Met a smokejumper who was on the ---- Fire with us when we first met. He talked about his wife who just had a kid. Ya know what I wished I could be telling him? "remember that pilot we had? yeah, we got married, isn't that cool?" I wanted to brag about you, that we were married. Instead he talked about his wife and kid and I spaced off and thought about 'that should be us' How am I supposed to focus. He said that was one of his best fires/memories ever. Yeah, me too.
I also thought of you today cuz the Cougs played Baylor in Seattle today (they won). So that's means a year ago today you and me were in Seattle watching the Cougs play Grambling. I have 2 pictures of you and me at that game. I love you so much. I miss all we shared, I miss what we don't have now....is that possible, to miss something you don't have but know you should?
I don't know much else to write. Just kinda numb and tired. Missing you a lot, but I feel hopeless and helpless. There's nothing ever I can do for the rest of my life to see or be with you. Just heaven. Sometimes I think we have an aura or energy. Maybe you can't physically see me, but you feel me. You feel my aura in Heaven. So when I am happy you can feel me. When I hurt you can feel me and know that I am hurting. So I think when I'm driving home and I feel nothing, just numb. You have a hard time feeling me. Your energy is out there or your soul cuz I know you have no physical being, so your energy/soul does not feel much from me. When I start to hurt or cry you can feel that. When I laugh or have fun with people you can feel that I am ok, even if it's just for a second or minute. Maybe that doesn't make since but I know you feel me....well, maybe you can see me, but for sure feel me. You know how you get chills or shivers out of the blue? Sometimes I'll be driving and I'll get a chill that runs through me. I don't know why I'm so sure, but I'm sure it's you. You are there with me at that time.
Well, I guess I'll go to bed. Church early tomorrow and I'm really tired from all these fires and 16 hr. days. I was also wondering what this summer would've been like if you were still here. Either I wouldn't have seen you much or we'd be together and work would be so mad at me for missing out. I know one thing, I'd be poor as hell. But then again we would've been married and our money would've been together. Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed now. I love you always so much and I will forever....no matter how long forever is. I love you so much honey - you're the best ever. love always, your baby girl xoxoxox
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