Aug 9, 2006

Gash Creek

I'm back from the Gash Creek fire honey. 2 weeks of that and I'm emotionally drained. It got so old listening to the air/ground radio traffic and hearing pilots & helicopters. As I've told you before, you all sound the same. Every time I thought of you. Same with the helicopters constantly overhead. Every time I thought of you. I'm not exaggerating either. I seriously thought of you every time. It was really hard to focus at the beginning. Helicopters everywhere and all I wanted was for it all to go away. I hated it. I wanted to just break down and cry. I wanted you back. I wanted you to be the pilot. I wanted you to be the helicopter. I wanted to come back to my tent every night and call you. I wanted to tell you how action packed my day was. I think you would've been so proud of me. I prayed a lot. I needed to, I don't know how I made it. I felt so weak and tired all the time. All I could think about was you the whole time. I remember the last time I set up my tent. I was in Arizona and I called you from that tent every night. That was what I thought as I put it up my first night there. Every night ----- (my div. trainer) called his wife. Every night I wished it was me. I wished so bad I could call you. I wished so bad I could tell you what I was doing. No one else understands. You would have. I like to think that you were there the whole time watching and I would like to think that you were helping me/guiding me. I would like to think that you were smiling down on me. ------- signed me off on Division...something you wanted me to do so bad. Something I never wanted to even do, but I did it. I took the assignment just for you. I seriously only took the assignment cuz you would've wanted me to. What sucks is I did it and there is no one to share it with. I can't come home and tell you. We both can't hug and smile and be happy about it. I wanted to share this moment so bad with you. Well, I can't and it's nothing to me that I got my Division, just a weight off my back. There is nothing left for me to get signed off on, so there will be no more pressure for me to go on fires.
I wanted to write you and let you know that I have emotionally drained myself. I miss you so much and life without you has been so lonely. It hurts me so, so deep that you are gone. I do feel so lost without you. I don't know how to make this go away. I want this feeling to leave, it hurts more than anything ever. No one understands either. Everyone thinks cuz I put on a happy face that I'm ok. Everyone thinks cuz it's been 5 months, I'm ok. But I'm not, I'm so sad and I'm so spent and I need a break. Work doesn't want me to leave cuz we are strapped for people, but I need to get away. You asked me a year ago to marry you and here I sit all alone with a ring on my finger, but without you it means nothing. It means I am eternally committed to someone I can't hug or kiss or share or cuddle or talk to. We also had our first date 2? 3? years ago from this time in August, the 11th. ( I say 12th, but you said the 11th, so I will believe you). It's all very powerful and emotionally overwhelming. I can't talk to anybody either cuz they wouldn't understand. I don't want people to think I'm trying to get out of work...or looking for sympathy. I just want people to try to understand, just believe that I am trying and it is hard. And sometimes I feel like I can't do it. Why me? I miss you so much honey...I just wish you'd walk through the door right now and give me a big hug and make all of this go away. It hurts so bad and I'm so sad.....I need you in my life. I love you always.

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