Spinning In Circles - Wedding Day

I feel like I’m lost and spinning in circles. You emailed me once before and in it you said “You complete me without you I truly believe I would be just spinning in circles.” How those words ring so true right now. Today is the day we’re supposed to be married, this was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Instead I feel so incomplete. It’s like something is missing. The sun rose, the birds are chirping, the world is progressing normally and I feel like there is something huge missing in my life today. I feel completely lost right now, I don’t know what to do. It’s Memorial weekend, should I mourn you and it’s our wedding day, the happiest day of my life, should I try to be happy and do great and beautiful things? I don’t have a clue. Everyone want(s) to be with me today and all I want is to be with you. I would give anything to be with you today. Absolutely anything. I will do what I think would be the closest to you. I will go to ---- church. I will be there at 1:00 like we had planned, I will stand where we were supposed to say our vows and read my “why I want to marry you” letter and in my mind I will be united with you forever under the covenant of God. You may not be there physically, but I pray so hard you will be there in heart and soul: spiritually. I still want to marry you and commit to you forever, does it matter if I’m on earth and you are in Heaven? Honey, I know I will cry so hard when I get there. It’s going to hurt a lot, but I really want to do this for us. I need to do this to complete what we had. This will make it official. After the church I will go to our property and plant the tree I got from your funeral. I picked the most rugged looking tree because it looked like it would be a fighter, just like you. I’m not sure where I will plant it, but I’m sure you or God will send me a sign so I’ll know the right place. I’ll try to clean up the property a little bit and do a little work, I’m not sure what, but it will probably be evident when I get there. Sometime throughout the day, probably after we get married I will open your little present to me. I can already see myself crying. This is just going to be a hard day. I just want this whole weekend to be over and in the past. Well, honey I better go, I’ve got to load up the car and get going, it’s going to be a long day and how I wish you could be here. I need you. I need you forever and I love you always and forever. You will always be in my thoughts, memories and heart. You really were something that was sent from above, the closest to God that I will ever experience. You’re so special, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. Even though it was short it was the best time of my life. I love you for that forever and ever. God bless you honey.