6 Months

well, it's 6 months. what can i say. i'm sad. i'm lonely. i wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish you were still here. i wanted to share my life with you. it wasn't supposed to be this way. the world spins around me now and i feel stuck in time. like you just left for work and i'm here alone waiting for you. i had a dream about you last night. you were alive and i kept trying to call you but i couldn't get your number right. i was forgetting it. what's funny is i wasn't thinking today and by habit i dialed it (never pushed send) and realized what i was doing. so in the dream i finally got you and you were with ---- and --- and i missed all of you so much. and i missed all of us together like the old days. i was crying, pretty much begging you, that i would give up everything - my house, my job, just everything so i could come be with you. i was crying so much and i wanted it so bad. more than anything. after that i woke up. the thing is, i would give it all up to be able to be with you again. you'd think 6 months would be a little easier, but looking back i really prefer the first month or two. at least than i was numb and people maybe understood or at least tried. now they think it's all good, they assume i should be normal or ok and if anything it's worse now than it was then. this last month was really, really hard. i was on the go a lot with fires. 16+ hr days, day in and day out made me tired. then add you to the equation. a lot of memories surfaced. too many helicopters, i'm so damn tired of working with helicopters. no pilot has been as good as you or as fun to work with. every time the ship would fly into ----, i'd wish so bad it would be like old times and it would be you. i'd always look to see who the pilot was. maybe, just maybe this would all be a bad dream and you would walk into the office. i had a fire on ---- hill and it had the same landscape as the ------- fire. remember the one i let ---- --- i.c. and you worked with us. i hiked up through that crappy alder brush every morning just to talk to you on my cell phone. just to listen to see if i had a message from you. i still have the "you're starting to grow on me" message. i've got it saved to mp3. i'll never forget that time in my life. i'd lay there at night and look at the stars thinking about you. i was so in love i couldn't even sleep, all i could think about was you. it's just like now, i was almost sick being away from you. even that early in our 'relationship', even that early it sucked so bad to be on the ground away from you and you were in the air. i couldn't even see your face, only hear your voice on the radio and my cell phone. i really couldn't wait to get off that fire so i could see you and spend time with you. that's probably when i knew i loved you. now when i lay on the ground on fires and look at the stars i want to cry my eyes out cuz i'm here all alone and i don't have you to look forward too. i miss you just the same or more and i want to hurry and get off the fire so i can see you, but then i remember you're not here and what's the hurry. why get off the fire so quickly, it's not the past and you won't be waiting for me. instead i have nothing to come home to. it's sad, but i really do try to focus on ..... well, i don't know what, but i don't dwell on the hurt, the pain, what i'm missing. i'd really be suffering if i let myself fall into that downward spiral. i got to go back to church today, it really feels good. i don't like that i missed two weeks in a row. once again i thought father joe was speaking right at me. there were even times it sounded like his voice cracked. i really like him. he was speaking on suffering and why god puts us through suffering. that he would never put us in a hole deeper than him/her. he spoke on this thought: if we didn't suffer, we couldn't be teachers to others who suffer. we wouldn't be able to relate to those who suffer. he also said probably the main reason for us to suffer is that is when we are closest to god. he is with us at those times. well, he's with us all the time, but we turn to him in those times. ya know how life is all good and maybe you don't pray enough or there just aren't reasons to turn to god/to lean on god. during times of suffering we are calling out for god and his/her help. so father says a reason for us to suffer is that it brings us closer to god. i would've preferred that you and me together became closer to god....and we were on that path, that's why it's hard for me to understand sometimes. i don't know. will we ever know. do know that i think about you all day. you are constantly in my thoughts. my idle mind thinks of you constantly. you can guarantee if i'm home alone chillin, driving down the highway alone or at work alone, i am thinking of you, that is a guarantee. when i'm with people i am thinking of you too, but i try hard to focus on them, so i don't seem like a space case....sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. :) it's weird, i think of you in different sort of ways. like in church i see a guy who had a shirt like you. i see a guy who had hair like you. as i'm driving if i see a car or truck like yours i look in it. i'm always looking in a crowd for you. it's like i think i'm going to see you. i don't know what i'm looking for, it's always you. i guess i still have hope that poof, there you'll be. it's just a habit. i'm always looking out for you....in cars that drive by, people that i pass, phone calls or messages.....in my mind it could be you at any time. i know it's kinda weird, but that's just how it is. there was an article in the sunday paper today "if one more day", it's based on a book by mitch albom (coming out shortly). what would you do if someone who had died close to you came back and you had one more day. who would it be and what would you do? it used to be my grandpa ------ that i never met, but now it would be you for sure. and if i could get just one more day, i would first hug you so hard and long my arms would probably fall asleep and fall off. :) i would mainly just want to spend a normal day with you. doing anything. just making memories, being together, laughing, smiling and having fun. just how it used to be. i would want ---- to be there too cuz i know how much you love her and how much she loves and misses you. of course, i love and miss ---- too, so i'd want to see her as well. so i wouldn't have anything special planned, just a beautiful day with a beautiful man. you will always be special in my heart honey. i will never forget you. as you know, i miss you tremendously and i really do look forward to the day i pass so i can join you in heaven. I love you with all my heart and soul....see you soon (i hope so bad). so much love, forever and ever, your baby girl oxoxoxox