If I Die

well here i am honey, i finally get a day off and here i sit in my new hang out joint, ------ cafe in ------. last night i had so much to say and as i drove down here today i thought of so much. i always have so much to say and when it comes down to it, like right now, i'm speechless. i guess i could start with fires, i've been on a lot this year, more than i have been on in awhile. i certainly wouldn't be on this many if you were around and i'm sure work would be mad at me for spending time with you. but you're not here so i just bury myself in work. after my divs assignment to arizona i went on some on district fires, i don't even remember if i told you about those fires. one was ---- pk., i hiked in cuz i didn't wanna fly and there was probably a 9 foot cedar that they wanted me to fall but i didn't. i guess it was one of those days that i cared or something. otherwise i've been falling all sorts of shady trees this year with an i don't care attitude-if it's my time to go, it's my time to go, so either i will be killed or either i won't. anyway i didn't fall this tree, i ordered FLE. the guy came the next day, i cut a hole out in the tree. i had a 36 inch bar and it only went a 1/3 of the way in. i ended up cutting out a box in the tree and the guy put a bunch of explosives in there then he wrapped the last box of FLE around the tree. it blew that thing to smithereens. i had to fly out the next day cuz it was late in the day and i wouldn't have had time to hike back to the truck before dark. it sucked so bad. i wanted to just crash and die. i cried. i thought about how it used to be, you were the one in the pilot seat and we were flying somewhere and i loved you so much. i hated flying out of ---- pk so much, i never want to do it again. right now i really don't want to ever get in a helicopter again. i've been around 'em so much since then and i really just hate it. i'm so tired of being around helicopters, to me it's like torture. why do i keep subjecting myself to this? but i am and every single time i think of you..every time. there is not a time when i do not think of you. anyway after the ------ fire i went to the ---- fire. ---- was the i.c. i went as a c-faller again. this time to cut a couple hairy lookin' big ass cedars down. one was hollowed out and the other was a big ass hollowed out leaner into another tree. it was burning too. the first hollowed out one was easy cuz it was straight up and it had holding wood on both sides. the leaner had some complexity to it and i figured i could cut a couple small spring poles from underneath it..hoping they wouldn't spring back and pop me in the face. if they would've, it would've knocked me out or something worse. or the cedar woulda fell on me. so i reached in real careful and eventually ended up tripping one of the trees under the cedar. it went ok but it was kinda scary for me. but before i did it i prayed to god that if it's my time, i'm ready. just give me strength and confidence to fall it. whatever happens i'm ready to go. later on ---- said he was so scared for me and that i'm one of the bravest people i know. that's cool. i know i'm pretty brave, i just do stuff and have confidence. i might be scared but once i commit it all goes away and i just do it. i also think that you are with me too. especially falling trees cuz you logged so i know you are helping me out. well eventually i ended falling the cedar and it took forever. a few tanks of gas anyway and hrs. and hrs. after that i went to victor, mt. as a divs(t). i really did not want to go. i was so overwhelmed by you. it was the anniversary of our first date, it was our anniversary of you asking me to marry you and the anniversary of your death was coming up. i was so fed up with work and sooo tired i wanted to just leave and the day ----- asked me to go with him as a divs i was seriously considering not coming in to work. i was real indecisive about going and i said i'd call him back and all i could think of was i have to do this eventually and you were so proud of me cuz i was a divs. no matter how many times i told you i was just a trainee. :) so i just did it, i bit the bullet and i went. honey, i was so stretched so thin mentally cuz of all that, it made it really hard. i did not want to be there at all. then on top of that there were helicopters everywhere and i hated that. i absolutely hated it. i was getting so tired of hearing air to ground all the time on the radio and the helicopters everywhere. it really was torture on me. then on top of that it was a pretty stressful assignment cuz we were getting burned over everyday and i was really having to be on my toes and make decisions when all i wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. i just wanted you to hold me, i missed you so much. every night ----- called his wife and all i could do was think to myself, that's what i'm supposed to be doing. i have no one to call. then my tent was in a field that looked out across to this A frame house that looked like the one we were gonna build. nice reminders of you every day. every thing reminds me of you and that's the problem. well, the fire was so tiring and hard for me. not tactically, i could handle everything that way, but i really was so tired and i didn't want to be there. i didn't want to be exposed to the helicopters anymore. it was a lot for me. too much really, but i did it. i did it for you and you weren't even here for me to come home to and be excited. you weren't around to be excited for me. i went through all that and who really cares? it was supposed to be you. i had no one to share it with, that really sucked. it was supposed to be something we could be excited about together. so i finally came home, thank god and i wanted to take 5 days off to just get away from it all and clear my mind, but work was a bunch of chodes. screw them, that's when i found out "whatever you need ----" means nothing, it was just lip service from them. i needed 5 days off and i couldn't get it without a guilt trip and "you better not" fuck them, i was so upset about that. i shouldn't have to explain myself to them. why do they have to question that i need time off. really, why can't they just be like ok. i don't know that really bothered me, so i only got 2 days off and really i didn't cuz dumb ass ----- kept calling me all day on the first day i was home, then the second day we had a fire bust and i had to go to the office and report some fires cuz people came to my house. so much for time to get my mind right. right after that we went right into our fire bust and i've been going for a week n a half straight. i went to ----- fire, called it out. i went to another ------- fire and fell another big ass cedar, that fire i was really hoping it was a pickle and the lord would take me. it was pretty cut and dry. it was an ez tree. i went to another fire up ------ creek - yeah, that's the campground we stayed at during the 2004 fire bust. see it all comes back to you. this was outside a logging unit. pretty ez fire. i was with ------ (he's been a good friend to me during this time- more on that later) next i went to a fire up ---- creek. there was a larch there pretty much burned all the way through and i'm sure it would've fell just by someone pushing it, there was hardly any holding wood at all. i decided to let it burn out over night and sure enough the next day it had fallen. i actually didn't go on that fire the next day, but that's what i was told. i went on another fire - i'm getting confused now, but i think this is the one i've been on the last 5 days. the ----- fire. 1.5 acres and i was the ic. oh yeah before that fire i had to go out to ----- pk. to check on a wildfire use fire. i drove by where i first remember you ever, the ------ fire. i drove by where we parked and of course more memories came flooding back. i remember us talking on the radio. i can still remember standing on a log directing you to drop buckets on fire below me. i swear i remember it like yesterday. then i drove by the trailhead to the ----- fire. that's where i hiked in to ------'s fire and you were delivering supplies and you asked if they were making sure that I was working. then we made a bet (a beer), can't remember what about and we talked on the radio a bit. we were kind of flirting then. :) i can still see myself hiking and you were hard to see up through the trees, not only was i looking for you, but you were looking for me. you flew around 'til you found me and we saw each other. i would give anything to rewind to those days...to that day. so there were a lot of memories that day. oh yeah i saw ---- peak too and i thought back to all our memories flying around ----- peak that one day when we were burning out there. it was one of my best memories ever. god, i love you so much. all my best memories are with you. i miss you. anyway i drove to ----- pk., parked and hiked to ---- lake and almost made it to ----- lookout. probably about a 100 yds away before i had to turn back and start hiking out. couldn't exceed my 16 hr. day. i hiked 12 miles that day. good times and really pretty out there. i wished you were there, but then sometimes i think that you are there with me.???i wish, i don't know. just a side note, every time i laugh or see something beautiful or have fun or a good time, i always think of you and wish you were there....always. so next was the ------ fire. more helicopters and by now i'm so damn tired i can't even think straight. i'm so tired of memories....there are so many and too many helicopters. and everyone gets to go home to their wife or girlfriend and i am so lonely. i want to hurry and get off the fire and go home and then i remember you are gone and why get off the fire, i have nothing now. i just want some days off so i can just cry and cry and cry. i get so tired of being strong for everyone. i put on this happy face cuz i don't wanna be a 'debbie downer' around people and let me tell you that takes a lot of energy! it drains me and then add to that no sleep and physical labor and then sometimes just the stress of the job - decision making stuff. so i'm off now and i know i will cry and cry, but then i have to go to work tomorrow and it will be back to the same ol' same ol'. i don't know, do i go to work tomorrow and get ot and then take the other days off or do i just skip tomorrow? i don't know what i wanna do. i do know i want a day to sleep in and just chill. i really want to see --- tomorrow, but ---'s supposed to be to work tomorrow. i'm confused, i don't know what i want. it does piss me off that work cares more about their fire bust than if i'm ok. i should've known better. well i wanted to let you know that ----'s been a great friend through all this. he's one of the few who i've found isn't weirded out about talking about you. he can talk to me about it all, thank god for him. he's so helpful to me. if i didn't have him to talk to i probably would've snapped a long time ago. he said when he first saw us together he knew. he said when he saw us a month after we were going out he couldn't believe it. he said we acted like we had being seeing each other for years. it got me thinking, that's what i felt like too. i always felt like i had known you forever, it was amazing how comfortable and ez we got along together. i amazed myself at how close we were and how open i could be with you - how comfortable i was. i had never been like that with anyone my whole life. --- saw it too. he had to do like a double take, like whoa, those guys have only known each other a month and they seem like they've been together for years. he said he was at my house and we were watching new mexico vs. the cougs. i even remember we were on the couch and you either had your feet on my lap or mine or yours and we cuddled together and were all leaned up against each other. i do remember that now that --- mentioned it, otherwise i wouldn't of remembered that. ---- came over too. i remember that. --- reiterated how he used us as a gauge. he knew we represented true love and that's how a relationship is supposed to be. we were his example of what it was supposed to be like. he also said that --- changed the way he looked at his relationship after what happened to you. he got serious and proposed to his girlfriend. ---- did that too. he also told me that him and --- were talking about us after it all happened and --- said he saw --- cry. that for realz makes me wanna cry. i can't even imagine seeing ---- cry. if i remember more of what we talked about i will write it to you. we've just been so open about it, i don't know what i'll do when he leaves this thursday to go back to -----. he's been a great help to me. it's nice to be able to talk about you. someone who really knows what i'm going through and understands. i feel like i have to pretend like you never existed cuz that's what everyone else does around me. the subject is taboo and don't anybody dare bring it up. becuz they pretend like it didn't happen, i have to do the same. i can't bring up your name or anything we did cuz it makes people uncomfortable. i see it, i've brought you up in front of --- and --- and both of 'em act like i've done the unspeakable and they both become speechless. for realz, they are flat out speechless, they don't say a word. so i feel stupid for even bringing you up. is it any wonder i don't explain myself when i just want some time off cuz your weighing heavy on my mind. that's why i don't push it, i don't know what to say and really i shouldn't have to say anything...dammit i just need some time. you fuckers pushed me into work a week after it happened and i've just buried myself in work. at least be thankful and throw me a bone and let me have some time off. they take advantage of me so much. it really makes me mad as you can probably sense. i feel like i haven't even had time to take in all that has happened. i still feel numb. i still feel like you're going to come home anytime. i still feel like i'm on a fire and i will come home to you or you are out flying and you will come home to me. i feel like a helicopter will come to my fire and it will be you on the radio. i feel like the helicopter will land at --- and it will be you stepping out of the helicopter. i for realz still feel like you're out there somewhere and i will see you again soon. i don't feel like you were ever killed sometime. then sometime it hits me that 'wait a minute, he's gone.....forever' and that's when it really hurts. or i will replay, "we've lost ----" over and over in my head. like i'm trying to make it sink in, but it won't. no matter how many times i say it i can't make it sink in. i can go back to that day and see myself collapsing on the floor and crying and banging my fists on the floor, but it's like it's all a bad dream. like it didn't really happen, that time all seems like a fog that for realz was a dream. it couldn't be real. i guess i'm having a hard time accepting that i lost the most precious thing in my life. it isn't fair, we were so perfect. i'm supposed to be ----- ------- right now. i'm supposed to be coming home to you after a fire. i'm supposed to be calling you every night after my work day or calling you while you are away flying. we're supposed to be living together right now. we're supposed to be lying next to each other in bed every night. we're supposed to be hugging each other as we walk through the door at the end of the day. we're supposed to be kissing each other when we come home from 2 wks. of fire or flying. it really isn't supposed to be this way. i don't know how this all happened. it's all happened so fast. i think back to how fast we met each other, how fast we dated, how fast we connected, how fast we got so close, how fast we proposed, how fast we got the house plans going, how fast we were getting married, how fast we were going to be a happy family. i look back and it was like my life was on fast forward. for realz. both of our lives and look it fast forwarded so fast for you it took you right to death. just like --- said, we were together a month and it seemed like years. that's exactly how it felt for me too. i had known you for a month and it felt like years. i had known you for a year and it felt like years. i had known you for years and it felt like a lifetime. i honestly felt like i lived a lifetime with you. i am not lying, i felt like we shared an eternity together. on the other hand sometimes i feel like our relationship was a big dream, it all went so fast, it doesn't even seem real sometimes. it was all too good to be true. it's weird, i guess i mostly feel like it happened, but what the hell it happened so fast, did it really happen? i look at pictures of you and it seems like a lifetime ago. it's like my life is still on fast forward, it really does seem so long ago, but it was only 5 months ago. why is it so weird feeling? why do i look at pictures of you and feel like it was ages ago, yet when i talk to --- about you...our first date, our first kiss, all that stuff, why does it feel like you are still here and i'll be going home to you tonight? i don't know the answer, sometimes i think it's all too much for my mind to process. sometimes i feel like screaming and sometimes i feel like sleeping and sometimes i feel like crying and sometimes i feel numb and sometimes i don't know what the hell to feel. it's so confusing. sometimes i want to be around the guys i work with and sometimes i want to be alone and sometimes i want to be with you so bad it hurts more than anything that's ever hurt in my whole life. it's unbearable. sometimes i just want to be happy and laugh, then sometimes i want everyone to leave me alone and i just want to space off into space and sometimes i want to cry and sometimes i don't know what to feel, like i can't feel, i don't know what i feel? am i sad, am i depressed, am i indifferent, am i kinda happy actually. i don't know what the hell. life is screwed up, it's all weird for me now. sometimes i just drive or space off and none of this seems real...you dying, me working, just life. i feel like something bad will happen to my family and more people close to me will die and i feel like it won't matter cuz that's just life and i'm expecting it. then i think it's not them that's gonna die soon, it's me. i think that i will die soon and all this life means nothing. everything i've ever done is meaningless. who is it important to? no one. so if anyone ever reads this and you too -----, it's ok that i die. if i get killed please be so happy for me. i am with ----- and that's what i want more than anything in the world. people should celebrate for me. if they only knew how happy i was to finally be with ----- again, they would shed tears of happiness, not sadness. i want it more than anything in the world. i have lived a great life. i have achieved much. i have been an awesome athlete, playing college soccer, softball and excelling in basketball. i have been on a team ranked nationally and went to a national tournament. i have won a game at nationals, i scored the first basket of the national tournament. that first win was the happiest day of my life (since surpassed by many moments with ----- - #1 now is the day he proposed - would've been our wedding day, but you know), i have accomplished much in the fire world, i have gained the respect of many, many co-worker's and i'm well thought of in the fire world, i am smart and the sky is the limit for anything i want to do, not only in fire but in anything in the whole world. in fire i am a division, i am a c faller and i am a female. i can beat guys hiking up a hill, i can beat guys running, i am a better sawyer than most guys. i am an excellent leader/coach. i was a star in high school, track, bball. i am the "strongest girl I've ever met". i'm the best girl athlete anyones ever seen. people look to me, people respect me. i have coached all levels. i was a college basketball coach, wow, that's still cool to me. i tried out for the wnba and almost made the cut. i graduated cum laude or whatever that smart person thing is. i graduated from college. i have a teaching degree. i taught 5th grade. i officiated a college basketball game. i have traveled all over the united states, north america and the world. i am not afraid of anything, i am fearless, courageous, confident. i have accomplished a lot in my life. i have a great job, i've had many great jobs. i've met many great people. i am surrounded by winners...just great people. i have a great family who loves me and i love them. i am proud of them and they are proud of me. i have loved and in my mind the love that i have experienced is better than any love that anyone in this world has experienced. if i could explain what heaven feels like, it would've been the same feelings that k-dub and i shared, it was that beautiful. i wouldn't change a thing if i lived my life over again. i have no regrets. so please, if i die for realz do not mourn me, my life has been full and beautiful and i am off to heaven: the whole goal of our life. i am so excited to get there, i can't wait. if people only knew how bad i wanted to be there. if people only knew how bad i wanted to be with ------. by dying i get both. heaven and -----. so please, i almost cry right now because i think of how happy i will be, so you all need to cry for me too, happy tears. i made it! and i will be waiting for you i promise.