you stole
From our Family?
A Man that had not reached
His full potential.
You stole a man
That was Loved by All.
You broke the Hearts
Of all who knew him.
You took an innocent Man
And stole him from
His parents, sisters, aunts, uncles,
Cousins, grandparents, great grandparents,
Great aunts and uncles, and friends.
You took an innocent Man
Away from his mama.
You took a father’s son.
You took a woman’s fiance.
You took a grandparent’s grandchild.
You took an Aunt and Uncle’s nephew.
You took a cousin’s cousin.
You took a friend’s friend.
Do you live with this everyday?
Do you think about the pain
You have created?
When you are awake
Do you think about what you
Took from Us?
As you lay asleep
Do you dream
About the Tragic Death
Of My Beloved Man?

His “Dying Time”
by Judy Gagnon
As my life begins to ebb away
I feel so all alone
No one can walk this path for me
I must make it on my own
Although I can share the journey
it’s through my eyes you see
the wonder that surrounds me now
my spirituality
I wish that I could show you
all the things I see revealed
But until our time to leave this earth
Some things are kept concealed
I am being shown the way
from this life to the next
there’s so much to take in all at once
for you, you’d be perplexed.
For you dwell within the physical
it’s where you comprehend
While I float between two worlds
of which there is no end.
I understand so well your fear
I wish that you could see
that what I see beyond this life…
is life eternally.
As my time to leave grows nearer
I will try to let you know
each step I’m on along this path
before I have to go.
I’m not afraid, as you can see
I’ve traveled down the path
of what they call my “dying time”
and seen the aftermath.
I think our “dying time”
is our time to prepare
ourselves and those around us
for the end that is so near.
It’s a time of readjustments
a time of letting go
somehow life has prepared us
somehow these things we know.
My mind now seems to be
more concentrated “there”
No longer do I long for life
as I knew it here.
I’m ready now to say good-bye
and I know how you will grieve
but please have faith…we’ll meet again
this you must believe.
I shared my journey with you
I’m so glad that you were here
And as we’ve been our whole life through…
please trust that I’ll be near.
When that day or night comes to you
I will help you comprehend
remember you won’t be alone
I will be there till the end.

He’s Free
by Judy Gagnon
I knew you had to go away
it was your time you see
but I didn’t take the time to face
that you were leaving me.
You weren’t afraid of dying
for you knew what lay in store
in the blinking of an eye
or the closing of a door.
You shared with us a journey
that only you could see
and helped us understand God’s way
as it was meant to be.
Life had so restricted you
your spirit is now free
to go explore the universe
for all eternity.

For You
K-Dub, once I thought I lost you.
So completely did I sorrow,
No light of hope could find my heart;
No vision of tomorrow.
In my grief, I only saw your loss,
The space where you had been.
When all the while, you were right here,
In a safer place within.
Now, you will never sorrow again,
For only love survives.
Within my heart your memory dwells
And shines out through my eyes.
The legacy of love you left
We will strive to carry on.
As long as I live, I’ll remember you,
And you will not be gone.

Feelings
by Joy Curnutt
I feel like I’ve just existed
And now it’s been a year.
I don’t know how I’ve lived and breathed
Without you being here.
I know you lived your lifetime
As short as that seems to me,
But the pain in my heart is still so great,
Yet I know your spirit is free.
At times I think I hear you
The thoughts come to my mind.
I struggle for the sound of your voice,
But your voice I cannot find.
Yet you come to me in many ways
So I know you did not die,
You want to tell me that you’re close,
And to please stop asking Why.
Our lives on earth seem all too brief,
Or brief as it seems to me.
But where you are is forever,
God calls that Eternity!

Don’t Think I Do Not Grieve
by Brenda Penepent
Don’t think I do not feel;
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.
Just because I do not cry now,
don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.
Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won’t see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I’ve gone insane.
Each time I chance to think of him,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder.

Dele Giwa
by Olufisayo Gali
We stand here today
Because we notice
Acknowledge a void
In time and space
In thought and reason
We feel it
Emptiness in our lives
He is gone
And even now so long after
The tears flow too readily
They do not stop
They do not pause
They see no reason to
There is no reason to
The pain remains, ever as strong
We stand here today
Because we acknowledge
The loss of your presence
And we acknowledge
There is nothing we can do
But pay homage and rejoice in
Our only true joy
We knew you
You graced our world
You taught us


K-Dub
I didn’t choose you for myself
God did that you see
He knew what he was doing
it was our destiny
He gave us strength to rise above
the limits we endured
and gave us truth of spirit
that we were assured
In His greatest wisdom
He knew that we would see
the strength in unconditional love
that expands eternity
If time were to be measured
the years we had were few
but I thank God for all of them
and a husband such as you.

Another Year
by Brenda Penepent
Another year has come,
And you, so far away from me now;
But in my heart still.
Forever, I will hold you close.
Each smile, laugh and tear I’ve cried
A testament to your presence.
I will always love you,
No matter what happens.
Your death can not separate us.
I’m right here, loving you as always.
My heart is true and strong.
I will never forget your spirit.
I am no longer afraid.
To live or die is the same for me.
You are with me on this journey.
I raise your light to the heavens, and smile.

All I Ask Of You
by Floria Kelderhouse
Don’t tell me you know how I feel,
You haven’t walked in my shoes.
Don’t tell me I have other men to love,
That won’t bring back the man that I lost.
Don’t tell me to get out of the house,
Maybe I just want to stay here and mourn
for my lost husband.
Don’t tell me it will get better,
From my point of view it will never be better.
Don’t tell me it could be worse,
How much worse than this could it be.
Don’t tell me to trust in God,
I do trust in Him and love Him,
That won’t bring my man back
Don’t tell me to eat and take care of myself,
Maybe the food won’t stay down.
Maybe I don’t care about myself right now.
Don’t tell me to try to get some sleep,
Don’t you think I would love to sleep?
Don’t tell me all this,
You haven’t walked in my shoes.
Do tell me you care.
Do tell me you love me.
Do tell me you will be there if I need you.
If I need to just talk to call you.
Or better yet, you call me.
Just listen, that’s all, just listen.
Do let me cry.
Do let me mourn.
Do let me experience this
terrible loss that I feel.
Do pray for me.
That is all I ask.


What You Say…(What I Hear)
by Connie Small
Today, I lay on the couch, wishing so hard to die, because the depression had taken such a hold on me. I cursed my body for breathing automatically, so that I couldn’t just stop. I thought this was another stage of grief I had to face, that I hadn’t been through yet. It seemed that this was the hardest stage of all. I felt so helpless, powerless, to do anything about it. I couldn’t reach out to anyone. I couldn’t even cry. I felt drained by this feeling of darkness that squeezed my heart so hard. I felt worthless, useless. Lost. And in pain so deep, it threatened to swallow me.
As I lay there, I wondered how I was to survive this stage. How I was to find a reason to want to even want to survive? I tried to will myself. But I couldn’t. It was as if I was dead inside, even though my body belied that fact.
I felt something stir inside. I realized it was anger. I grabbed onto that emotion, as if I were grabbing a life ring. I let the anger grow, even though it has scared me in the past few weeks. As bad as I hate the anger, it’s better than feeling nothing.
Now, the rage has brought me here, to my keyboard. I feel, my fingers type. I realize that I have to get this out, or I will turn it inward again. I don’t like the anger. But I like the depression even less.
Here is some of what I’ve had to hear.
“It doesn’t do you any good to talk about him.” (Forget your dead fiance, stop making me uncomfortable.)
I can’t forget him anymore than if he were alive.
“It’s O.K. to be angry, but don’t be mad too long, it’s not good for you.” (Be mad for a little while, but don’t get ridiculously mad.)
I’m mad at everything and everyone. I am FURIOUS at things that I wouldn’t even have noticed five months ago. I’m told by others that my anger is normal, but I still don’t like it. Especially when I see it get stronger every day. I just hope each day, that I can continue to control it, instead of letting it control me.
“You have to ‘get on with your life’.” (If you stop grieving and act normal, I’ll be relieved.)
What do you think I’m doing?! I wake up each day. I function through the day’s routine. Is that not going on with my life? If not, what is it? I’m certainly not dead.
“You need therapy for your depression.” (I don’t know what to tell you to stop your grief, so get help to get over it.)
Why do you think you have to help me? Why do I have to “get over it” within your time frame?
“Do something to distract yourself. You’ll feel better.” (If you find a hobby or something, I won’t have to listen to you cry about your fiance.)
Nothing, absolutely nothing, can distract me from the loss of my fiance. No more than you could be distracted from the loss of your right arm. He was as much a part of me, as your arm is a part of you.
Now, the “you should’s” have arrived.
I have so many people telling me how to grieve. Every day, it seems like someone is telling me I should be doing this or I shouldn’t be doing that. I want to ask them, “What gives you the right to say that to me? Did I ask you for your advice?!”
Why is it, people won’t hesitate to give you advice on a subject that no one wants to talk about? Few would speak out if they saw a child being mistreated in a store. Many would, and do, speak out when it comes to grief. In fact, they seem to make it their goal in life to get you to stop grieving as soon as possible, so they won’t have to hear your grief, see your tears and feel your pain. They won’t have to think to themselves, “That could be ME!”
Why can’t I just grieve in my own way? Why???
I’m supposed to “get on with my life.” Isn’t that what I’m doing?! I wake up each day. I function through the day’s routine. I work. I cook & clean. I take care of myself. I talk to and visit my family. I do everything you do in your daily routine. Is that not going on with my life?
Am I not living because I don’t go on dates? Because I don’t smile and laugh all day long? Because I don’t go to parties or dances? Because I don’t go out to dinner and a movie? Because I don’t want to learn something new? Because I don’t want to set a big goal in life to work towards?
Am I not living because my heart is irretrievably broken? Because my arms ache to hold my fiance? Because my eyes can’t hold back the tears that come forth daily? Because I want my fiance back more than anything in the world? Because I love and miss him with all my heart? It is my pain that tells me every single minute of every single day, I am alive. I feel the hurting that being alive causes me. How can I be not living?
Because I’m not living “normally,” that’s why.
Because I’m not living “normally,” I’m considered to be grieving too long or too hard. If my fiance was still alive, would I be chastised for loving him too much and for this long? No! If my fiance was still alive, would I be told to forget him and not talk about him? No! If he were here, would I be told to not dream of a future with him, look at his pictures, or remember him? No! If he were alive, would I be told to not worry about him and cry if I missed him? No!
I don’t stop total strangers in the store and tell them, “Live your life as if there were no tomorrow. Grab your spouse and tell them they are the most important person in your life. Spend every spare second of your life with your spouse or children, because they may not be here tomorrow. Don’t take anything for granted. Not a single ‘I love you,’ not one hug. Play with your children. Listen to loved ones when they talk to you. Have conversations with them. Learn about them. Encourage them. Be supportive. Help them in any way you can. Love them like their lives depended on it.” I don’t tell people that, even though I want to shout it to the world until everyone who has a spouse, a child or a loved one, hears and listens to me. Why I don’t tell them what’s in my heart? Simple.
Respect. I respect their right to live their life within their beliefs, needs, wants and feelings. Theirs. Not mine imposed upon them. Theirs.
Why can’t I get the same respect?
If you see yourself in any of the above, I want you to stop and please, think about what effect your words will have if you say them to someone like me. We do hear what you say. We do take it to heart. Your words can and do hurt, more than you’ll ever know.
We who have lost a loved one, balance precariously on a fine line between hanging on…and letting go. If you care, really care, don’t make us lose our fragile grip.

The Entrappment of Loneliness
by Tracy Trussell
Isaiah 53:3, He was despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised and we did not esteem Him.
Loneliness is defined as: “a solitary state of being that causes emptiness, a secluded feeling from society or people.” It can envelope us into a consuming torment that affects and hinders every aspect of our spiritual and physical lives. We become stripped of our energy and rendered with a feeling of utter desolation; leading us to believe the lie that nobody cares about us and we don’t matter. It filters away the light from our souls and replaces that light with shadows of unacceptance, discomfort and rejection. Our hearts become imprisoned by this and before we know it, we’ve distanced ourselves from God. We become so preoccupied with our emotional state that we turn inward instead of upward. Now we’ve opened the door for this loneliness to enclose itself around us like a huge wall of entrapment locking us into its prison. We begin drowning in our self-pity and feel there’s no way out; therefore submitting to the mindsets of hopelessness and despair. These feelings are a common thread among suicide victims. They get to such a detrimental state of emotional instability that they allow their minds to cave in to the lies of the devil. Then the devil takes their lives from them as they succumb willingly to his plot of destruction. We must realize that Satan is a liar and his main purposes on this earth is to kill, steal and destroy, according to John 10:10.
What causes this loneliness to come upon us? I believe that we ourselves are the cause! Loneliness is caused by a distorted logic. We allow wrong patterns of thinking to enter into our minds and our flesh feeds off of this. We begin to question the Love of the Father and we feel that God has left us. Our mind is a powerful weapon that can be used against us as our enemy…even though it’s part of our own body! This happens by dropping our guard! When we drop our guard around our mind, we are in essence extending an open invitation for the enemy to come in through that opened door and stay for coffee! He waits for the moment we drop our guard. That’s why the Bible sends out such strong warnings about guarding and securing our minds! Loneliness is painful and when we really consider the message that it’s sending to us we will find it to be this: “being homesick for God.” Somewhere along the line we have moved away from God and because of this distance we have become susceptible to the attacks of Satan. He never stops attacking us, but his attacks can prevail when we aren’t under our Father’s covering! When we are enveloped in God’s covering we are hidden from the arrows that Satan shoots at us. When we have removed ourselves from that covering then those arrows hit us right where it hurts. Satan knows our bull’s eye!
People can’t fill our well of loneliness inside of us…only God can! When we feel lonely it isn’t simply because we need people around us, it’s because our very souls are crying out for God! You can be in a room filled with people and still feel lonely. We were created for the sole purpose of being partakers in close fellowship with God.
We aren’t alone in experiencing feelings of loneliness and sorrows; Jesus Himself experienced these feelings. When He was in the garden of Gethsemane the Bible says in Matthew 26:38 that “His souls was exceedingly sorrowful…” He desired for the disciples to stay awake with Him and pray, but they didn’t. They left Him alone and fell asleep. Jesus was in great distress in His heart as He looked toward the Cross of Calvary. He knew it was the Fathers’ Will and He loved the Fathers’ Will so much more than his own. As our perfect High Priest He acquainted Himself with these because He desired to experience the same emotions His children would. His Great Love for us compelled Him to suffer at the Cross! No greater Love has been demonstrated to the extent that Jesus has shown. This Great love should move us to gratefulness and thanks. Jesus is our life-jacket through times of loneliness. He keeps us afloat. He won’t allow us to drown! Our relationship with Jesus withstands the tide of loneliness that attempts to overtake us. I believe that we can use these feelings that are accompanied by loneliness as a warning sign telling us that we must go deeper in to Jesus. Loneliness is a stagnant feeling in our spirit that tells us we need nourished by the water of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit longs to consume our hearts and fill our souls with such satisfaction and fullness of joy. When we are filled, there is no way that the gates of hell can prevail against us; because our spirit is strong enough to overcome our flesh. If we continually feed our spirit with Truth, it will abound in victory time and time again. All the doors to our heart will be closed and locked up tight and satan will have no avenue of entrance. When he finds he can’t get in he’ll leave! It goes back to choice. We either choose to be victorious through the Blood of Jesus, or a victim of the one who kills, steals and destroys. Satan hates us and he wants to claim every one of our souls. Don’t allow him to play deadly games with your mind! Set your mind upon the Spirit of Truth and use the Sword as your means of defense. You will come out in victory every time and he will lose his claim upon your life. Satan meant for the feeling of loneliness to bring destruction and despair upon us, but God can turn it and use it for the good if we recognize it as a warning to go deeper into Him. When we go deeper into Him, there is safety and stability there. Open your eyes to the schemes of the enemy and stand boldly against them. God has placed within us a “sound” mind and we are created in the “likeness” of God. Our mind belongs to God, not the devil! Don’t invite him in to render chaos in your life. Stand firm and embrace the Salvation of our God!


Loss—An Ayurvedic Perspective
by Jean Clark
Distraught with grief over the loss of her grandson and only remaining family, a 70-year-old Indian lady and devotee of Lord Buddha, sought the audience of Lord Buddha to bring her grandson back to life. The grandson had been young, healthy, and deeply loved by the old woman, yet in one instant his life was brought to an abrupt end with the bite of a poisonous snake.
Knowing that Lord Buddha was all powerful, she had her grandson’s body brought to the feet of the master, imploring him to chant a powerful mantra and return the beloved grandson to her side. Lord Buddha smiled compassionately and said, “I know your loss is great and I will try to help you. But first I need you to do something for me. I will need to chant a very powerful mantra to the gods and require some special water for the ceremony. You must find a home where there has been no history of death, retrieve water from that house and bring it back to me. Only then will my mantra be successful.” The old woman told Lord Buddha she would comply with this request, thinking it an easy task.
She then ran to the nearest village and started asking the villagers to direct her to a household where there had been no history of death. After knocking on over 20 different homes with no success, she understood the real message of Lord Buddha—no one is beyond death and that death of the physical body is a necessary part of life. She returned to Lord Buddha, wept at his feet and said, “Now I understand that none of us are beyond death, but dear Lord Buddha, tell me how to deal with my grief.” Then Lord Buddha, in his wisdom, recited a verse from the Bhagavad-Gita.
“Certain indeed is death for the born and certain is birth for the dead; therefore over the inevitable you shall not grieve.”
—Bhagavad-Gita
Lord Buddha then explained, “You must know, dear one, that change is inevitable as it is going on even in the present and has been in the past and will be in the future. Therefore birth and death are natural events about which one should not feel much concern.”

Life Does Go On
by Sam Knight
Grief is a lonely process. Your days and nights are filled with memories. Sometimes guilt gets in the way. Sometimes you feel like “What’s the point?” You don’t like being alone and you don’t want to think about getting involved with anyone else either.
I am a widow—a relatively young widow. I’m a 53-year-old “boomer” who hadn’t given much thought to the possibility I would be widowed at my age. The fact that my husband was 17 years older than me didn’t phase me much because in a lot of ways he was in better shape than I am. He exercised regularly (I hate exercise, always have), ate more carefully than me and was proud of his physique.
Come September, it will be two years ago that he passed away. I wish I could say what the hardest part has been, but there have been many “hardest” parts.
My husband took care of financial stuff in our home. Not that I couldn’t, just that he was more organized, and we both preferred it that way. I made my contributions and he paid the bills for our home, our vacations, whatever. To be perfectly honest, I liked it that way.
He also took care of the management of our property—whether it be himself or hiring a contractor. I found myself at a great loss, but I had to learn the process or have my yard be a disgrace to this lovely neighborhood.
I still have major problems cooking for one, and I usually don’t. I make too much, but cooking is a comfort for me, so I don’t worry about it.
Having a “built in” date made social affairs easier to attend.
My job was a help at keeping me busy and preoccupied, but coming home to an empty house was difficult. Especially when I had something I wanted to share.
When my husband was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we tried to be hopeful. It was diagnosed early. As it turned out, he died within six months.
We shared the same sense of humor, so believe me when I tell you I miss the times we watched TV or read a newspaper story we both found amusing or outlandish.
I have some wonderful friends, but they can’t fill that particular hole.
At this point, I realize that time does heal all wounds if you’ll only let it. It’s okay to cry and moan and even holler occasionally, but life is for the living and you must carry on.
I’ve even gotten to the point where I can have “disputes” with my husband. For instance, a few month’s ago I had some plumbing problems. Need I mention how totally inept I am in dealing with this sort of circumstance? Well, as I was wading around in all that water, I looked up and yelled, “Did you know about any of this? You did, didn’t you!” Well, I composed myself and then broke out laughing. Another milestone. Before, I would have just started crying shamelessly and wallowed in enormous self-pity.
Late last year, my parents came for an extended visit. I gave up my master bedroom for them because it provides all the creature comforts they enjoy. I wasn’t put out. I could easily move to another bedroom and the few things I didn’t have were really no big deal.
My mother and father, in an effort to show appreciation, went out and bought a whole new set of bedding material. As beautiful as it was, I burst out in tears. It changed the look of the room entirely, and I realized it came as a internal shock. They hadn’t meant any harm, and I recovered shortly thereafter. It’s all just part of the grief process.
Today, I would say that I’m just about back to normal. The missing goes on and the need to want to “hide out” pops up, but I consider it normal and don’t give in to it on a steady basis. Instead, I focus on the eighteen years my husband and I had and the incredibly wonderful travel experiences we shared.
His ashes are on top of my fireplace (most people have no idea what it is, if they ever notice in the first place). Some people probably think I have way too many pictures of him around and other reminders, but for now they stay.
Bottom line, life does go on, and if you take it one step at a time, reach out for the numerous resources available and take advantage of the kindness of humanity, you’ll live a happier, richer life. Get involved with projects such as the one I am developing over the Internet. Thank God for the Internet! It is crammed with all kinds of information and opportunities and has given me a brighter, encouraging outlook.
The same can happen for you, I promise.

“It’s not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather our concern must be to live while we’re alive.” — Elizabeth Ross

“Even as a coin attains full value when it is spent, so life attains its supreme value when one knows how to forfeit it with grace when the time comes.” —Felix Marti Ibanez

Getting On With Life—What Does It Mean?
by Alice J. Wisler
Of all the statements and spiritual platitudes quoted at me since my son Daniel’s death, the phrase that I hear most frequently makes me squirm the most. “You have to get on with your life.” Recently, I quit squirming long enough to ponder the meaning behind this phrase that is usually said to the bereaved in the form of a command. Exactly what does this phrase mean? What are people implying when they say it?
I was pregnant when Daniel died and three months later, I gave birth to a baby girl. Wasn’t that getting on with life? I nurtured my three children, took them to school, the park and birthday parties. Now wasn’t that going on with life? I even cooked dinner at least four times a week!
At first after Daniel’s death, I would have liked to have had my life literally stopped and been buried next to my son, but I kept existing. Like the plastic bag tossed about by the wind, I was fluttering, being carried by the events of life. Seasons came and went. In the spring, I planted marigolds and tomato vines. In the autumn I jumped in fallen leaves with my children. I continued; I still am continuing to live.
Now, I may be bereaved but I am by no means a fool. As I ponder the meaning behind “getting on with life,” I am capable of knowing exactly what those who say this have in mind. “Forget your dead child. Quit grieving. You make me uncomfortable!” Getting on with life means don’t acknowledge August 25th, Daniel’s birthday, anymore. Forget how he slid down the snowy bank in the recycle bin, sang in the van and ate Gummy Bears. Forget he had cancer, suffered and died at only age four. Don’t see the empty chair at the dinner table, don’t cry, just live!
Some who are more “religious” would like to believe that a bereaved parent can claim, “My child is safe and happy in Heaven. Therefore, why should I yearn for him?” Perhaps, I pose a threat to certain types because I have let it be known I question God. I weep. I have been angry. I miss my Daniel. Maybe old friends feel if they hang around me too long I might convince them that a few of their illusions about life are just that, only illusions. As my cries of anguish are heard, there are those who can only think how to make me be quiet. To stop my heartfelt yearnings they say quite sternly, “You must get on with your life.”
I am living. I do move on with life with Daniel in my mind and in my heart. Although he is not physically here, as I continue to live, I continue to love. To sever his memory totally from my life would be creating destruction and damage that would ruin me. To push Daniel out of my life and not be able to freely mention his name or write and speak about who he was on earth would bring only more pain to my life. I’d shrivel up. Comfort for me comes in remembering with smiles how he drew with a blue marker on his sister’s wall, ran outside naked and picked green tomatoes. For the reality is, getting on with life means continuing to cherish Daniel.

Finding God in Times of Grief
by Father Tony Stanganelli

When someone you love dies, actually three people die, when you think of it—your beloved, you yourself and God. The fact that we ourselves die, or perhaps a substantial part of us dies with a loved one is painfully obvious. In those first stages of grief, we go through life like a zombie, taking care of tasks and duties and responsibilities none the less, but with no life and no energy. Sometimes we even find ourselves engaging in some self-destructive activities in those early stages of grief—we drive the car a little faster, we busy ourselves to exhaustion, or we even try to anesthetize the pain with alcohol or drugs.
Everyone tells you that time heals all wounds. I have not found that to be true—as if you could only turn enough calendar pages to make the wounds go away. We put that unrealistic expectation on ourselves: “if I can just get through the holiday, or my loved one’s birthday, or whatever the upcoming event is that we are so dreading, if I can just turn the calendar pages, the pain will be less.” It is my firm belief that time doesn’t heal all wounds…only God heals wounds.
But how can God heal wounds if God is dead? As I said in the beginning of this reflection, there are three people who die when a loved one passes on: your beloved, you yourself, and God. What do I mean when I say that God is dead? Well, what has died in the process of our loved one’s dying is our image of God—an image of God that was there, unchallenged, since the days when we first learned about him from our parents and teachers. But, here is the good news—that image of God had to die.
So what was your image of God that died on the day that your loved one died? Let’s look at some of the images of God that we grew up with. The fact is that our understanding of the world, of human nature, of relationships—all this changes as we get older. But, for the most part, our understanding of God remains pretty much the same all through life until something traumatic happens. I don’t think it would be too blasphemous to say that most of us thought about God in the same way as we thought about Santa Claus. For most of us, Santa Claus is a mirror image of God. Think of the popular song, Santa Claus is Coming to Town:
You better watch out, you better not cry.
You better not pout I’m telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He’s making a list, checking it twice,
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice,
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you’re sleeping,
he knows when your awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
so be good for goodness sake.
Just as an aside: When you think of it, Santa is a pretty good invention if you want your kids to behave. You always have something to hang over their heads around the holiday times if you want to motivate them. Who wants a stocking of coal? God has been often times used in the same way by Church leaders to maintain control over the flock—do this or you’re going to hell!
Anyway, the whole point of the song Santa Claus is Coming to Town says this: If you’re a good boy or girl, Santa is going to give you good things. Of course, you have to tell him what you want. So, you make your Santa-list, and then you wait on the department store line for your chance to tell Santa everything that was on your list. If you didn’t get what you wanted, if you didn’t get what was on the list, then you were told, “Santa knew better; he knew that you shouldn’t have that.” Of course, there was always the fear that Santa saw all the bad stuff that you did and Santa wasn’t going to give you what you wanted. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. The eyes of Santa, perhaps like the eyes of God, are searching eyes, seeing into all the dark and secretive recesses of our lives. He, God or Santa, are just waiting to trip you up. And remember, neither Santa nor God count percentages or averages: you can be good right up until Christmas Eve—you could have worked tirelessly to keep your slate nice and clean. But, one false step even before the stroke of midnight—and you blew it! I hope that you can begin to see the connections between our image of God and our image of Santa Claus.
The whole mythology around Santa Claus really is a projection of a very sad image of God that we possess and that we really don’t challenge—until we are forced to challenge it when that image of God has died. The saddest part of the song Santa Claus is Coming to Town is that you are not allowed to have your own emotions. “You better not cry, you better not pout.” That’s pretty violent to a kid, when you think about it. Think back to the days when you were a kid and you fell and hurt yourself when you were playing. Where I grew up, there were no play grounds—we played on the street. If I fell in the street and skinned my knee, I wouldn’t cry or wail right away. I guess that wasn’t too cool to do when you were with all your friends. Instead, I would go running inside the house and desperately search for those people who loved me. Then, as soon as I saw Mom, I knew it was O.K. to unleash all the pain. It was as if she gave me permission to feel the pain and to express the pain. The pain was there all along—but the pain is held inward until someone comes along and gives me the permission to cry. And isn’t that beautiful? Of course, it didn’t always work that way. There were moments when you weren’t given permission to cry. “Oh come on, what are you crying about. Don’t be such a baby. You’re not really hurt.” Sometimes a crying child can be treated like a barking dog. I’ll really give you something to cry about! All we’re looking for is someone who will give us permission to unleash the pain!
All too often, during the time of grieving, we desperately look for someone who will give us the permission to unleash the pain. Sadly, after about a month or two, it’s so hard to find those people. This is where you get the list of the ten stupidest things that people say to people who are in grief:
The one who has lost a loved one through a long-term illness often hears: At least they’re not suffering any more.
The one who has lost a loved one through a sudden accident often hears: At least they didn’t suffer.
The one who has lost a spouse after many years of marriage we say, At least you have some good memories.
The one who has lost a baby or a child often hears, You don’t know: maybe if they didn’t die something worse would have happened later on (I don’t know too many things worse than death.)
The one who has lost a baby through a miscarriage is often told: You can always have more children.
To this list, add other great phrases like:
Your loved one wouldn’t want you to cry.
Try to do something to take your mind off of things.
Think positive thoughts!
You’ve got to put it behind you and move on.
God knew what was best—he has his reasons.
Ten dopey phrases—you could probably add to the list. Each of the phrases are ways that people can tell us that they really don’t want us to wail and cry—they don’t give us permission to express the pain. It’s not some kind of malice that motivates people to say these things—I suppose they want to fix the pain but they can’t.
The last of these phrases, however, speaks about not questioning God—God has his reasons and he knows what is best, so you better not tell him how you are feeling. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout. Our image of God, like that of Santa Claus, is someone who doesn’t want to hear us pouting and crying. He doesn’t want to hear our rage and anger. God doesn’t even want to hear our questions: God has his reasons, so you better not even ask him Why?
Ultimately, our image of the Santa Claus God dies. The ways in which we have related to God in the past dies. We’re good people—we’ve kept our nose clean, obeyed all the rules—we did what we were supposed to do. But we didn’t get what we want. And so, our understanding of God dies. But this is more than just the death of a child’s concept of reality. This is more than just discovering that the moon is not made of green cheese. This is more than just feeling the disappointment that there is no Santa Claus. This is the death of someone upon whom we’ve placed all our trust and hope. We don’t know what to believe any more, we don’t know what to think any more—we don’t even know how to pray any more.
But, the good news is that this concept of God has to die if we are really going to discover who God really is. If you feel like you’re in a desert right now, that’s good news—now God can reveal himself. And the better news is that not only does God come alive but you come alive and your loved one comes alive. This is the reality I want to address in the rest of this reflection.
So, how does the new reborn God reveal himself to me? For the Christian, we believe that we find God in a unique and singular way in the person of Jesus Christ. Perhaps the best image of Jesus Christ that I know is the Sacred Heart. Now, I have to confess that until a few months ago, devotion to the Sacred Heart was not a part of my spirituality. The image itself seemed so pietistic—almost an embarrassment in our relationship with non-catholics. I threw out the Sacred Heart in exchange for more sophisticated understandings of Jesus. But, the Sacred Heart tells me that God has a human heart. Right now, even in heaven, God desires and feels and is broken because he has taken on a human heart. And so, through the Sacred Heart, let me tell you what my new understanding of God is.
When I was a child, I studied the Baltimore catechism just like anyone else. But, I have to admit that I was a very strange kid who became overly concerned about discrepancies that I would find in the catechism. For example, there was the question in the old Baltimore catechism: How many natures does Jesus Christ have? And the answer: Jesus Christ has two natures: the nature of God and the nature of man (forgive the sexist language). But, I found another edition of the catechism that said, Jesus Christ had two natures, the nature of God and the nature of man. This troubled me. Which is it? Jesus has two natures? Jesus had two natures? So, I brought this question up in confession and the priest told me, “Jesus has two natures—even today. After Jesus died, he didn’t go back to being God. He still has a human nature.”
But, what does that mean? For me it means that God has so taken on our human state that even right now in Christ he has a human heart: a heart that yearns, a heart that hopes, a heart that breaks. First of all, a heart that yearns. We speak of the human heart as the seat of desire; we say, “I have my heart set on that.” Traditionally, it would be very hard to conceive of God as wanting anything—after all, he lives in perfect beatitude in heaven. He doesn’t want for anything. Yet, if God has a human heart, he does have desires. In the gospel of John, we hear one of these human desires, “Father, I pray not only for my disciples but for all who will come to believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you Father are in me and I am in you. That they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. Father, they are your gift to me. I wish that where I am they also may be with me.”
In Jesus, we hear what God desires in his heart—that we can all be one: that where Jesus is, we also may be. At first, this desire of Jesus, this desire of the Sacred Heart seems to say only that someday we may all find ourselves in heaven, with Jesus, with Mary, with the saints and our loved ones. But Jesus desires more—he desires that the Kingdom of God be in our midst even today—right now. The great desire of God is that we discover one another in the Sacred Heart of Jesus even now. Later, I’m going to suggest a way that we can pray in that Sacred Heart of Jesus and find our loved one.
The human heart is also a heart that can break. That means that right now, God’s heart is breaking with you. Just as Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus as we heard in the reading with which I began this reflection, so too God in Jesus wept on the day that your loved one died; God wept with you every time you shed a tear, cried a sob, felt your heart ripped in two. Do you remember in the gospel story when Jesus breathed his last on the cross? In Matthew’s gospel we hear about the veil in the temple being torn in half. The veil was the Jewish version of the altar rail—it separated the Holy of Holies from the rest of the Temple—it kept God on one side and us on the other side. Now, that barrier is torn down. In Jesus, God has taken up all of human reality, even human suffering, pain and longing.
In short, the Sacred Heart of Jesus means that because God and Jesus are truly one, God has a human heart that longs for you, a human heart that breaks for you. And even more importantly, all those people who are right now in the heart of Jesus, all those people who have passed onto the other side, they too long for you and their heart breaks for you.
Think, for a moment then of what that means about heaven. When I was a child, my mother and I had this discussion about heaven. I can remember my mother saying to me, “When I get to heaven, I can’t wait to be with my parents and my little brother Anthony who died at the age of two.” In my own intellectual arrogance I disagreed with her because I heard about this thing called the Beatific Vision. “Oh mother,” I said. ”When you get to heaven, you are going to be so caught up in the vision of God you won’t desire anything else. You’re going to be perfectly happy just beholding the beatific vision. You’ll be so happy you won’t want to look for your parents or your brother or anyone for that matter.” My mother looked at me with horror and said, “Anthony, what are you talking about, the Beatific Vision. Heaven isn’t going to be heaven without the people you love.”
I’ve thought about that in recent years. Mother was right. Heaven isn’t perfectly heaven without the people you love. Sure, when we die we’re going to be embraced by God. Sure, when we die we’ll be freed from this life of pain, this vale of tears. But heaven isn’t going to be heaven without the people you love. Now, on the one hand we can picture all these people up in heaven having a grand old time and not giving half a thought to us here on earth, we who are still in the vale of tears. But these people are caught up into the mystery of the Sacred Heart—they live in the heart of Jesus, and that heart still yearns and desires for us to be with them fully. “Father, that they may all be one, as you Father are in me and I am in you.”
Concretely, I have come to believe that the people who have passed to the other side really do miss us, and they desire to be one with us. Well, obviously there will come a time when we will all be one in Christ, all sharing his company in the communion of saints. But even right now they want to be one with us. And the way they can be one with us is in prayer.
Well, what exactly is prayer? Before our loved one died, maybe we thought about prayer as a way of trying to tell God how to do his business. Like we have all these miseries here on earth, and God has to be reminded about all the things he should be taking care of. So we get on our prayer telephone to God, saying, “Oh God, help this person find some employment. They have three kids to care for and they are really desperate.” And God says, “Hey, thanks for calling my attention to that. Yes, you’re right—I didn’t realize that those people had all those mouths to feed. Maybe I better do something about that. Yes, thanks for telling me about that sick person—you’re right, they don’t deserve that illness. Maybe I better do something to help them.” Prayer is too often seen like we’re rubbing the bottle of the genie to get our three wishes. Like the old Groucho Marx show, You Bet Your Life—say the magic word and the duck comes out of the sky and you win $1,000. Say the right prayer, make the right novena to St. Jude, copy this novena nine times and leave it in nine Churches on nine consecutive days and you’ll get what you are praying for.
Well, if that’s our concept of prayer, no wonder we might find it hard to pray in the midst of the grieving process—fundamentally, what has come down to us is that prayer doesn’t work—at least that genie-in-the-bottle kind of prayer doesn’t work. Our judgment that this kind of praying doesn’t work may have developed in those situations where we were praying for the recovery of our loved one if they were suffering from a long and terminal illness. God, make them better—get rid of the cancer. We hear about miracles all the time and we pray for that miraculous healing in a loved one and it doesn’t happen. And we judge, “Maybe I didn’t say the right prayers—maybe I didn’t pray hard enough, or with enough faith.” Maybe I didn’t say the right word, like on the Groucho Marx show. Obviously, my prayers didn’t work.
But what is prayer? Prayer, ultimately, is loving communion—it is communion with the heart of Christ and communion with all those who are in the heart of Christ. Prayer is the way we find ourselves in loving communion with one another. I think that is why the tradition of our Church has wisely set forth the Eucharist as a beautiful prayer both for the living and the dead. On All Souls’ Day, we celebrate this long-standing tradition of our Church that, through the Eucharist, we are still in loving communion with those who have passed to the other side.
What I would like to do at this point in this reflection is to suggest some very concrete ways we might pray in the midst of the grieving process. First, let me offer some reasons why we ought to pray for those who have died. Fundamentally, why we pray for the dead is so that their lives and our lives can move on. Now, when you first hear that, it sounds like I’m saying that prayer is a way that we can separately move on with our lives. The image you might get is one of two people walking down a path together, and then they come to a fork in the road—one goes one way, and the other goes another way, and you won’t see each other again, or at least for a while, so you utter this prayer, “God be with you,” or, as we say in colloquial English shorthand, “Good-bye.” But the image strikes us with horror because we don’t want to have to say good-bye to the people we love, and if that is what prayer is all about, then I don’t want anything to do with it. I have found that people are even afraid to stop the grieving process because they feel that once they have stopped grieving, they will stop remembering their loved one. It’s almost as if the grief were the only way they can relate to their deceased loved one, and to suggest that we stop grieving and move on with life is like saying, “Cut off all ties with your loved one.”
However, you can’t bury love—love didn’t go into the grave on the day that your loved one died. So, what do I mean when I say that prayer for the dead is necessary so that we can move on with our lives? Our moving on is a moving together. Together, we move more deeply into the heart of Christ so that together, both we the living as well as the deceased, can experience love, serenity and peace.
First let me speak about the moving on that our deceased loved ones are doing. Our tradition has spoken about Purgatory, a sort of half-way house between heaven and hell. Our tradition also spoke about our prayers helping the poor souls in purgatory moving from this place of unrest into the perfect rest of heaven. Well, what exactly is purgatory? Our tradition says that purgatory is the place where the deceased undergo a kind of temporal punishment due to sins already forgiven. Now, that might not have sat too well with you, particularly if you start thinking about your loved ones. I mean, if a sin is forgiven, why do we have to suffer any kind of punishment for it? The tradition said that, even though the sin is forgiven, sin still has consequences and creates a situation that needs to be “paid for.” Fine, but what about that good thief on the cross? Remember the scene at Calvary when the good thief says to Jesus, “Remember me when you come into your kingdom.” And Jesus says, “This day, you will be with me in paradise.” This day you will be with me. Jesus doesn’t say, “After your 312 years in purgatory for stealing will you be with me.”
I believe that those who die in the Lord are brought into the mystery of his love, into his Sacred Heart. However, perhaps they aren’t able to experience that love fully just yet. Why not? I go back to the wise words of my mother, “Heaven isn’t going to be heaven without the people you love.” Heaven will not be fully heaven if there is an obstacle between us and our deceased loved one. You see, we’re all members of the Body of Christ, and Jesus wants us to be all one in Him. But our human situation is such that we have differences between us, the petty little differences that arise between us even here on earth and may even be carried into the grave. In some way, those barriers, those obstacles have to be overcome. Of course, we might all feel, “Well it’s too late to make up with the deceased—after all, they left us and we can’t say we’re sorry and we can’t forgive them for the hurts which they have caused.” But that is exactly where prayer comes in.
There is a great deal of resistance, emotionally, to say that part of our prayer for our deceased loved one has to involve some form of mutual forgiving and asking for forgiveness. One of the dynamics that takes place after the death of a loved one is that we begin to make our relationship so incredibly larger than life. We want to forget the fact that we ever had arguments, that there were times when we found our loved ones to be troublesome or even obnoxious. We instantly want to canonize them. Sometimes at a wake you see the dynamic of all the people clambering to be considered to belong to the inner circle of the deceased. I want to believe that I was so important in the life of this loved one, that this was my most cherished dearest friend. I want to ignore the fact that I didn’t get to the hospital regularly, or I don’t even want to deal with the guilt that I might have become short-tempered with them as they entered into the critical stages of their illness.
So, we all have this baggage that we want to ignore—the baggage of the day-to-day human dealings with someone we loved. We want to ignore the fact that our relationship was human with its ups and downs, its bumps and bruises. But, I’m telling you that this baggage has to be dealt with, especially if we are going to find peace and if our loved one is going to move on into the mystery of the Sacred Heart—if we are to move closer together into the heart of Jesus. After Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, he says, “Untie him and let him go free.” Forgiving our beloved departed and allowing them to forgive us is an important prayer event that can help us move on. So, one of the prayers I’m going to suggest is a prayer of forgiveness for those who have passed on.
I realize that what binds us together is the common experience of loss—and yet each loss is unique. This kind of prayer of asking for forgiveness from a loved one and receiving forgiveness from that loved one may be more critical for some than for others. For those who experienced particular tragedies in their life: the loss of a loved one through suicide or through abortion, this kind of prayer is indispensable. But even in less intense experiences of loss, I’m thinking of the loss of a spouse or a parent in particular, this prayer of asking for and receiving forgiveness is important. We live in a day and an age where there is so much work that is being done in the field of recovery—recovery from addictions, reclaiming our lost, inner child, the work of people like Melanie Beatty and John Bradshaw. As we begin to uncover some of the woundedness of our own past, we start to see the roles that were played by our parents or by some significant person in our life. If that parent who might have hurt us is now deceased, part of the work of recovery and healing is the work of forgiveness. As Jesus says to Martha and Mary in the gospel, “Unbind him and let him go free.” In a moment, we can discover together some ways in which we can pray for that unbinding.
Another kind of prayer that I’m going to suggest is that we try to allow Jesus to unbind us and let us go free. Here, I think it is so critical that our prayer be as honest and as unedited as we possibly can make it. If we grew up feeling that we should never answer back our parents, then all the more we felt that we could never really bare our feelings of frustration, disappointment or anger before God. The older we get, the more sophisticated our prayer becomes—but sadly, our prayer isn’t a prayer from the heart but a prayer from the head. In this prayer I’m going to suggest, I will ask you to imagine yourself like a little child again. After all, it was Jesus himself who said that unless you become like a little child, you shall not enter the Kingdom of God. In this prayer, I will talk about becoming a child again with all the freedom that a child has to express emotions of hurt and disappointment. In this prayer, we will ask Jesus not to explain death away (after all, we’re children and we aren’t interested in those philosophical answers) but to give us all the things that we miss from our loved ones.
And so, the first prayer experience I wish to express is to try to get ourselves to speak to Jesus like a child. In the gospels we hear how Jesus said “Let the children come to me and do not hinder them.” He also said, “Unless you become like a little child, you shall not enter the Kingdom of heaven.” Children don’t edit anything—they are honest with their feelings (if we let them) and honest with their needs.
Begin to pour out your heart. You tell him all your disappointment and hurt and frustration and anger. Jesus pulls his arms around you as you begin to cry…and sob. Let yourself cry like a little child. Jesus holds you close to his chest—so close that you can feel his garment against your cheek. Jesus doesn’t say anything. He just holds you. While he holds you there, feel all the love in his arms, in his embrace, in his heart just envelope you. He gives you all you need right now—all the ways you need to be loved. All the ways you were loved by your loved one but now cannot receive. Stay there for a while…Let Jesus take his fingers and wipe away the tears from each of your eyes…
The second meditation: This is a meditation that can be adapted in many ways. The main focus of the meditation is to be able to address some of the unfinished business with your loved one. Before you begin the meditation, ask Jesus to reveal to your heart that person whom you wish to pray for right now. Imagine as you sit there, you see two people emerge. The first person is Jesus, and he leads by the hand the person you love. They make their way toward you…How do you feel when you see Jesus and your loved one together? They walk toward you and sit facing you. You have so much you want to say to your loved one, but you don’t know where to start. You begin to share with your loved one some of your regrets—some of the things that you wanted to say to your loved one but never got the chance, some of the things you wish you had never done. Allow Jesus to take the hand of your loved one and place it on your heart. Allow your loved one to speak to you words that ask for your forgiveness. Maybe there is a particular incident that your loved one wants to address—a situation for which they never had the chance to say, “I’m sorry.” Listen to those words, “I’m sorry.” Feel that person’s hand on your shoulder.
Allow Jesus to place his arms around both of you. Stay quiet in this presence for a while. All three of you stand up together. When you feel that you are ready, take your loved one’s hand and place it in the hand of Jesus. Watch Jesus and your loved one walk back from where they emerged. Your loved one turns around and says one last parting word to you. What does your loved one say to you?
About the author: Father Tony Stanganelli is a priest from the New York area. Father Tony has a Masters in Sacred Theology in New York and a pontifical licentiate degree in Sacred Theology from the Gregorian University in Rome. www.holyspiritchurch.com.
Copyright © 2001 by Father Tony Stanganelli. All rights reserved.

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn’t working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you’ve started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.
In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren’t the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.
First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don’t feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.
Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who’s little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.
Another thing, you usually don’t ever “get over it.” Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it’s easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren’t going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.
So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn’t easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it’s going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

Tomorrow Starts Without Me
by David M Romano
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had
If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

A New Path
by Nick Alcantara
All I wanted
Was to spend more time
With you
But what I got
Was only a precious few
At least I tried
To make the most
Of what was left
Plans diverted
Too many hurdles
Never made it
To desired stage
Sorry, not much choice
Although it hurts
Life must go on now
Even without you
I must continue
The life that never was
And forged ahead
A new path
Guided by your
Eternal light
And undoubting love
Forever you are always in our hearts.

Wishing You Near
by Nick Alcantara
To realize
That time is so dear
When you are no
Longer here
I cling to memories,
Sweet memories
That bring you near
If only
I could touch you again
Without bringing back the pain
Feeling your presence
That you are not really
Very far away
That would us bring back
The aura and magic
Of being again
Together
I know you are
Just a whisper away

A Thousand Tears
by Marissa Elizabeth Martin
I've cried a thousand tears for you,
Felt a thousand pains.
Screamed a thousand words for you,
Died a thousand days.
Now I'm empty and black like a hole.
Nothing's in use, I have nothing to control.
Where my heart once was, is where the hole stays.
With the pieces left in it,
you dropped them in the maze.
Except for a single piece,
The only piece I ever knew.
The piece I can't let go of,
The small piece of you.
I hold it tight but it's fading, and wearing away fast.
I have to keep a tight hold of it, I need you to last.
But I know eventually this piece of you,
Will fall from me for days.
Then the piece I held onto so tight,
Will too be lost in the maze.