Missing U

hey honey, it's your baby girl. today i'm missing you so much. there aren't words for how much i miss you. i thought of our first date, how we talked a lot in ---- when we first met, i thought about your crash and what you must've been thinking. i thought about us at church. hell, i thought about a lot. i went to the property today after church. i planted some trees. i was there from about 1030 to 730, but it sure wasn't long enough. i wanted to plant way more trees. maybe i planted about 50. all over by your tree. i watered your tree too, so i hope that helps it. jim showed up about 7 and we b.s.'ed for awhile. i met his wife, she seemed real nice. she invited me to her house anytime. she told me that ---- was her nephew (firefighter in ----). small world huh? i want to cry so bad but i can't. it hurts so bad, but i don't know what hurts. i can't pinpoint anything to cry about. just that you were so perfect and beautiful. the way we met was amazing...it was met to be....had to have been. why was this meant to be though? what did i do to deserve this pain worse than anything in the whole world. i would take all the physical pain in the world if i could lose this pain. it's days like this i don't think i could make it on a fire assignment. they're gonna try to get me in AZ sometime this week. it's on the tonto n.f., isn't that cool. hopefully, i can see my spot...but it's our spot now. even though you never physically went there with me, i know you know where it is now and you had to of been with me when we were there for the bachelorette thingee. anyway, i said i'd do it. a divs(t). you always seemed so proud of it and really wanted me to get it, so i am doing this for you. i hope ---- just signs me off. i doubt it, but all i want is to be divs so i can be a safety officer. hell, why do i even want that. i don't like this job. this was supposed to be my last year and i was gonna do something else. i really, really hope --- gets some bball job, so i can just pack up and say peace out. i'm kinda sick right now...sore throat that won't go away and just real, real tired. i gotta get up early tomorrow too...i haven't got to sleep in for awhile. i think wednesday i slept til 8 or so, then --- called and woke me up. i ran about 9 or 10 miles saturday then went to the river with --, --, -- and --...others too, but you wouldn't know 'em. got home kinda late...went to bed late...got up early to go to church...felt like crap, but of course wouldn't miss church for the world. sermon was awesome once again. i love it when father joe does them. i felt like he was talking right to me. or the lord was speaking through him. i could've cried so easy. i had to fight to hold back the tears. he talked about being in a "storm" and having faith. jesus will get you through the storm...don't doubt. he is in the boat with you. he spoke of his brother, sister in law, and nephew who got in a plane crash last fall and all were killed. he even doubted the lord...why did it have to happen...he said he had a rough time. it made me feel a little better. if father had a rough time than i certainly am ok to be having a rough time. he was so passionate talking and i swear it was for me...it certainly seemed that way. it was very touching. i'm so glad i'm going to church now. i wish it was closer so i could go every night. did i tell you i looked on the internet on how to be a nun. i might as well....i can't see myself with anyone ever again. i only wanted you. you were my soul mate. you were so perfect, we were so perfect. everything. we were so meant to be. i can't even fathom anyone coming close to you. there is just no way. anyhow, i had the best and i had my piece of heaven, so now nothing is left but to remember and smile. to go on with life and devote myself to the lord. i certainly don't want to devote myself to another person, i worship the lord now. maybe that's why he took you from me, because i worshiped you. and really you're not supposed to worship another human being....you're not supposed to place someone above the lord and i did. maybe that's why? who knows, i just know it sucks so bad and i really would be so fine if i just died right now. i would certainly feel bad for my family and i'd be so sorry, but this is awful. i want to be with the ones i love the most, you and the lord. they will come later, so that's what makes it ok. it would hurt them too, as this is hurting me, but if they only knew we will all be together. it will be marvaleous, i can't wait! i will get to see so many good people that are up there with you. did i tell you i had a dream about you the other night? first i saw grandma --- and we sat down and had a cup of coffee. i don't remember what we talked about or even if we talked. just that we were together, she was ok, i was happy and everything was all good. next, i was with you and you were showing me a video (vcr or dvd, if that even)....anyhow, it was a video of all your friends and you were showing me one guy, but i didn't know him. it was like we weren't apart at all and everything was normal. we were just together. when i have dreams like that i wish so bad you would be sooo happy to see me and give me hugs and kisses, but for some reason, it's like we haven't been apart long, so there's no need for hugs and kisses. i wish i would even be happy and hug and kiss you. don't get me wrong, we're not unhappy, we are just matter of fact together and it feels good. it's all good. well, i'm sick and feel like crap, so i'm going to go to bed now. i gotta get up at 5, so that's gonna suck. i miss you so, so, so, so much. it's so sad. i wish you were here. i love you forever and ever honey. love always, your baby girl xoxoxoxo