Make This Life Make Sense

it's unbearable, i don't know how to go on. i don't want to go on. i miss you so much. this can't be real. i can't believe that i will never see you again on this earth. the way our family lives i won't see you forever. at least another 60 years. i don't want that, i want to see you now. i can hardly think about you without getting the worse feeling ever. it's indescribable. i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to smash something, i want to curl up and die, i want to give up. so many emotions all mixed in one. i don't know what i feel, but i hate the way it makes me feel. like i'm hopeless and the feeling will never go away, it hurts all the time i think about you. it only feels ok when i am doing something else (like work). i am burying myself in work and my coworkers. they make me feel ok, they make me smile. but even after a long day even they can't make the pain of not having you go away. this really sucks, it doesn't seem right. it doesn't seem fair. i'm tired of being so strong for everybody, my strength is fading and i feel like smashing the hell out of something and screaming at the top of my lungs for you to come back. i don't like life without you. i don't know the answer. i got my car back (finally) and all i want to do now is just drive. i don't know where, but far away. but i'm not dumb, i know driving away from my problems is not the answer. i know that's why i have the urge, i want to run away from you and the memories, but i could drive to the ends of the world and still never escape you. so that's not the answer. staying home from work seems like a good thing to do but why? what would i do except feel sorry for myself and get sad. what does that do? i miss out on money and i also miss out on having my coworkers help me forget about the pain. i don't know what the hell to do. i can hardly think about any of this. i swear to god it hurts so bad. it hurts so deep, unlike any pain i've ever felt before. i hate it. i hate it so much. i just wish it would go away. i wish this never happened. now i start thinking that i wish i never met you. that way i wouldn't be going through this hell. this is so bad. i swear this has to be some punishment for something. i don't know what though. why can't god just take me? why did he have to take you? none of it makes sense, not anymore. it's funny. sometimes you think you have life figured out and why things happen the way they do and it finally makes sense when it all works out for the good. like me meeting you and you meeting me and us falling in love. all our circumstances before that make sense, it's how we came together. but how do you make sense of this? when things go bad life doesn't make sense. i don't care anymore. i want god to take me so bad. i'm lonely without you, i would give anything to see you again. just to have a hug from you. even if i saw you for a few seconds and all you said was '-----, it's going to be alright' cuz right now it doesn't feel alright and it doesn't seem like it will ever be alright again. it just feels like a neverending nightmare and i don't see anything that could ever change it. as usual i am tired. i just got off a fire, ----- mt. fire. ---------- was the i.c. and he did a real good job. i was the c faller. after the fire, he said he's seen some fearless people, but none as fearless as me. he said i scared him a couple times. i cut down some winners. they were pretty shady. the whole time i figured if it all went south that would be good cuz i could be with you, a death wish of sorts i suppose. well, it all went ok and i'm still here and i wish i wasn't. i will go to bed now and tomorrow will be another long, sad, painful and sorrowful day without you. i love you 'til the ends of time and more than anything in this whole world. please don't forget me. i love you forever and always, your baby girl xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo