ang-grrr

I'm filled with so much anger lately. i'm so mad you left me here all by myself. i'm so mad i had something so great...something that got my hopes up, had me dreaming, got my expectations up and for what? this. you left me here all alone. it would've been ok if i would've never met you cuz i came to terms that this was my job, this was where i was gonna live for the rest of my life, that i would never meet a good guy here, that i was doomed to a single life. all of that was fine. i knew that's what my life was gonna be. well, you came into my life and changed all that. you made me giddy. everything was too good to be true. i should've known. you were like my knight in shining armor. now look, you got my hopes up and now this sucks that i'm stuck here all by myself in this crappy job. why did you come into my life and do this to me? is this some kind of cruel joke? is this one of life dumb tests i'm supposed to pass? screw life and it's dumb ass tests. i'm just mad, stop playing games with my heart...ya know that's what's so cruel about it. so i'm mad. this all sucks and i don't give a damn about anything. i want to forget all about you, move on. i don't want to remember how great it was. why? so i can torture myself. ya' know it's just so much easier to keep busy, work, hang around people and just forget you and i even existed. i don't want to sit around and think about what i'm missing out on. every time i see a couple, everytime i hear about a relationship, a wedding, a couple having a kid, every time i see a new house being built...tons of crap.....i don't want to think about what a wonderful life i'm missing out on. i just wish i could erase all our memories and just move on and be happy. i'm tired of being mad, i'm tired of being sad, i'm tired of this hopeless/helpless feeling. i can't even look at your pictures without getting mad. so i'm sure it sounds dumb and irrational. i can't explain it, but yeah, that's how i feel. so while i can be so mad at you, i can also still love you so much and miss you more than anything in this whole world.....go figure, life sucks and then you die. and ya know i'm sure you're up in heaven doin your thing and who am i to you anymore. i am nothing but a person on earth. how do i even know you will be waiting for me, how do i even know you remember me. how do i even know you care. for all i know you are in your own little world now and having a great time and i am here suffering and for what? is this supposed to make my life better in the long run? does this get me a free ticket to heaven? i doubt it, this suffering is doing nothing for me, but making me hate life and even you sometime. who am i to you now? i really feel like i am nothing to you now and here i sit suffering for you. basically, this is something so horrible i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. i hope to see you soon. maybe you still love me even. maybe you'll even remember me?

so much love, your baby girl. xoxoxoxo