I'm Ready

So I'm ready to die...I'm ready to leave this earth and be with you. I've got all my journals in order so when I die people can read them. I guess really the only thing I need to do is leave a sort of will of who gets everything and put my password for my computer somewhere so people can access my will.

i went to ----'s graduation on sunday. i left at 430 am and drove all the way to klamath falls, it really sucked. i was sad cuz we were supposed to be together. i drove down all the roads we'd driven together. sucks cuz we have a lot of memories in oregon. all the way to waitsburg sucks cuz it reminded me of staying with you. i drove by the rv park we stayed in. dayton sucked...that's where we met the time I stayed with you down there, that's where we went to the internet cafe, that's where we went to dinner a couple nights, that's where we went to the convenient stores, that's where we got gas, that's where we ate breakfast and saw the st. bernard. urrrggh, it sucks! then driving down along the river is like when we went to mallawa together. then when i turned down 97 it was like when we went and stayed in crescent together. i drove through crescent and the little towns before it. remember going to the one town and looking in that store for some rain gear? we went to the other little town and got propane, groceries and dinner. i drove by the trail i ran on everyday in the snow and freezing ass cold, i drove by the convenient store that you got coffee at every morning, i drove by the road that led up to your service landing...remember when i visited you that one day, i drove by the restaurant we met josh and his friends and we had a beer or two, i drove by the restaurant we had dinner at with all the animal heads everywhere, i drove by the little store we got soup at, i drove by the sporting goods store we went in just cuz, of course drove by the rv park we stayed in at looked right at our site which was empty, thought of running across the way to shower every morning in that cold weather and snow. then down the road a ways we went to the other rv park to use their internet. ya know it just all sucked, sucked, sucked. super sucked. so bad sucked. it did then and it does now. too many memories...i miss you and everything we did together, i wish so bad we could've shared more...our whole lives together.

anyway finally made it to klamath falls at 330, went to the grad. sat with ----- and ---- and all the family. it was so neat to see -----, her eyes light up when she sees me and i love her so much. i wish i could save her from her situation. we sat together during the whole grad. i was so proud of ------...for you and me...i wish you were there...well, you probably were. i almost cried cuz i was sad you weren't there. we went to pizza afterwords and it was ok, i felt kind of weird, like out of place, but it went ok. finally left at 830 at night and drove home all night, stopping once to sleep at biggs for a couple hrs. driving home was just numbing, i cried a lot on the way down, so i guess i got it out of my system. got home and here i am. yesterday and thasmornin really sucked...just tired and numb. i fluxuate between being numb about it and in a zombie trance to being so sad and depressed, not wanting to do a thing. sometimes i think about you and i hate it so much, i hate the pain it makes me feel, it's a lot of anxiety and i just hate it, it hurts so bad. but then sometimes i'm just numb and i have no feelings...right now i can't focus on this email and i'm tired and i know i should go to be bed (i'll regret it tomorrow morning) but i don't want to go to sleep. last night i had a nightmare i was driving through a war zone with explosions and it was night time so you could see mortar fire and bullets all over the place, the flashing light of them. then i went in a house and --- was outside the window with a gun trying to find me to kill me. i went in the basement of the house for a long time but when i came back upstairs and peeked around the window he was still there with the gun pointing at the window waiting for me...then for whatever reason i woke up and i was really tired, sad and depressed already. i didn't want to go to work, but of course, i did and i felt better after i ran my 3 miles in the pouring rain. well life sucks without you, it's so empty and lonely. i feel like i have nothing now. i really do just wanna die and be with you. i will do my will tomorrow and then i will be good to go. i will pray for the lord to take me. i miss you. a lot. and i love you. a lot. life isn't the same without you...it's not fair. we loved each other so, so, so much. it was so true and so real. why would god do this to us and not some other crappy couple. i love you honey, please help me if you can and please don't forget about me. i can't stop thinking of you, i hope you still think of me...i hope you can see me or feel me. i love you honey bunny. xoxoxo