2 months and today is the day I write you a letter and put it on your pillow. Problem is I'm a zoo. I feel like a zombie...numb....speechless....mindless. I don't know what to say, I don't even hurt...just right now it feels so unreal. I feel like I'm in some big dream right now. Really, I do. It doesn't seem real.
I fell asleep for a second in a class I was in today. I dreamed I had a sharp knife and I was plunging it into my chest saying, "please take me out of my misery." I was enunciating each word with each plunge of the knife. The problem was I wasn't dying...I kept trying and trying, continually stabbing myself, but I wouldn't die!
I'm so ready to just be done. Life seems so meaningless and pointless. What's important? I would only want to stay around so I don't hurt my family. I would hate to put them through the pain I'm in right now, but I will continue to suffer (I suppose) as long as I know I'd be sparing them pain. I just want to be gone....I want it to be over. I'm tired. I'm hurt.....so, so deep. This pain and emptiness has left such a huge void. I hate it. I don't want to go through the day carrying this burden. I feel so weak. I wish you were here so bad. I want you to make the pain go away like only you can. Honey, I love you so much and I miss you so much it hurts me so deep. So deep. I can't take this. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Or just go to sleep and never wake up.
I just need to go, I'm rambling and I have no words for my jumbled and confused thoughts. I'm lost...that's the bottom line.....I'm so lost without you.
Please be waiting for me when I get to Heaven. I need you.
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